Breakfast in Bed, Basketball, and Blessings

I have been thinking about writing for several days, but I am just now finding the will to do it. I feel like my life is one step forward, two steps back. Just when I think I might be ready to take two steps forward, I am blindsided by something. It doesn't take much. Sunday it was triggered by Allie. She had the idea and planned out bringing me breakfast in bed. How sweet! She has such a precious heart. Yet, in the back of my mind, I was remembering all the Mother's Days that Brad and the kids brought me breakfast in bed. Or the times Brad and I had breakfast in bed on trips together. Then tonight. Nate had a basketball game. It was just Allie and I in the car. I could not stop thinking about how I should not be driving - Brad should be driving, while we discussed the days events or planned the weekend. Then, we would go to Nate's game where Brad would watch intently and instruct Nate after the game on things to do to improve his game. It didn't happen that way. It was me, by myself, my heart aching that Nate doesn't have his dad in the stands. I find it so hard to believe I have lived my life without him for over 21 months. I'm sure there are some people that think "It's almost been 2 years…it's time to move forward." I really don't know what people are thinking….but, sometimes I say that to myself. "Why is it so hard to move forward?" "Shouldn't I be feeling better?"
I read an article today that gave me a better understanding of why I still feel so sad. The article called it grieving "secondary losses." Such losses are "secondary" to the "main" loss of losing your spouse. They include grieving the loss of your best friend, the loss of your family identity, the loss of your children's father, the loss of plans for the future you had together, the loss of shared memories….I could go on and on. Brad's death has affected so many different areas of my life. The article stated it was important to grieve each loss. Well, that could take a really long time! So, I get up each day, trusting in the strength only God can give me, and continue my life the best I can. Someone gave me a book entitled "I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can." I think that is about right. When I step back and look at my circumstances…the circumstances of watching your husband die in front of you, dealing with your daughter who witnessed more than any child should ever have to see, being a single mother, feeling so inadequate to meet the needs of a teenage boy, becoming the head of the family….and so many more. Well, it's just going to take time.
So what about the last part of my title? Blessings. I would not be honoring God or honoring Brad's life if I did not recognize the blessings in my life. I end my prayer every night thanking God for them. I don't consider Brad's death a blessing to me, but his life was. There are so many other blessings He has given me. A marriage that lasted 19 years, a marriage that grew closer and closer with each passing year. The blessing of two precious children. The blessing of a wonderful family. The blessing of some very special friends. The blessing of a nice home. The blessing of my children's school. The blessing of knowing without a shadow of a doubt that God is in control of my life. So many more...
Yes, it's going to take time to heal. God is working on me. He knows my heart. He knows my pain. I am following Him, and I trust Him wholeheartedly. I know there are more blessings to come.

2 Corinthians 9:8

The Message (MSG)

 ^8-11God can pour on the blessings in astonishing ways so that you're ready for anything and everything, more than just ready to do what needs to be done. As one psalmist puts it,

   He throws caution to the winds,
      giving to the needy in reckless abandon.
   His right-living, right-giving ways
      never run out, never wear out.
This most generous God who gives seed to the farmer that becomes bread for your meals is more than extravagant with you. He gives you something you can then give away, which grows into full-formed lives, robust in God, wealthy in every way, so that you can be generous in every way, producing with us great praise to God.

My Hope

My hope is that I am allowing God to use my life in the way He has planned. I am a "pack rat" of just about everything. Including email. Sometimes, I get motivated to clean out my email inbox….I won't tell you how many emails are there, but let's just say a whole bunch. I know several people who read and delete. Not me. While it most definitely is a type of clutter, sometimes it proves to be a type of comfort. I have run across a handful of emails sent to me from Brad, but also emails I have sent myself over the past 20 months. Today, I found this one.

Psalm 71:5 O Lord, you alone are my hope.
  I've trusted you, O Lord , from childhood.6 Yes, you have been with me from birth;
  from my mother's womb you have cared for me.
  No wonder I am always praising you!7 My life is an example to many,
  because you have been my strength and protection.8 That is why I can never stop praising you;
  I declare your glory all day long.

19 Your righteousness, O God, reaches to the highest heavens.
  You have done such wonderful things.
  Who can compare with you, O God?20 You have allowed me to suffer much hardship,
  but you will restore me to life again
  and lift me up from the depths of the earth.21 You will restore me to even greater honor
  and comfort me once again.

I feel very fortunate to have been raised in a Christian home. Like the verse says, I have trusted Him since childhood. I recognize the fact that my life truly is an example to many. I was listening to a sermon today by Dr. Adrian Rogers. It was titled "When Nothing Seems to Make Sense." He talked about how being a Christian doesn't mean life will be easy. As the verse says "You have allowed me to suffer much hardship…" But the verse doesn't stop there. It continues with "but you will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth." Because of that first sentence "Lord, you alone are my hope," I can believe that he will restore me to life again. I pray that my children will grasp this concept. Life is so hard. For some, it's harder than others. How do you live when you feel you are in the depths of the earth? Trust His word. Cling to it. 

Sunday night was a very difficult night for Allie. For some reason, she has had a history of Sunday nights triggering flashbacks and fears. God allowed me to do a lot of grieving last week. It was very, very hard - but necessary - and healing. As soon as Allie came to me with that quiver in her lip and tears in her eyes, the focus quickly went from "poor me" to "I have to get back to the responsibility God has given me of raising my children." We had a long talk, and as always, we read scripture and prayed. We have looked through so many children's devotional books, searching for comforting words. (I've felt from the beginning that this might be something God has planned for me to do, but not just yet.) In our search, we found a really good little lesson. It was about how children sometimes have a "comfort item" like a stuffed animal or a blanket to help them go to sleep or to feel safe at night. Allie found a lamb, "Chrissy," and a baby blanket, "Rosie," in the weeks following Brad's death. They don't always do the trick, and that is where this lesson came in. The story suggested that God's word could be our "comfort item" at night…that learning a special verse or passage could help us feel safe and comfort when we are scared or lonely. It's funny how something that was written for a child becomes such an eye-opener for an adult. There really is such a comfort in His word. I challenge you to find those words that speak to you. I am thankful that even though we don't necessarily hear an audible voice from God, we can read His word written so long ago and know that those words were meant for us, even now….and in those words are comfort and healing.