Two Years = Two Seconds

I stare in disbelief at the date on the computer….April 24, 2012.

April 24, 2010.

Two years ago our lives were turned upside down.

It's been two years since I saw his face, touched his hand, heard his voice...

Really?

How is it possible that I have lived two years without my husband, my best friend, the father of my children? How have I lived two years with the title of "Young Widow" and "Single Mom?" How can I still remember 95% of what happened on that night two years ago?

My answer is simple: God. He is the ONLY thing that has kept me from completely falling to pieces. When God challenges you to follow Him…when He lets you choose how you react to His plan when it differs from yours…well, I can only say I shudder at the thought had I not chosen to trust Him and acknowledge that I was following His plan, not mine. I've said this on several occasions: my life has changed, but my God has not. On April 24, 2010, I watched Brad struggle to breathe. I watched his heart stop beating. I watched the paramedics shock him twice in my living room. On April 24, 2010, God called his servant home, knowing that I would allow Him to use me however He saw fit. It has been the most painful, heart-wrenching, difficult two years. Yet, when I look beyond the pain and heartache - I see glimpses of a heavenly purpose. I'm hearing more songs that remind us that this world is not our forever home, that we are on our way home. It is a long journey, and it's not always in first-class on a jet. Sometimes it's a bicycle, sometimes it's walking…barefoot. On sharp rocks. Sometimes it's a limo, sometimes it's crawling. But I know I will get there one day. I'm glad that Brad is no longer experiencing the pain and stress of this world. I still miss him so much, but I know where he is. He is home, with our Lord and Savior….and I'm on my way. I don't know how long the journey is, but I will stay on the path.

Two years. Twenty-four months. It is still surreal.

Allie reminded me today that it "may have been 2 years to us, but it was only 2 seconds to dad." I'm completely humbled how God uses a child to put things into perspective. We all miss him. We all talk about him. We watched one of his favorite movies together earlier. We listen to some of his favorite music. I try to tell them stories about their dad. We miss him but we are so grateful for the time we had him. We were blessed to have him as the leader of our family. I was blessed to call him my husband. Nate and Allie were blessed to call him dad. It's hard to live life without him. Not a day goes by that something reminds me or the kids about him. There will always be a hole in our hearts that he once filled. God will mend our hearts in time, but even though our hearts are being mended…they will never be the same.

Two years. We love and miss you so much, Brad. Our lives are not the same without you. You will forever remain in our hearts...

Things I know vs. how I feel

There are so many things I know to be truth: I love God, my family and my friends.  I am loved by God, my family and my friends. I still love Brad. I was loved by Brad. God knows the plans He has for me. I know all things work together for good for those who love God. There is a time for everything. I can do all things through Christ…..
Unfortunately time does not allow me to continue with all the things I know, but suffice it to say, there are so many truths that I know and cling to.
Compare those things to how I feel….I'm sad. My heart hurts. I miss our family the way it used to be.
I miss him….

A Promise I Made To God…finding some purpose

This will be a very short note, but I had to quickly acknowledge the faithfulness of God. The night Brad died, I made a promise to God that I would use Brad's death for His glory. I knew in those first few days that He wanted me to write. I wasn't sure what, but I started writing for myself…but with the idea that one day I would share it with others. I thought maybe a book, or a children's book - I wasn't sure. Then I began the blog.
I noticed a comment from a young widow about my blog. She has not been the first one to say it helped her, but for whatever reason, this morning I heard God say "Thank you for following through with your promise to Me."
I've had a few people question if writing about my pain and my thoughts in such a public way was the best idea. I know those concerns were for me, but I knew in my heart I was supposed to be sharing exactly how I was feeling. To know that I have helped someone I have never even met….well, it can't be anything but God honoring my promise and showing me a glimpse of His purpose.