The Tough Stuff

Disclaimer: this post is pretty emotionally raw....


Today didn't start out as I had planned. I was greeted by Nate telling me he had a dream that Brad came back. Then he asked me if that could happen. *sigh* "No, sweetie." I guess it was just wishful thinking on his part? He then referenced someone who had spoken at their chapel. Apparently, they had been saved from death. Nate wanted to know why others were saved, but his dad was not. *sigh again* How do you answer that? I answered with my usual reply, "It's part of God's plan that we don't understand." Nothing I could say would make it better. I look at my child and see he really is looking less like a boy, and more like a man. Brad, to be precise. He looks like him, he acts like him....which are good things! It just makes my heart hurt that he doesn't have his dad. His loss is so different from mine, and I can't even begin to imagine what is going on in that teenage head and heart.

Some days I can swallow a conversation like that and keep going. Some days I can't even choke it down. Today was one of those days. The tears started falling, so I just crawled back in bed and let them. I was overwhelmed by the gravity of my conversation with Nate, thinking about my "to do" list, the finances, the light bulbs I can't reach, but mostly that I am having to do all these things alone.

I've learned a lot about grief. I've learned if you swallow it over and over, it will eventually come back up. Sometimes it triggers tears out of nowhere - like something as trivial as standing in my closet trying to find something to wear, and accidentally knocking his keys (that I had planned to put in my memory box) off the dresser. Or seeing a big group of ducks flying overhead. There's more….the side of the bed that is never slept in; hearing "I'll Be Home For Christmas," knowing he won't be coming home and how empty and hollow everything seems without him; seeing the first snow of the season; not having him making sure Christmas music is playing; having to go buy something for Nate in the Dillard's men's section, remembering all the times we spent shopping together...I literally felt physically ill. Then to get home and try to keep from crying in front of the kids. I know it is ok to cry in front of them, I just don't like doing it. I can tell it pains them to see me cry. They need me to be ok. So I am, in front of them most of the time. Behind closed doors, I cry because my heart is still broken, and no one knows what to say or do.

Yet, in the midst of my brokenness, God sends me little reminders that He is with me. I was in the bathroom, mindlessly running a brush through my hair. I had forced myself to get up and get ready to go to work, then pick up the kids. I started reading today's passage from Jesus Calling. About three or four lines into it I was stunned to read "I know the number of hairs on your head..." Well, as you can imagine, the tears started flowing again. This time not because I was sad, but because I knew that was God's way of wrapping His arms around me, reminding me He knows....and He cares.

I am trying really hard to move forward. It's almost like one step forward, two steps back. Days like today were more like three or four steps back. Tomorrow will be a better day. I know this was probably a hard post to read for some. Please know that I feel your prayers, and that is what I need the most.

Oh, and Nate did say something that made me smile. He said I should call the school and complain....(uh oh, I thought)....that they should have chapel every day. Not what I was expecting at all, but what a great thing to hear! It is such a blessing that Nate and Allie are able to attend a Christian school. They are surrounded by friends and teachers that love the Lord, and love them.