Father's Day

     To all the fathers who have influenced my life, I have been blessed beyond measure, and I am so grateful. 

     To my mom's dad, Nick, who I never got to know….His legacy lives on through my mom, and I know he was a wonderful man. I love hearing stories about him playing football for the U of A and OBU, how he helped others with his generosity, his accomplishments earning him a place in the Arkansas Sports Hall of Fame, but mostly to hear my mom say he would've loved me, and I would've loved him. 

 
 To my dad's dad, Grandad. I'm pretty sure I was his favorite. ;-) I have vivid memories of making mud pies in his back yard, sitting on his couch eating the cinnamon toast he made for me while we watched HeeHaw, to him being at church any time the doors were open. I'm certain he influenced my dad in many ways, and guided him to being the father he is. 

     To my dad, you have truly been an example of humility, strength, trust and unconditional love. My fondest memories as a child are those that I spent time with you. From sitting at your desk in your office, Razorback games, weekends in Memphis, to the beach, I wouldn't trade anything for those times. You have been my encourager, my example of true faith in difficult times, but most of all, you have loved mom and because of that, I grew up knowing what kind of marriage I wanted, and how I deserved to be treated. You helped Brad learn how to play golf, and I believe he learned a lot about being a good husband and father during the times spent with you. You've made every effort to be at Nate and Allie's games, programs, etc…I know they will always remember that. The one thing that sums you up to me, is when the doctor told me that they had done everything they could to save Brad, I felt your arms around me tight, and I remember you saying "I've got you." You are everything a father should be and more. I love you so much and am so proud to be your daughter. I will always be your little girl.

   
To the father of my children. How my heart aches for them to not have their dad. He loved Nate and Allie with every fiber of his being.  He taught Nate how to throw a baseball when he was 2 years old, then spent the rest of his life cultivating and coaching him into the incredible baseball player he is today. He taught Nate the love of hunting, country music and sports. He called Allie "baby girl," and treated her like a princess, but he also taught her to throw a ball. He always included her when was practicing with Nate. He taught her how to burp on command (ha ha!). He taught them how to love life, how to love others, how to treat others, and how to do the right thing, even when it was hard. He was a firm but fair disciplinarian, but never let them feel belittled. He was adamant that he say prayers with both of them each night. He never wanted them to see him stressed or worried. He wanted them to feel safe, loved and never afraid to hug him. I feel certain the last memories they have of him are of laughter, unconditional love, time spent together, but mostly his love for God and his desire to put Him first.

     Lastly, to my Heavenly Father. I know without a doubt that my grandfathers and my husband are with Him right now. What a privilege to know that. Because of my father's and grandfather's influences, I grew up in church, was taught what a loving and faithful God we have. I've learned that being a Christian is not easy, but when you believe with all your heart that God is in control of your life, you can survive difficult times. I had a wonderful and easy childhood. Adulthood has not been as easy, but God has been there to guide me, comfort me and bless me. Brad and I used to say that while things weren't perfect in our lives, or marriage, that we wouldn't change a thing. We had our share of ups and downs, before and during our marriage, but God always straightened our paths. When Brad and I struggled with infertility, when we thought we would never become parents, we turned to God. We would've never made it through that journey if it weren't for Him. Now, I am a mother to 2 incredible beings. Each of them have pieces of Brad that I see or hear daily. I see a love for the Lord in both of them. I am so grateful for that. While I would change the fact that Brad is not here, I know that if he could, he wouldn't. I look forward to the day that I will be with my grandfathers and Brad again, but mostly I look forward to being with the creator of those Godly men, the creator of the universe, the earth and all things in it…..but until then, I will treasure the time with my earthly father and continue to praise the One who gave him to me (and a mom that is just as special!).

THREE YEARS….Can we really grasp the concept of eternity?

As I sat down to begin writing, I glanced at the clock:  April 23, 2013. 11:58 p.m. The magnitude of thoughts swirling in my head cannot be described. I have been anticipating, dreading, thinking about - dwelling on - the date to come. I look again. April 23, 2013, 11:59 p.m….

Now it's here. April 24, 2013. 12:00 a.m. Three years ago, April 24, 2010, my world was turned completely upside down. My life as I knew it came to a screeching halt. My dreams shattered. My best friend gone. The father of my children taken far too soon.

The old cliche' "Time heals all wounds" is just not true in my case. My wounds will never completely heal from this. However, that said, God is mending my wounds. He is still slowly stitching up the rips and tears, gluing back the shattered pieces, filling the empty spaces with His love. What I want to convey in my message is that I know God has a plan for me, but I have resolved to grieve for as much and as long as I need to. I have been moving forward at a snail's pace. Occasionally, I'll quickly jump over a few obstacles or slide down a hill backwards uncontrollably. For the most part, though, it is a slow journey forward. I have wrestled with being frustrated that others around me want me to "be ok" or want to help me "move forward," when I want to sit in my grief. I am a people pleaser, so my initial reaction or even feelings are for and of others. I don't want my friends to feel uncomfortable or helpless.  But let's be real here. Three years ago, April 24, 2010, I watched helplessly as the person God chose for me to spend my life with slipped through my fingers and into God's hands. I was there as he struggled to breathe. I watched him turn blue. I watched him stop breathing. I watched the paramedics shock him twice in our living room as I sat in the corner sobbing and praying that God would not take him from me.

I don't pretend to even begin to understand why he had to go so soon. I do know this, though. God's grace has and will see me through this. I've shared this before, but I  had a peace in the hospital after the doctors had done everything that they could to save him. I still have that peace. I know there is a reason. It doesn't make it easy. I miss him every day. Some days are harder than others. The first year I was numb. The second year was harder. The third year was a little easier, but became hard again. It will be this way the rest of my life. Life is not how I pictured it. However, I can boldly say that even though my life has changed, my God has not. He has been with me every step….whether I've been on my knees praying or lying in my bed, sobbing. He knows my pain, and He knows my heart. I've not been the picture-perfect Christian. I've failed at so many things, and Satan has endlessly attacked me. I almost cringe when someone tells me how strong I am or what an inspiration I am to them. I am just like anyone of you who loves the Lord. When He chooses a different path than you would've liked, you have two choices: follow Him, or go your own way. When you truly love the Lord, you follow Him!  I've learned it's still not an easy path, but letting Him lead is much easier than trying to find my way alone. I am weak, and He is strong.

I can always tell when I've not written in awhile. My thoughts are a jumbled mess and I struggle with writing in a way that will be meaningful and purposeful. I've had in my head the last few days, that I would sit down and write about the fact that Brad has been gone 3 years. When I talk with others about that, it is nearly incomprehensible. Three years? I've been a single parent for 3 years? I've gone to bed alone for 3 years? I've not seen the love of my life in 3 years? Yet, almost simultaneously, I think it's only been 3 years? It seems like an eternity….a lifetime. Which finally leads to the title of my post. Eternity. First of all, if you do not know Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, I pray you will come to know Him as I have. I honestly do not know how anyone who does not have faith can lose someone close to you and make it through one day. As humans, we cannot fathom eternity. To a child, even a day can seem like an eternity. Three years has seemed like an eternity to me, but one of the many things God has taught me through this storm is that this life is not about us. This life is finite. This life is not our home. My eternal perspective was changed the day Brad died. Before Brad died, I truly did not think much about death or Heaven or eternity. Don't get me wrong - I thought about it! I just look at life so differently now.

My heart hurts for my children who are growing up without their earthly father. I am trying to teach them that their Heavenly Father has and always will be with them. It's tough enough to grasp as an adult. I look at my children and marvel at what incredible beings they are. I see God working in their lives. They are growing up so fast. Last night while eating dinner, Allie quizzed Nate and I about Samson. Her teacher had posed the question at school,  "How did God's plan change when Samson told about his weakness, disobeying him?" Nate and I thought about it, and I (stupidly) said "he used Samson in a different way." (thinking about how we watched the story of him in the tv series "The Bible," and how we talked about the consequences of disobeying God.) How humbling it was when my 11-year old daughter said with a smile, "God's plan didn't change." Chuckle. Yes, Allie, you are right! His plans NEVER change! He knew us before He even formed us. He has our lives planned out before we are even born. God has set eternity in our hearts by calling Brad to Him earlier than we would've liked. I would never have chosen this road, but God has consistently been showing me glimpses of His plan.

In the words of a life-long, very dear friend: I am not ok, but I will be. I am going to take all the time I need to let go of Brad. God will let me know if I'm not moving fast enough. He is teaching me things that I need to learn. I know God wants to use my story in a mighty way. Not in anyone else's time, not in my time, but in His time.

My life has changed, but my God has not. I am His for eternity.

Blessings,
Jennifer

ps, as I close at 1:15 a.m., April 24, 2013, it really irritates me that the date on my post is apparently PST, not CST! I want it to read the right date and time! And with that, I smile…. Brad is still such a part of me! He was such a perfectionist! I love you, Brad!

A New Year

Ecclesiastes 3:1 (The Voice)
For everything that happens in life - there is a season, a right time for everything under heaven.

     Every day, I receive the verse of the day in my email from The Voice translation. Today, the first day of 2013, is my favorite verse - my life verse - my reassurance for all things good and bad. When I look at that date - 2013 - all sorts of things run through my mind. My first thought is how far away 2010 seems. My second thought is in 8 months, I will have a teenager in high school, and a pre-teen in middle school. My third thought is our family verse we have clung to since Brad died: "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."  Yes, indeed. I've done things I would have never been able to do in my own strength…namely experience the death of my husband of 19 years, and raising 2 children on my own. Those are things that happen to other people, and you think "I don't know how he/she does it." Well, I know how I've done it: through the grace and love and strength of Jesus Christ. This is not the path I would've chosen, but I have chosen to follow the path God gave me. I don't want to give the illusion that this has been easy. It has been the most difficult, sad, challenging, heart-wrenching, darkest time of my life. However, all that said, I am still here on earth, and God is working in and through me. As I told Allie the other day, we are a small part of a bigger picture. God sees it and knows what is best, even when we don't see it or understand it - or even when we don't like it. It's not our call. It's not our plan. The only (and best) choice we have is to follow Him as closely as we can. We are human, and we fail on a continual basis. Yet, I know inside my heart that God understands and He is loving, and kind, and forgiving. Just as I, as a parent, have to teach and correct my children, God does the same with me. As soon as I ask for forgiveness, His loving arms wrap around me and I know I've been forgiven. Even when I do things over and over that I know do not please Him! What an amazing thing.

     When I began writing this blog in 2011, I was just coming out of the fog of being thrust into an unfamiliar, unexpected, unwanted tragedy. Today, on the first day of a new year, I see healing. I see where God has patched together pieces of my heart that were torn to shreds. My heart will never be the same, but it can and will be different…and that's ok. I have repeatedly said "My life has changed. My God has not." Someone mentioned to me the other day that they did not like change. Does anyone really like it? I think the answer is probably no, especially when it involves the loss of a spouse, a child, a grandparent, or even the loss of a life as we "expected or thought it was supposed to be." The one certain in life is death. It is sorrowful that some of us have to experience sooner than we would like, but not one of us is better than the other that we would be spared something so tragic. I have never said "Why me?" I've said "Why NOT me?" I will admit, though, I have said "Why MY children?" True to His nature, God gently reminds me "Why NOT your children? They were mine to begin with." I know He has something incredible planned for my children. While it pains me so much to see them hurt, I have to know that God is in control and He has a plan far greater than anything I could ever come up with.

     It is here that I find myself referencing my favorite verse again:

Ecclesiastes 3:1 (The Voice)
For everything that happens in life - there is a season, a right time for everything under heaven.

     This verse has seen me through many difficult times….many different seasons. Brad and I had a broken engagement. (I will add one word here: forgiveness.) We struggled with infertility for years, which affected our marriage. We moved 8 times in less than 15 years. Brad endured several jobs until he found the perfect one, only to have it turn into the worst one of all. The recession hit us like it did everyone else. However, through it all, I was reminded that there is a time for everything! God is not a God of chaos. He knew us before He even knitted us together in our mother's wombs. We only need to read David's words to have this reassurance:

Psalm 139

New Living Translation (NLT)

¹ O Lord, you have examined my heart
    and know everything about me.
² You know when I sit down or stand up.
    You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
³ You see me when I travel
    and when I rest at home.
    You know everything I do.
⁴ You know what I am going to say
    even before I say it, Lord.
⁵ You go before me and follow me.
    You place your hand of blessing on my head.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too great for me to understand!

⁷ I can never escape from your Spirit!
    I can never get away from your presence!
⁸ If I go up to heaven, you are there;
    if I go down to the grave,^[a] you are there.
⁹ If I ride the wings of the morning,
    if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
    and your strength will support me.
¹¹ I could ask the darkness to hide me
    and the light around me to become night—
¹²     but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
    Darkness and light are the same to you.

¹³ You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
¹⁵ You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
¹⁶ You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed.

¹⁷ How precious are your thoughts about me,^[b] O God.
    They cannot be numbered!
¹⁸ I can’t even count them;
    they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
    you are still with me!

     Verse 16 was emphasized by me. He has our days planned before we were are even born! He knew Brad would be taken when and where he was. Again, it doesn't make the situation easier, but it does give me a peace that passes all understanding. A peace that God gave me on the night I had to say goodbye to Brad. I distinctly remember telling my pastor that I had a peace about it. A peace I still have today. 

     Looking at the calendar, I see a lot of things. I see nearly 3 years of living life without someone I loved so, so much.  I also see a year full of possibilities. I see a year of things to look forward to. I see a year I know God has already planned for me and my children. My prayer for those of you reading my blog is this: that you may know that God is in control of your life, and that He has a plan greater than we can ever imagine. This life is fleeting, and there is a life ahead that is eternal…and far better than the one we are in now. I pray that you will understand and cling to Ecclesiastes 3:1, that there is a time for everything! Mostly, I pray that you will open your heart to receive God's peace for your life. That whatever your circumstances may be, God is there…He knows and understands…and regardless of what those circumstances are, He wants you to live your life for Him, knowing:  

For everything that happens in life - there is a season, a right time for everything under heaven.

Happy New Year!

Blessings to you all,

Jen