Roller Coaster

I never have been very fond of roller coasters....

My very first roller coaster was The Judge Roy Scream at Six Flags Over Texas when I was in Jr. High. One of my friends asked me to ride it with her, so I agreed. I kinda liked it. I mean, I didn't hate it, but I didn't love it. Fast forward a few years and I agree to ride the Roaring Tornado at Magic Springs. I knew better than to get on that stupid thing, but against my better judgment, I caved to the peer pressure. I didn't know if I could make it down the stairs afterwards. My legs were shaking so badly, I couldn't even step down without holding onto the railing. My friends were making fun of me. I swore then I would never ride another one. That is, until my niece and nephews convinced me that The Arkansas Twister was "not that bad," and I would like it. Uh, wrong! Hated every minute of it! Screamed like a girl!

Would you believe I actually rode TWO more coasters even after that one? The worst part is, I knew better. Brad talked me into The Texas Giant. He loved, loved, loved riding roller coasters! I got off mumbling and grumbling, swearing to never get on another one...Tornado, Twister, Giant....get a clue, Jen!

As for the last ride, one would think that by the age of 43, I would've wised up. Not so. In August 2010, I took the kids to San Diego. It was our first "family" trip without Brad. We were at Sea World, and they wanted to ride "Atlantis." (if you've been on this ride, you know what's coming...) So, trying to be a good mom, and do something out of my comfort zone, doing what Brad would've done, I agree to getting in line. Keep in mind, this whole time I'm thinking this is a LOG RIDE. I started getting uneasy the closer we got to the front of the line. "Do I HAVE to ride?" I asked the kids. "Yes! We won't ride without you!" (do you see where this is going?) The kids climb in, and I am by myself behind them, fighting the ever-growing fear building up inside me. I begin to suspect there is valid reasoning for this fear when they pull the bar down and make sure I'm locked in. Uh-oh. I'm so gonna kill my kids. Right off the bat, we climb the steep hill and plunge what seemed like 100's of feet down. I'm not a happy camper. Little did I know, it was going to get worse. We go up and down a little more, then we slow down as we approach a wall. I'm thinking, "We're going to run into it!" as a door opens. We slowly ride inside and the doors close behind us. Dark. I'm borderline psycho at this point. All of a sudden music stars blaring, some man is carrying on about the lost world or something-or-other, and our car/boat/death trap starts rocking from side to side and rising UP - still in the dark. You've got to be kidding me! Finally, we stop, and I notice a small sign that says something like "hold on or you're gonna die." Ok, no, it didn't really say those exact words...but something really close. Before I can even process what I read, doors open, and I see....BLUE SKY. Next thing I know, we slowly creep out into the middle of the air. I was terrified. All of a sudden, we are dropping at an extremely high rate of speed, flying around and up and down and this way and that way. Will it ever end? "Ahhhhhh! Get me off this thing!" Finally, we slow down, ease back to the starting point and the only words that will come out of my mouth are "I hate y'all." Nate and Allie are highly offended, but I didnt care. If it was possible to hate my own children, it happened at that moment. Of course, they loved it and wanted to ride it again! Uh, no, no, NO WILL YOU NOT EVER GET ME ON ANOTHER ROLLER COASTER AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE!" Ok, a little melodramatic, but I had been traumatized! There was a girl behind me who was not too happy to be on the ride, either. I remember hearing her say "That was just wrong." You said it, sister! I was so glad to have my feet back on the ground. I was livid. I was so mad, it took me a good 30 minutes to regain my senses and my love for my children. I repeated over and over "absolutely no more roller coasters."

Well, that really was not my last roller coaster. The moment I became a widow, my whole life has been a roller coaster, a lot like that last one. It has had the most extreme ups and downs, twists and turns, dark places and terrifying moments. I want off this roller coaster! Yet, looking back, there have been some blue skies and some moments that have actually felt like my ride was slowing down and I was going to be able to get off. Of course I can't actually get off, but I am beginning to see this ride does not go on forever. God has had his safety bar tightly against me, and His tracks always lead back to a smooth, level ride. Sometimes, I will approach a door and think it's not going to open, but it does. I know I will have some more ups and downs, twists and turns. But the ups are getting more frequent, and the twists and turns are more surprising than terrifying. In The Voice translation, Romans 8:28 states "We are confident that God is able to orchestrate everything to work toward something good and beautiful when we love Him and accept His invitation to live according to His plan." I love this translation because it adds a key component that we often overlook: we have to accept His invitation to live according to His plan. I've accepted my invitation. I'm on the roller coaster , but it is God's ride. He is in control, and promises that everything will work out. He may keep me in the dark, then surprise me with a blue sky. He will lessen the steep drops, He will slow it down, He will keep me safe...as long as I stay on His track. It's not the ride I would've chosen, but just like all the other rides, someone asked me to get on, and I accepted.

My life may be a roller coaster, but it's God's roller coaster. I've accepted it and I'm learning to go along for the ride.