It's been awhile since I've made myself sit down and write. I think about it often, but the discipline has become lost in translation since school is in full swing and I've started a new job. I am a speech-language pathologist by training, and I have slowly eased back into that role. I now have 4 children that I see every week, 2 of which are about an hour's drive away. I don't mind the drive…so far. I just started this week, so ask me again later and I'll tell you the truth! I look at it as a forced quiet time, a time to listen to Christian music, a time to re-live my youth by listening to the '80's station, or a time to make phone calls. I LOVE working with kids and I am so blessed that I have a job I can jump back into, and one that is so gratifying.
Since Brad died, I have realized that I have gone years being undiagnosed with ADD. Not the hyper form, but the inattentive, easily distractible, highly disorganized form. I am terrible at time management, I procrastinate, I'm highly unmotivated and am struggling to keep the house in order. Really, this is nothing new….and I'm sure most of you can identify. However, the reason I'm convinced this is a true form of ADD is that Brad was a perfectionist…almost borderline OCD. He was my ADD medicine! For 22 years, he kept me on top of things. I was still late, still was disorganized, distractible….but nothing like now. I tried some medicine, but it just made me depressed. Trust me, I know what depression is! After the years of infertility treatment, I have struggled with my fair share of depression. Around Christmas-time last year, I fell into a deep depression. It was probably the most difficult time since Brad died. Fortunately, I recognized it, and got help. I'm proud to say I no longer need anti-depressants. What I deal with now is a true grief. A grief for the loss of Brad….my husband, my soul mate, my partner, my best friend. The loss of my children's father - dad - and a great one, at that. The loss of our family as a unit. The loss of our memories together, the loss of our plans for our future, the loss of the "way it's supposed to be!" I really could go on, but it's late and I'm tired, and I'm realizing I'm digressing.
Back to the title of my post. I used to call myself a young widow. I mean, yeah, I am young. Relatively speaking…..Compared to the "typical" widow you think about - 80 years old, married years and years…. I didn't get 50 years of marriage with my husband. We didn't live a long life together. Yet, I'm also nearing my 46th birthday, and that sounds not-so-young. In the past 2 1/2 years, I've met ladies much younger than me who have lost their husbands. We're in the "club" no one wants to be in. As tragic as my situation is, I have always met others who I think have it much worse. Husband unexpectedly dies and she has a toddler and an infant…or an infant….or more than 2 children….or no family around….there is always something to be thankful for. Yet, as "young" as 45 sounds, the thought of dating again just sounds awful. I've tried it. It was ok, but it was either the wrong person and/or the wrong time. I'm just having to be content being a mom, and a single woman. I know God should be considered my husband, but truthfully, that is really difficult!! He does meet all my needs - above and beyond - but there are some things that God ….wait. Stop. I was going to say, "there are some things God cannot do…." Pshhh. That's ridiculous, Jennifer! There is nothing He cannot do!! I guess what I'm trying to say is, there are things I miss about Brad like his touch and his voice…his physical body…that God created…and took away. I digress again.
My daily life….I try to stay busy. Not necessarily on purpose. I drive the kids to and from school, plus to wherever they want/need to go. I drive for my job. I have gained a love/hate relationship with working in the yard. I was addicted to Pinterest for a few weeks, but I became overwhelmed with all the projects I was going to do, I had to quit looking! I like to read Facebook & Twitter, I love the music and dancing reality shows, I LOVE retail therapy (especially GoodWill!), and I have dozens of projects that need to be done around the house. I have finally resigned to hiring someone to help with the yard, and today I have told myself I absolutely must hire a handyman to do a few things that I just have not done and probably won't ever do. I have fought it and fought it, but I just have realized that in the long run, I'll be a much less-stressed person when these nagging things are done.
Allie just had her 11th birthday. Her 3rd without Brad. Nate's 14th birthday is coming in a few weeks. There is an underlying twinge of sadness on these milestones. My heart literally aches that my children don't have their dad here to make a big fuss over them on their special days. I am trying. I continually feel inadequate as a single mom, but I know this was part of God's plan, and I try really hard to let it go and let God handle it. I'm human, though, and I fail on a daily basis. I consider a good day a day that I've not yelled at the kids or a day that I've cooked supper, and they liked it. I've laughed because both kids have called me out to other parents…one of Allie's best friend's mom had a "moment" (haven't we all!), and she apologized to Allie for her having to hear her get on to her friend. Allie quickly assured her it was ok, because she had heard me yell at Nate numerous times. Nate called me out to Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar….gee, thanks, Nate. We spent a few days with them last Christmas, and something happened with one of their children. The whole scene would've elicited rants and raves and yells from me. Not the Duggar's. Soft spoken the entire time. Not that I compare myself to them….BUT….to be called out like that to THEM!? Ugh! Speaking of, I got to visit with Jim Bob at the Razorback game last Saturday. They had just returned from China. While we were visiting, a woman came up to him and started telling the most amazing story. A child had been born around the time of Josie - Christopher was his name. I think I remember my friend who was Josie's NICU nurse talking about him. Anyway, long story short, he has had an heart transplant AND a kidney transplant and is doing remarkably well. Jim Bob commented about what a miracle it was. It was such a neat story and I'm so glad I happened to hear it.
My bed is calling, my rambling thoughts are running out. I just felt obligated to sit down and write SOMETHING. I still feel God calling me to do something. I just don't know what yet. My heart is heavy for someone I don't even know, but she lost her husband unexpectedly last week. What a strong, Christian woman she is, as she is a very "public" widow. I've reached out to her, and I hope she will allow me the privilege to walk this journey with her. Remember Julee in your prayers. She has a baby girl that will grow up without her daddy….and that is hard on mom on so many levels. I have too many new friends that are walking a similar path as me. I know there is a reason, I trust God…and that is what spurs me on. I pray for these women, and they are on my heart constantly. Life is hard, we all have our "things"….but as I like to say, "My life has changed. My God has not." Blessings to you all.
Jen
