“A right time for birth and another for death...”
I suppose this would be a fitting place to start. Death is inevitable. We only hope and pray that it comes later in life, after we’ve had the chance to live a long, full life. After we’ve seen our children grow up. After we’ve worked hard to provide them with a good foundation and given them wings to fly. However, that is not always the case. It seems surreal to think that for hundreds of days in my life, I got up, got dressed, kissed Brad good morning, got the kids off to school....and never gave it a second thought. I went through hundreds of days in my life never giving any thought to the possibility that I would lose one of the most precious gifts in my life. I suppose that is the way God wants us to live...in full trust, with no worry. Yet, when that gift is gone, life looks completely different. The trust is still there. I begrudgingly admit the worry has surfaced. I’m typically not much of a worrier. I guess deep down, though, we all have that deep-seated fear of something bad happening. When it actually happens, the tendency to worry increases. I’ve especially seen this in Allie. Countless nights I have sat with her on her bed, holding her as she sobs in my embrace. Listening to her fear that something will happen to me or Nate. Even the slightest headache I mindlessly complain about sends her into a tailspin. This is where I feel completely helpless. I fumble with words, scriptures and prayers. How can I even begin to imagine what is going through her 10-year old mind? I have vague recollections of my life as an 8 to 10-year old. There is nothing memorable. Not to say I didn’t have a great childhood. I had a wonderful childhood, and the thing that sticks out the most were my times spent with my family. I enjoyed the luxury of having a wonderful mother and father with me all the time as I grew up. A luxury I now see I completely took for granted.
I look at Allie and I try imagine what she is experiencing. No 8-year old girl should have to watch her dad struggle to breathe, watch her mother in a complete panic try to dial 911, watch her friend’s father perform CPR on her dad. No 8-year old girl should have to attend the funeral of her father. NO child should have to grow up without their dad. MY child should not have to grow up without her daddy!
It is here that I revisit those verses. “...A right time for birth and another for death...” and “...whatever God does, that's the way it's going to be, always. No addition, no subtraction. God's done it and that's it. That's so we'll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear...” According to God’s word, there is a time to die. Obviously, our idea of the ‘right’ time and God’s idea of the ‘right’ time do not coincide. Looking further into that verse, though, is where I get a good dose of a reality-check. What God does, well, that’s just the way it’s going to be! It’s HIS time, it’s HIS decision, it’s HIS will! What are we to do? Quit asking questions and just worship in holy fear. Is that an easy thing to do? Of course not! It’s not easy to do when things are going great, much less so when your heart has been shattered into smithereens. Yet, as difficult as it is, this is what He tells us to do. I have no choice to do it. I stumble through the excruciatingly painful times, leaning heavily into my Savior’s arms and finally collapse into complete trust and give Him thanks for all He has done, for giving me the strength that only He can give. To worship in holy fear does not mean we are to be scared and worried. We are to acknowledge God for what He has done, what He is going to do, and to give Him all the praise and honor no matter our circumstances.
Allie and I say our prayers together most nights. I relish this as an opportunity to show her what it means to worship in holy fear. I thank God for her, then I ask Him to give her sweet dreams and a good nights’ sleep. I then say while we are not thankful that Dad is gone, we are thankful for the time we had him....that we know God has a plan that goes beyond what we can understand, and that He will reveal to us what He wants us to do. We are blessed to have had such a wonderful husband and father. We know there are children who have never even known a father, there are children who have a mean father, and there are children who have a father, but don’t feel loved by him. Deep down, as a "child of God," I think she gets it. But as "just a child"....I don’t think she wants to, and I can’t blame her.
