Disclaimer: this is going to be a very raw, emotional post. While it is painful to write, and I'm sure read, I feel certain it has to be done as part of my healing journey. So proceed with caution….but know that this is not a plea for anyone to 'fix' anything. I just need to express my feelings.
The visit to the Duggar's was such a wonderful distraction. Unfortunately, the distraction didn't last long - and reality came quickly crashing down. This has been the hardest 2 weeks since the first weeks following Brad's death. I suppose last year I was still in "numb" mode, or at least that is what I'm attributing my lack of memory of things being this difficult. Driving to Springdale was a trigger, as I was flooded with memories of stopping along the way when Nate was little for him to "tinkle" on the side of the road, crying because I saw a man walking along the interstate as we were on our way to spend Christmas day with our families in Malvern, driving through the tunnel and how much fun Brad made it….just to name a few. Once we arrived at the Duggar's, though, my memories quickly vanished and I was living in the moment.
After a fun time with the Duggar's, we had to come back to reality. Upon pulling into our driveway last Friday afternoon, a feeling of dread came over me. I was sure it was because I was overwhelmed with Brad's family coming, needing to finish wrapping, wondering if I had bought the kids enough, worrying that I had forgotten something….all things that really didn't matter. If I had truly been "in the Christmas spirit," I would not have had all these thoughts racing through my head. (Immediately as I type this, God reminds me now that He understands. He knows how hard this is for me. He loves me and cares about me, so it is ok. He knows that I am so grateful He sent His son to earth, but He also knows that my heart is still broken and He has a lot of mending to do.) Back to Friday, my thoughts are somewhat subdued once everyone arrives, but it is just the beginning of my heart aching because Brad is not there. Oh, there are good memories sprinkled in, such as Brad and his aversion to gift cards. My mother-in-law, Sue, decided that she wanted gift cards to J.C. Penney's this year. That's it, no other suggestions. Of course, my first thought was Brad and how he was adamant every year that we not give gift cards. "We might as well just give each other money," he would say. I teased Sue about that when she first gave her request, but then promptly went out and got her a gift card. (My heart aches for Sue, how she has had to endure not only the loss of her son, but also her husband. I could get sidetracked easily and share about that, but I'll save that for another post. I do, though, tell others when they ask how she is doing that "she is not a glass is half-full person….she is a glass is full person." She is always so positive and encouraging and I see such a strength in her that I find hard to recognize in myself.) We had a great time. I love Brad's family, and I'm so glad we were able to spend that time together. Brad's sister, Kristal, loves to spoil Nate and Allie. She gave them a basketball game for the playroom that required a lot of assembly. She, Deanna and Josh, Brad's niece and her husband, stayed late to make sure it was put together. The kids were so excited, and have played with it every day. The whole assembly "thing," though, triggered an issue I have struggled with so much. Brad could do just about anything, as I've written about before. I'm not completely helpless, I can do some things. But some things require help, and I have such a difficult time asking for it. I guess it's because deep down, I am thinking I shouldn't have to ask for help. Brad should be here to do it.
Saturday morning (Christmas Eve) arrives, and we drive to Malvern to spend the day with my family. I was looking forward to seeing everyone. We always have fun together, telling funny stories, playing games, and lots of eating. Yet, as the day wore on, despite how much fun it was, there was a hollowness creeping up with each passing hour. Time with family is a wonderful thing, but it is also a glaring reminder that part of our family is not here. When it came time to take our annual family photo, I fought back tears as Brad was not there to sit beside me. When I look at the pictures now, I recognize an emptiness expressed in my face, a hint of sadness. I don't think anyone had any idea that I was feeling that way. You see, I'm a people pleaser. I want everyone to be happy. I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or sad or worried. So I kept it all inside. But I could feel it building.
Normally, the kids and I would've driven back to Little Rock and gone to Christmas Eve services at our church. This year, at the request of my sister, we stayed and went to my mom and dad's church. I've only been a couple of times since Brad died. The first time I suppose I was numb. The second time, I experienced the "fight or flight" response that you hear people talking about. My entire family was sitting on one row, with Nate and I in the middle. Out of at least 8 people, none of us even looked at the bulletin to see that "Revelation Song" was one of the songs we would be singing. My first thought was to run to the exit door when the music started and I realized what song it was, but I fought and stayed. Nate and I quietly cried through the whole thing. It was painful, but I know it was necessary for both of us. There are so many memories that flood my thoughts being in that church, but two in particular kept replaying. First, was the look Brad gave me as he walked down the aisle to tell Bro. Chesser that he wanted to be baptized. He had a huge smile as he made eye contact with me, a silent hug between us recognizing the significance of his actions. He had grown up in church, but had never followed the Lord in believer's baptism. I'm not sure exactly of the date, but I know it was not too long before we were married. Of course, that is the other memory that floods my every thought. We were married in that church. Now, over 20 years ago. We made a vow before we were even married that divorce was not an option. We had some difficult years, but we honored that vow and never even considered breaking it. In our traditional wedding vows, we stated "to love, honor and cherish, as long as we both shall live." Brad loved, honored and cherished me as long as he lived. To be in the place where he made those vows was heartwrenching. I am ashamed to say it was difficult for me to worship. The pain was so searing, so fresh, so all-consuming. Again, kept it inside…it was continuing to build.
We visited a little while longer, then the kids and I drove back to Little Rock. I still had a lot of wrapping to do. While I did have that on my mind, the more prevalent thought was missing Brad and our tradition of staying up together, drinking a glass of wine and wrapping stocking stuffers. We were always so tired, but it was a special time just the two of us shared. Mom and dad came up to spend the night, so mom helped me wrap up a few more presents, then I wrapped the stocking stuffers by myself. Brad used to always say "good job, momma" in reference to the gifts I had bought. How I was longing to hear those words. It dawned on me that it was Saturday, the 24th. Exactly 20 months. I crawled in bed, exhausted, and went right to sleep.
Nate woke me up Christmas morning, and we opened our gifts. My sister had taken Nate shopping for me. Allie had the opportunity to go to a friend's, and she said she trusted TeTa and Nate to buy for her. I think all in all, the kids liked their presents, but I was disappointed that I couldn't have everything assembled for them. Nate wanted a bench press….Brad would've had it put together. They both wanted a trampoline….Brad would've had it put together. Just simple things that reminded me he is gone. Brad always loved to buy gifts for me, especially. Usually, he would surprise me with something awesome, something unexpected. He has given me things like diamond jewelry, something he had remembered I had mentioned, but one of my most favorite gifts was just within the last few years. It was a silver cross on a stand with an anchor in the middle of the cross. What a most fitting gift from him. Christ has definitely been my anchor through this storm. I've been tossed to and fro on my ship in this storm, but my anchor has held firm. I want to emphasize this as I write about my pain. While most of you can only imagine the pain of losing a spouse, I'm sure you know it is without a doubt one of the most painful things someone could ever endure. (not to diminish any other loss….I have seen friends lose children, and I can't even begin to fathom a loss of that magnitude.) Any loss of a loved one is terrible, but your own loss is the worst one. With that said, I want to re-iterate that my hope is in Jesus Christ, and He is the reason I am able to sit and write about my experience.
Christmas day, a friend offered to take a family picture of the kids and me to send out New Year's cards. We took several shots, and I didn't think a thing about it. That afternoon, my sister and her family arrive for more family fun. Again, we enjoyed playing games, with Allie in particular giving us all a good belly laugh. She was drawing "get an ear full." We weren't following her at all, and when she explained what her picture was, we were all amazed at her thought process. My nephew, Mick said "Allie, I would love to be in your mind." Allie replied with a very serious, "It's a really fun place to be." I'm sure it is! Yet, still in the midst of all the fun, my heart was so heavy. Again, it was building. The next day, my dad; Rich, my brother-in-law; and Jake, my niece's husband put together the bench and the trampoline. The girls went to do a little post-holiday shopping. As we were pulling out of the driveway, my niece asked half-jokingly if we could play the "quiet game." My mom made a comment about my dad enjoying some quiet, and I couldn't stop the tears. Mom was quick to tell me it wasn't personal, and I wasn't taking it that way. It was just a week's worth of emotions spilling over the edge. I was just so appreciative of everyone's help, but also very sad that I even needed help. Most of all, I was missing Brad. When we got back, the men had done all the assembling, and everyone was preparing to leave. My friend had posted the pictures she had taken, and had even done a few cards that I might like to send. We looked at them and subconsciously I was feeling the intense pain that it was just the three of us.
Everyone left that evening, and I sat down to look at the pictures and attempted to create a card I was happy with sending. Nothing was right. I couldn't find the right card, but mostly I didn't like how I looked in the pictures, and I couldn't stand looking at the pictures that Brad were not in. I finally went to bed. I cried myself to sleep. I stayed in bed most of the next day, with several episodes of uncontrollable crying. I had held it in as long as I could. My body was telling me it had been strong long enough. I had swallowed it and suppressed it for so long, I literally just shut down physically. It has gotten a little easier each day, but I still cry very easily and my mind is on auto-play of every Christmas past and Brad and how he is no longer here. Nothing has been able to completely shut off any memories. Watching tv, I see Seinfeld, Friends, King of Queens - all episodes that have something that remind me of Brad. Looking on Facebook, I look at pictures of a party Nate went to at a friend's house. That friend's dad was Brad's best friend. Of course my thoughts were "Brad would've been right there with them." He has constantly been in my every thought the last couple of weeks. I miss him. I miss his laughter, his sense of humor, his generosity…so much of who I am was completed by him. My heart aches for my children. Nothing will ever be the same for us. Except God. Everything about our lives has changed, except Him. That is the one and only thing that keeps me going. Music especially reminds me of Brad. He was always showing me videos or having me listen to a song. He loved songs that had a deeper meaning or message. One of the many that remind me of him is Kenny Chesney's "Who You'd Be Today." It was written more about a younger person than a husband/father, but most of the words ring so true….
"Sunny days seem to hurt the most. I wear the pain like a heavy coat. I feel you everywhere I go. I see your smile, I see your face, hear you laughing in the rain. I still can't believe you're gone. It ain't fair, you died too young, like a story that had just begun, but death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you, all the hell that I've been through, just knowing no one could take your place. Sometimes, I wonder, who you'd be today….
…...
Sunny days seem to hurt the most, I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
the only thing that gives me hope, is I know I'll see you again someday. Someday."
Here's the video: Who You'd Be Today
If you watch all the way to the end, you'll hear my life verse: "Things happen for a reason, you've gotta have faith." I know this to be true in my heart. I know things happen for a reason, and I do have faith. I believe there is a greater purpose in my life, and in my children's lives. But I still miss him, and the pain is still as fresh as it was nearly 2 years ago. The first full year of life without Brad is coming to a close. A new year will begin whether I want it to or not, so I will face it with God leading the way. It is my hope that in the midst of my pain, you are able to see that it is God holding me tight and getting me through each day, one day at a time.
I pray God's blessings be abundant for everyone in 2012, and that we all remember to thank Him in all circumstances.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Delightful Duggar Distraction, part 2
I have several friends sitting on the edge of their seats waiting for this post! I want to note that I specifically asked Michelle if she minded me writing about our experience on my blog. She graciously said yes.
The kids and I loaded up the car Wednesday morning, December 21, and made our way to Nate's annual check up (all good), then both kids' orthodontist appointments (Nate is expecting braces in March!). From there, we hit the interstate and were on our way to Springdale! We lived in Springdale for 3 years prior to moving to Little Rock, so I was familiar with their family before they had their tv show. I just knew of them, but God crossed our paths several years later...
We arrived around 4:00, pulled up to the gate, and I texted Michelle "We are here!" No reply. I tried calling, got her voice mail. So, I made Nate get out and push the call button on the gate. It rang, no answer. Hmmm…. what to do? So, we sat there for a minute until the UPS driver pulled in behind us. "Do you know the code?" he asked. No, we did not. "Do you know them? I know the code." I explained it was our first visit and that no one was answering my calls. So, he pushed in the buttons and we were on our way down the drive! We pulled in, parked and there were 2 ladies getting something out of the car. I thought I recognized one as "Grandma Duggar," but wasn't sure who the other one was. I introduced myself and once the momentary look of confusion passed, they invited us in. (It was Grandma Duggar and Jim Bob's sister, Deanna.) We walked in, and were greeted by Jessa. She was so sweet and quickly told us to make ourselves at home, that her mom had taken Josie for a doctor appointment. The kids and I were taking it all in when Josiah offered to take us on a tour of the house. He showed us every room in the house, explaining various rooms and pointing out all the musical instruments, washers/dryers, microwaves….but most impressive was the prayer room. It was a small room with a rocking chair. Michelle said that was the one space she would not trade for anything. Oh, and the pantry! It looked like a small store. Ok, maybe not quite. But it was very large. It had a garage door for easy access after trips to the store! There was a family-style kitchen that opened to the living area, then there was a commercial-type kitchen for major cooking. There was a water/ice area with pens to write our names on them. I must tell you, to not have ever met the majority of this family, we immediately felt at home and comfortable with everyone.
I have read some of the negative comments people post on various websites, and I quit reading them because they were so judgmental. After meeting this very special family, I can tell you they deserve none of the criticism they receive. Jim Bob and Michelle have some of the most kind, loving, talented, beautiful children I have ever met. It didn't matter that they had just met us! The little ones were following Allie like shadows, and the older boys had Nate outside throwing a football in no time. And then there is Josie. Wow. What a little miracle she is! If you watched their show, you saw how tee-tiny this sweet baby was. I was continually amazed at her. (the speech therapist in me was particularly amazed!) You would never know this sweet little (but tough) girl was born weighing less than 2 pounds. God is using this family in a mighty way.
(It is late, and I'm not very organized in my thoughts, but I wanted to get something written before I forgot! So, excuse me if I jump around….not much editing going on now!)
We got to help Jinger celebrate her 18th birthday with an ice cream buffet. The whole family watched her open her gifts, and sang Happy Birthday to her.
We were treated to several impromptu songs on the piano….but my favorite was the harps. It was the most heavenly music.
To show how unselfish and kind this family is, the kids and I were given Jim Bob and Michelle's room to sleep in while we were there. Michelle and Josie slept in the girls' room, and Jim Bob slept in the boys' room. They wouldn't have it any other way. Allie ended up getting a little cold, so she didn't get to sleep in the girls' room like she had wanted.
Michelle showed me the program from baby Jubilee's service. They honored her sweet little life in a great way. Michelle was holding up very well, but I know deep down her heart was broken. There is so much love in that family….I can see why they always feel there is room for one more.
On Thursday night, we loaded up the van and a couple of suburbans and drove to Gravette to go Christmas caroling with a good friend of Michelle's, who was also widowed at a young age. There were several families represented - I didn't count, but I know it was probably 30 or 40 people. What a blessing to go to homes and sing to those who needed a visit. As we prepared to leave, huge snowflakes began to fall! It was beautiful and we all praised God for such a nice surprise!
One of the funniest things happened on the way home. One of the little ones made her way up from the back of the van to tell Michelle she was feeling carsick. Michelle quietly said she was sorry, we were almost home and to go get buckled. So, she turned around and made her way back. All of a sudden, the kids were yelling, "Johanna's finger is stuck in the back door!" Jim Bob's reply was "How in the world did it get stuck in the back door?" It was quickly resolved, but Michelle said silly things like that happened about every 30 minutes in their house. I made a couple of observations: one, each child received attention from their parents. Jim Bob was walking through the house, and one of the little ones was playing the guitar. Most people would've just walked right by, but he made a point to stop and tell her what a great job she was doing. The other thing I noticed was Michelle never seemed harried or frantic or stressed. She kissed boo-boos, fed children, got cough drops for me, signed books for a friend who dropped by….and still found time to visit with me. I left feeling like I had been visiting with friend I had known my whole life.
I wish I could write more details, but I'm ready for bed. I'll try to write more things as I think of them, but know this - they are a very special family, we had a wonderful time, and I am blessed to call them friends!
(love you, Michelle!)
The kids and I loaded up the car Wednesday morning, December 21, and made our way to Nate's annual check up (all good), then both kids' orthodontist appointments (Nate is expecting braces in March!). From there, we hit the interstate and were on our way to Springdale! We lived in Springdale for 3 years prior to moving to Little Rock, so I was familiar with their family before they had their tv show. I just knew of them, but God crossed our paths several years later...
We arrived around 4:00, pulled up to the gate, and I texted Michelle "We are here!" No reply. I tried calling, got her voice mail. So, I made Nate get out and push the call button on the gate. It rang, no answer. Hmmm…. what to do? So, we sat there for a minute until the UPS driver pulled in behind us. "Do you know the code?" he asked. No, we did not. "Do you know them? I know the code." I explained it was our first visit and that no one was answering my calls. So, he pushed in the buttons and we were on our way down the drive! We pulled in, parked and there were 2 ladies getting something out of the car. I thought I recognized one as "Grandma Duggar," but wasn't sure who the other one was. I introduced myself and once the momentary look of confusion passed, they invited us in. (It was Grandma Duggar and Jim Bob's sister, Deanna.) We walked in, and were greeted by Jessa. She was so sweet and quickly told us to make ourselves at home, that her mom had taken Josie for a doctor appointment. The kids and I were taking it all in when Josiah offered to take us on a tour of the house. He showed us every room in the house, explaining various rooms and pointing out all the musical instruments, washers/dryers, microwaves….but most impressive was the prayer room. It was a small room with a rocking chair. Michelle said that was the one space she would not trade for anything. Oh, and the pantry! It looked like a small store. Ok, maybe not quite. But it was very large. It had a garage door for easy access after trips to the store! There was a family-style kitchen that opened to the living area, then there was a commercial-type kitchen for major cooking. There was a water/ice area with pens to write our names on them. I must tell you, to not have ever met the majority of this family, we immediately felt at home and comfortable with everyone.
I have read some of the negative comments people post on various websites, and I quit reading them because they were so judgmental. After meeting this very special family, I can tell you they deserve none of the criticism they receive. Jim Bob and Michelle have some of the most kind, loving, talented, beautiful children I have ever met. It didn't matter that they had just met us! The little ones were following Allie like shadows, and the older boys had Nate outside throwing a football in no time. And then there is Josie. Wow. What a little miracle she is! If you watched their show, you saw how tee-tiny this sweet baby was. I was continually amazed at her. (the speech therapist in me was particularly amazed!) You would never know this sweet little (but tough) girl was born weighing less than 2 pounds. God is using this family in a mighty way.
(It is late, and I'm not very organized in my thoughts, but I wanted to get something written before I forgot! So, excuse me if I jump around….not much editing going on now!)
We got to help Jinger celebrate her 18th birthday with an ice cream buffet. The whole family watched her open her gifts, and sang Happy Birthday to her.
We were treated to several impromptu songs on the piano….but my favorite was the harps. It was the most heavenly music.
To show how unselfish and kind this family is, the kids and I were given Jim Bob and Michelle's room to sleep in while we were there. Michelle and Josie slept in the girls' room, and Jim Bob slept in the boys' room. They wouldn't have it any other way. Allie ended up getting a little cold, so she didn't get to sleep in the girls' room like she had wanted.
Michelle showed me the program from baby Jubilee's service. They honored her sweet little life in a great way. Michelle was holding up very well, but I know deep down her heart was broken. There is so much love in that family….I can see why they always feel there is room for one more.
On Thursday night, we loaded up the van and a couple of suburbans and drove to Gravette to go Christmas caroling with a good friend of Michelle's, who was also widowed at a young age. There were several families represented - I didn't count, but I know it was probably 30 or 40 people. What a blessing to go to homes and sing to those who needed a visit. As we prepared to leave, huge snowflakes began to fall! It was beautiful and we all praised God for such a nice surprise!
One of the funniest things happened on the way home. One of the little ones made her way up from the back of the van to tell Michelle she was feeling carsick. Michelle quietly said she was sorry, we were almost home and to go get buckled. So, she turned around and made her way back. All of a sudden, the kids were yelling, "Johanna's finger is stuck in the back door!" Jim Bob's reply was "How in the world did it get stuck in the back door?" It was quickly resolved, but Michelle said silly things like that happened about every 30 minutes in their house. I made a couple of observations: one, each child received attention from their parents. Jim Bob was walking through the house, and one of the little ones was playing the guitar. Most people would've just walked right by, but he made a point to stop and tell her what a great job she was doing. The other thing I noticed was Michelle never seemed harried or frantic or stressed. She kissed boo-boos, fed children, got cough drops for me, signed books for a friend who dropped by….and still found time to visit with me. I left feeling like I had been visiting with friend I had known my whole life.
I wish I could write more details, but I'm ready for bed. I'll try to write more things as I think of them, but know this - they are a very special family, we had a wonderful time, and I am blessed to call them friends!
(love you, Michelle!)
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Christmas
I will share the details of our Duggar visit later….I just need to reflect on Christmas right now.
“And when we give each other Christmas gifts in His name, let us remember that He has given us the sun and the moon and the stars, and the earth with its forests and mountains and oceans--and all that lives and move upon them. He has given us all green things and everything that blossoms and bears fruit and all that we quarrel about and all that we have misused--and to save us from our foolishness, from all our sins, He came down to earth and gave us Himself.”
― Sigrid Undset
― Sigrid Undset
I saw this on Facebook and immediately copied it to my status. I so wish I could come up with something so wonderful!
Today has been another bittersweet day. I hate to even say that….Christmas should be a time of joy and hope - and it is…but it is hard to push aside your feelings. I feel sad. I miss my earthly husband more than any words can describe. However, I do cherish the meaning of Christmas. Because God sent His son as a baby to grow up and walk a road harder than any of us could imagine, I have eternal life with my Heavenly Father. I wouldn't change that for anything. God knows our hearts. He knows mine is still broken. He is mending it, one piece at a time. He is having to use lots of glue, duct tape and bandaids. He is having to replace the same piece repeatedly sometimes, but it is healing. Today was bittersweet because part of me is not here, but at the same time, I know where he is, and I know because THIS day started the path of Christ here on earth. I also know He is still here, in my heart, the hearts of my family and friends.
We had a very nice day. We opened presents, we worshipped together and we played together. I'm so grateful for Nate and Allie, the rest of my wonderful family, and precious friends. I'm very blessed, and I thank God for it. Most of all, I thank Him for the gifts of all gifts…Himself.
Merry Christmas to everyone~
Friday, December 23, 2011
Delightful Duggar Distraction! (part 1)
Nate, Allie and I were blessed to be invited to spend a couple of days with the very special Duggar family this past week. It is an experience we will never forget, and one we are so grateful for.
Many of my Facebook friends have been intrigued by how the whole visit came about. Well, let me say it is so amazing to see God's work….and this will probably require several posts.
Travel back to April, 2010. One of my friends, Amy, is a NICU nurse at Children's Hospital. She was one of the Duggar's nurses for "child #19," Josie, who was born extremely early. She was very respectful of the Duggar family, and spoke so highly of them. I remember her giving reports of how Josie was progressing, and I prayed for that sweet little baby. (I even remember running into Jim Bob and a few of the boys at a Walgreen's here in Little Rock. I had not met him, but I watched their show, and I had accounts from Amy about Josie's progress. I guess if you watch a show that welcomes you into someone's life, you sort of feel like you know them. So, I had no problem stopping Jim Bob and inquiring about Josie….telling him we had been praying for her. I'm sure they are constantly stopped and approached as if everyone knows them personally. He was so kind, and not once did he appear irritated or rushed or inconvenienced by my letting him know we were praying and a request for Josie's progress.) So back to the beginning of our friendship. If I remember the story correctly, Amy went to work right after finding out about Brad's death. Michelle sensed that Amy had been crying, and being the tender hearted person she is, she asked Amy why. Amy told her that a friend had just lost her husband unexpectedly. Amy said Michelle and Jim Bob immediately stopped and prayed for me and the kids right then. When Amy shared this with me, I was so taken aback that they would stop to pray for a total stranger even in the midst of their own storm. The next month, Amy brought me their book "Twenty and Counting." Michelle had written a page long letter to me in her book, quoting scripture and giving us encouragement. She wrote had a very close friend who experienced the loss of her husband several years ago, so she had seen the pain of losing a spouse through her friend. Thus began the beginning of a "I'm praying for you" exchange through Amy.
About 7 months or so after Brad died, Amy told me that Michelle was bringing Josie to Little Rock for a check up, and she was meeting them at Cracker Barrel, would I like to meet her? Are you kidding? Of course I would love to! Nate had just broken his arm, so we had been to the doctor. We met a couple of the boys, oohed and ahhed over Josie and what a miracle she was. Michelle and the boys signed Nate's cast. We were all so thrilled to just meet Michelle and some of her family, especially little "miracle baby" Josie who we had prayed and prayed for! Michelle was so sweet and easy to talk to, even for the brief time that afternoon. We exchanged phone numbers and began texting each other on occasion.
When Christmas cards started floating in, I was excited to see one with a Duggar return address. It wasn't a Christmas card, but it was a card filled with scripture and encouragement, a very generous gift and an invitation to come see them. If I've learned one thing during this whole experience of widowhood, it is to accept help when it is offered. I was beginning to really struggle with Christmas and not having Brad. So, I immediately texted Michelle and told her we could not accept the gift, but we would love to come see them! Her reply was that she and Jim Bob had prayed about the gift, and it was what the Lord had laid on their hearts to send us. So, I thanked her profusely and told her I would pray about how the Lord would want us to use it. I also asked her if the week before Christmas would be a good time to visit! Whether it was or not, she said it was, so we planned to spend one night, Dec. 21.
Then one day I sat down at my computer to check my email and one of the main headlines was "Michelle Duggar miscarriages." Having been there before, I know the pain of losing a child before you can even welcome him or her into the world. Immediately I sent a text that I was so sorry, and that I was praying for them. I didn't even consider broaching the subject of our visit, as it was the last thing they should be thinking about. I kept up with everything through the media, and saw that they were having a memorial service for Jubilee on Wednesday the 14th. The next day, I sent another text that I was still praying, and that maybe given the circumstances, we would reschedule our visit for another time. Michelle's reply was insistent that we still come. The next day, I received another text asking if we would stay 2 nights so I could meet her friend who had experienced the loss of her husband. Of course we would! What an honor to be their guests. So, the kids and I began to get really excited about our adventure to the Duggar house!
(part 2 will follow later…)
Many of my Facebook friends have been intrigued by how the whole visit came about. Well, let me say it is so amazing to see God's work….and this will probably require several posts.
Travel back to April, 2010. One of my friends, Amy, is a NICU nurse at Children's Hospital. She was one of the Duggar's nurses for "child #19," Josie, who was born extremely early. She was very respectful of the Duggar family, and spoke so highly of them. I remember her giving reports of how Josie was progressing, and I prayed for that sweet little baby. (I even remember running into Jim Bob and a few of the boys at a Walgreen's here in Little Rock. I had not met him, but I watched their show, and I had accounts from Amy about Josie's progress. I guess if you watch a show that welcomes you into someone's life, you sort of feel like you know them. So, I had no problem stopping Jim Bob and inquiring about Josie….telling him we had been praying for her. I'm sure they are constantly stopped and approached as if everyone knows them personally. He was so kind, and not once did he appear irritated or rushed or inconvenienced by my letting him know we were praying and a request for Josie's progress.) So back to the beginning of our friendship. If I remember the story correctly, Amy went to work right after finding out about Brad's death. Michelle sensed that Amy had been crying, and being the tender hearted person she is, she asked Amy why. Amy told her that a friend had just lost her husband unexpectedly. Amy said Michelle and Jim Bob immediately stopped and prayed for me and the kids right then. When Amy shared this with me, I was so taken aback that they would stop to pray for a total stranger even in the midst of their own storm. The next month, Amy brought me their book "Twenty and Counting." Michelle had written a page long letter to me in her book, quoting scripture and giving us encouragement. She wrote had a very close friend who experienced the loss of her husband several years ago, so she had seen the pain of losing a spouse through her friend. Thus began the beginning of a "I'm praying for you" exchange through Amy.
About 7 months or so after Brad died, Amy told me that Michelle was bringing Josie to Little Rock for a check up, and she was meeting them at Cracker Barrel, would I like to meet her? Are you kidding? Of course I would love to! Nate had just broken his arm, so we had been to the doctor. We met a couple of the boys, oohed and ahhed over Josie and what a miracle she was. Michelle and the boys signed Nate's cast. We were all so thrilled to just meet Michelle and some of her family, especially little "miracle baby" Josie who we had prayed and prayed for! Michelle was so sweet and easy to talk to, even for the brief time that afternoon. We exchanged phone numbers and began texting each other on occasion.
When Christmas cards started floating in, I was excited to see one with a Duggar return address. It wasn't a Christmas card, but it was a card filled with scripture and encouragement, a very generous gift and an invitation to come see them. If I've learned one thing during this whole experience of widowhood, it is to accept help when it is offered. I was beginning to really struggle with Christmas and not having Brad. So, I immediately texted Michelle and told her we could not accept the gift, but we would love to come see them! Her reply was that she and Jim Bob had prayed about the gift, and it was what the Lord had laid on their hearts to send us. So, I thanked her profusely and told her I would pray about how the Lord would want us to use it. I also asked her if the week before Christmas would be a good time to visit! Whether it was or not, she said it was, so we planned to spend one night, Dec. 21.
Then one day I sat down at my computer to check my email and one of the main headlines was "Michelle Duggar miscarriages." Having been there before, I know the pain of losing a child before you can even welcome him or her into the world. Immediately I sent a text that I was so sorry, and that I was praying for them. I didn't even consider broaching the subject of our visit, as it was the last thing they should be thinking about. I kept up with everything through the media, and saw that they were having a memorial service for Jubilee on Wednesday the 14th. The next day, I sent another text that I was still praying, and that maybe given the circumstances, we would reschedule our visit for another time. Michelle's reply was insistent that we still come. The next day, I received another text asking if we would stay 2 nights so I could meet her friend who had experienced the loss of her husband. Of course we would! What an honor to be their guests. So, the kids and I began to get really excited about our adventure to the Duggar house!
(part 2 will follow later…)
Monday, December 12, 2011
Roller Coaster
I never have been very fond of roller coasters....
My very first roller coaster was The Judge Roy Scream at Six Flags Over Texas when I was in Jr. High. One of my friends asked me to ride it with her, so I agreed. I kinda liked it. I mean, I didn't hate it, but I didn't love it. Fast forward a few years and I agree to ride the Roaring Tornado at Magic Springs. I knew better than to get on that stupid thing, but against my better judgment, I caved to the peer pressure. I didn't know if I could make it down the stairs afterwards. My legs were shaking so badly, I couldn't even step down without holding onto the railing. My friends were making fun of me. I swore then I would never ride another one. That is, until my niece and nephews convinced me that The Arkansas Twister was "not that bad," and I would like it. Uh, wrong! Hated every minute of it! Screamed like a girl!
Would you believe I actually rode TWO more coasters even after that one? The worst part is, I knew better. Brad talked me into The Texas Giant. He loved, loved, loved riding roller coasters! I got off mumbling and grumbling, swearing to never get on another one...Tornado, Twister, Giant....get a clue, Jen!
As for the last ride, one would think that by the age of 43, I would've wised up. Not so. In August 2010, I took the kids to San Diego. It was our first "family" trip without Brad. We were at Sea World, and they wanted to ride "Atlantis." (if you've been on this ride, you know what's coming...) So, trying to be a good mom, and do something out of my comfort zone, doing what Brad would've done, I agree to getting in line. Keep in mind, this whole time I'm thinking this is a LOG RIDE. I started getting uneasy the closer we got to the front of the line. "Do I HAVE to ride?" I asked the kids. "Yes! We won't ride without you!" (do you see where this is going?) The kids climb in, and I am by myself behind them, fighting the ever-growing fear building up inside me. I begin to suspect there is valid reasoning for this fear when they pull the bar down and make sure I'm locked in. Uh-oh. I'm so gonna kill my kids. Right off the bat, we climb the steep hill and plunge what seemed like 100's of feet down. I'm not a happy camper. Little did I know, it was going to get worse. We go up and down a little more, then we slow down as we approach a wall. I'm thinking, "We're going to run into it!" as a door opens. We slowly ride inside and the doors close behind us. Dark. I'm borderline psycho at this point. All of a sudden music stars blaring, some man is carrying on about the lost world or something-or-other, and our car/boat/death trap starts rocking from side to side and rising UP - still in the dark. You've got to be kidding me! Finally, we stop, and I notice a small sign that says something like "hold on or you're gonna die." Ok, no, it didn't really say those exact words...but something really close. Before I can even process what I read, doors open, and I see....BLUE SKY. Next thing I know, we slowly creep out into the middle of the air. I was terrified. All of a sudden, we are dropping at an extremely high rate of speed, flying around and up and down and this way and that way. Will it ever end? "Ahhhhhh! Get me off this thing!" Finally, we slow down, ease back to the starting point and the only words that will come out of my mouth are "I hate y'all." Nate and Allie are highly offended, but I didnt care. If it was possible to hate my own children, it happened at that moment. Of course, they loved it and wanted to ride it again! Uh, no, no, NO WILL YOU NOT EVER GET ME ON ANOTHER ROLLER COASTER AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE!" Ok, a little melodramatic, but I had been traumatized! There was a girl behind me who was not too happy to be on the ride, either. I remember hearing her say "That was just wrong." You said it, sister! I was so glad to have my feet back on the ground. I was livid. I was so mad, it took me a good 30 minutes to regain my senses and my love for my children. I repeated over and over "absolutely no more roller coasters."
Well, that really was not my last roller coaster. The moment I became a widow, my whole life has been a roller coaster, a lot like that last one. It has had the most extreme ups and downs, twists and turns, dark places and terrifying moments. I want off this roller coaster! Yet, looking back, there have been some blue skies and some moments that have actually felt like my ride was slowing down and I was going to be able to get off. Of course I can't actually get off, but I am beginning to see this ride does not go on forever. God has had his safety bar tightly against me, and His tracks always lead back to a smooth, level ride. Sometimes, I will approach a door and think it's not going to open, but it does. I know I will have some more ups and downs, twists and turns. But the ups are getting more frequent, and the twists and turns are more surprising than terrifying. In The Voice translation, Romans 8:28 states "We are confident that God is able to orchestrate everything to work toward something good and beautiful when we love Him and accept His invitation to live according to His plan." I love this translation because it adds a key component that we often overlook: we have to accept His invitation to live according to His plan. I've accepted my invitation. I'm on the roller coaster , but it is God's ride. He is in control, and promises that everything will work out. He may keep me in the dark, then surprise me with a blue sky. He will lessen the steep drops, He will slow it down, He will keep me safe...as long as I stay on His track. It's not the ride I would've chosen, but just like all the other rides, someone asked me to get on, and I accepted.
My life may be a roller coaster, but it's God's roller coaster. I've accepted it and I'm learning to go along for the ride.
My very first roller coaster was The Judge Roy Scream at Six Flags Over Texas when I was in Jr. High. One of my friends asked me to ride it with her, so I agreed. I kinda liked it. I mean, I didn't hate it, but I didn't love it. Fast forward a few years and I agree to ride the Roaring Tornado at Magic Springs. I knew better than to get on that stupid thing, but against my better judgment, I caved to the peer pressure. I didn't know if I could make it down the stairs afterwards. My legs were shaking so badly, I couldn't even step down without holding onto the railing. My friends were making fun of me. I swore then I would never ride another one. That is, until my niece and nephews convinced me that The Arkansas Twister was "not that bad," and I would like it. Uh, wrong! Hated every minute of it! Screamed like a girl!
Would you believe I actually rode TWO more coasters even after that one? The worst part is, I knew better. Brad talked me into The Texas Giant. He loved, loved, loved riding roller coasters! I got off mumbling and grumbling, swearing to never get on another one...Tornado, Twister, Giant....get a clue, Jen!
As for the last ride, one would think that by the age of 43, I would've wised up. Not so. In August 2010, I took the kids to San Diego. It was our first "family" trip without Brad. We were at Sea World, and they wanted to ride "Atlantis." (if you've been on this ride, you know what's coming...) So, trying to be a good mom, and do something out of my comfort zone, doing what Brad would've done, I agree to getting in line. Keep in mind, this whole time I'm thinking this is a LOG RIDE. I started getting uneasy the closer we got to the front of the line. "Do I HAVE to ride?" I asked the kids. "Yes! We won't ride without you!" (do you see where this is going?) The kids climb in, and I am by myself behind them, fighting the ever-growing fear building up inside me. I begin to suspect there is valid reasoning for this fear when they pull the bar down and make sure I'm locked in. Uh-oh. I'm so gonna kill my kids. Right off the bat, we climb the steep hill and plunge what seemed like 100's of feet down. I'm not a happy camper. Little did I know, it was going to get worse. We go up and down a little more, then we slow down as we approach a wall. I'm thinking, "We're going to run into it!" as a door opens. We slowly ride inside and the doors close behind us. Dark. I'm borderline psycho at this point. All of a sudden music stars blaring, some man is carrying on about the lost world or something-or-other, and our car/boat/death trap starts rocking from side to side and rising UP - still in the dark. You've got to be kidding me! Finally, we stop, and I notice a small sign that says something like "hold on or you're gonna die." Ok, no, it didn't really say those exact words...but something really close. Before I can even process what I read, doors open, and I see....BLUE SKY. Next thing I know, we slowly creep out into the middle of the air. I was terrified. All of a sudden, we are dropping at an extremely high rate of speed, flying around and up and down and this way and that way. Will it ever end? "Ahhhhhh! Get me off this thing!" Finally, we slow down, ease back to the starting point and the only words that will come out of my mouth are "I hate y'all." Nate and Allie are highly offended, but I didnt care. If it was possible to hate my own children, it happened at that moment. Of course, they loved it and wanted to ride it again! Uh, no, no, NO WILL YOU NOT EVER GET ME ON ANOTHER ROLLER COASTER AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE!" Ok, a little melodramatic, but I had been traumatized! There was a girl behind me who was not too happy to be on the ride, either. I remember hearing her say "That was just wrong." You said it, sister! I was so glad to have my feet back on the ground. I was livid. I was so mad, it took me a good 30 minutes to regain my senses and my love for my children. I repeated over and over "absolutely no more roller coasters."
Well, that really was not my last roller coaster. The moment I became a widow, my whole life has been a roller coaster, a lot like that last one. It has had the most extreme ups and downs, twists and turns, dark places and terrifying moments. I want off this roller coaster! Yet, looking back, there have been some blue skies and some moments that have actually felt like my ride was slowing down and I was going to be able to get off. Of course I can't actually get off, but I am beginning to see this ride does not go on forever. God has had his safety bar tightly against me, and His tracks always lead back to a smooth, level ride. Sometimes, I will approach a door and think it's not going to open, but it does. I know I will have some more ups and downs, twists and turns. But the ups are getting more frequent, and the twists and turns are more surprising than terrifying. In The Voice translation, Romans 8:28 states "We are confident that God is able to orchestrate everything to work toward something good and beautiful when we love Him and accept His invitation to live according to His plan." I love this translation because it adds a key component that we often overlook: we have to accept His invitation to live according to His plan. I've accepted my invitation. I'm on the roller coaster , but it is God's ride. He is in control, and promises that everything will work out. He may keep me in the dark, then surprise me with a blue sky. He will lessen the steep drops, He will slow it down, He will keep me safe...as long as I stay on His track. It's not the ride I would've chosen, but just like all the other rides, someone asked me to get on, and I accepted.
My life may be a roller coaster, but it's God's roller coaster. I've accepted it and I'm learning to go along for the ride.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Random Saturday Night Thoughts
A couple of days ago, my throat started hurting a little. By Friday morning, I pretty much knew I had an infection. I had some things to get at WalMart for a needy family that I was helping a friend with, so why not try the clinic IN WalMart? I mean, where else can you buy groceries, toothpaste and Christmas presents; grab coffee from McDonald's; see a Nurse Practitioner; and get your prescription?! I love Sam Walton and his ingenious idea of one-stop shopping. It really makes life easier. I got my antibiotic and I was good to go.
My mom and dad came up for a visit yesterday and we watched Christmas Vacation while Nate and Allie each made their own batch of cookies/cookie dough. (well, my mom had to help a little - thanks, Mom!) Allie likes to make cookies, Nate likes to eat the cookie dough. No denying these are my kids. Anyway, we all laughed and laughed at the movie. "And why is the carpet all wet, TODD?….I don't KNOW, Margot!" "It's the gift that keeps on giving all year long." This was one of Brad's favorite movies. We watched it every year. He would quote lines and we would laugh so hard. He knew exactly where to mute it so the kids wouldn't hear the not-so-desirable words. So, while I was laughing and trying to remember in what parts to hit the mute button, I was also feeling a twinge of pain as I missed having Brad share in the laughter and the time together.
Tonight, I am watching The Polar Express. Yes, by myself. Day 2 of strep throat and I am feeling pretty lousy. I've been in bed most of the day. Allie started watching with me, but then the occasional invite from Nate to play on the PS3 was too tempting. Here comes the pain again. Brad loved this movie, too. He was just all about Christmas and being in the Christmas spirit. He always made sure Christmas music was playing, and he insisted we watch all these movies every year. But I haven't even named his favorite yet. I'm sure it won't surprise you to learn it is "It's a Wonderful Life." Just typing that puts a smile on my face, because Brad did have a wonderful life, and my life wouldn't have been the same without him.
I've shuffled to the kitchen to fix a mug of cider and to sit down to write this note. I just felt like I needed to write. I guess it's just the emotions and memories that these movies are evoking. Such sweet times with Brad and the kids. I'm so grateful Brad was able to be here during their formative years. I have no doubt that he laid a great foundation for them, and when I feel inadequate, I have to trust that feeling and that God will pick up where Brad left off.
I've not finished my shopping, and really don't have much of a desire to get back out in the hustle and bustle of life. I love shopping, but right now, that is just one more thing on my to-do list which already seems insurmountable. When you lose someone so close to you, the holidays are hard. However, as hard as it is to not have him here, I take comfort in the true meaning of Christmas. God loved us so much, He sent His only son to a young girl named Mary to be born in a stable. A miraculous birth on earth that was the beginning of the reason for hope. I have hope that I will see Brad again some day. Brad and I added "The Nativity Story" to our list of must-sees at Christmas. It was so important to us for the kids to always remember the true meaning. Brad was such a good dad and husband. I thank God for loaning him to us, even if it was for what I feel was not a long enough time. Until I see the face of Jesus and am reunited with Brad, I will continue the traditions we started, always remember the sweet memories, but most of all celebrate the miracle of Jesus' birth.
My mom and dad came up for a visit yesterday and we watched Christmas Vacation while Nate and Allie each made their own batch of cookies/cookie dough. (well, my mom had to help a little - thanks, Mom!) Allie likes to make cookies, Nate likes to eat the cookie dough. No denying these are my kids. Anyway, we all laughed and laughed at the movie. "And why is the carpet all wet, TODD?….I don't KNOW, Margot!" "It's the gift that keeps on giving all year long." This was one of Brad's favorite movies. We watched it every year. He would quote lines and we would laugh so hard. He knew exactly where to mute it so the kids wouldn't hear the not-so-desirable words. So, while I was laughing and trying to remember in what parts to hit the mute button, I was also feeling a twinge of pain as I missed having Brad share in the laughter and the time together.
Tonight, I am watching The Polar Express. Yes, by myself. Day 2 of strep throat and I am feeling pretty lousy. I've been in bed most of the day. Allie started watching with me, but then the occasional invite from Nate to play on the PS3 was too tempting. Here comes the pain again. Brad loved this movie, too. He was just all about Christmas and being in the Christmas spirit. He always made sure Christmas music was playing, and he insisted we watch all these movies every year. But I haven't even named his favorite yet. I'm sure it won't surprise you to learn it is "It's a Wonderful Life." Just typing that puts a smile on my face, because Brad did have a wonderful life, and my life wouldn't have been the same without him.
I've shuffled to the kitchen to fix a mug of cider and to sit down to write this note. I just felt like I needed to write. I guess it's just the emotions and memories that these movies are evoking. Such sweet times with Brad and the kids. I'm so grateful Brad was able to be here during their formative years. I have no doubt that he laid a great foundation for them, and when I feel inadequate, I have to trust that feeling and that God will pick up where Brad left off.
I've not finished my shopping, and really don't have much of a desire to get back out in the hustle and bustle of life. I love shopping, but right now, that is just one more thing on my to-do list which already seems insurmountable. When you lose someone so close to you, the holidays are hard. However, as hard as it is to not have him here, I take comfort in the true meaning of Christmas. God loved us so much, He sent His only son to a young girl named Mary to be born in a stable. A miraculous birth on earth that was the beginning of the reason for hope. I have hope that I will see Brad again some day. Brad and I added "The Nativity Story" to our list of must-sees at Christmas. It was so important to us for the kids to always remember the true meaning. Brad was such a good dad and husband. I thank God for loaning him to us, even if it was for what I feel was not a long enough time. Until I see the face of Jesus and am reunited with Brad, I will continue the traditions we started, always remember the sweet memories, but most of all celebrate the miracle of Jesus' birth.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Christmas Casualties and more Tough Stuff
In 2009, our Westie, Max, ran away. We were planning to get a new dog last summer, but after Brad's death, I just couldn't handle another breathing thing to care for. A few months ago, after months of begging, I finally gave in. We rescued a Great Pyranees from the shelter. He just fit right in and was the best dog….until he decided to bite two of Nate's friends unprovoked. So, back he went….with me sobbing the whole way. The kids and I became attached to him very quickly. A friend had seen my post on Facebook about the drama, and knew of a family who was needing to pass their dog along to another family. Enter Bo. He is the cutest little Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. The kids absolutely adore him. I can't really say the same, because he sheds terribly and I am already overwhelmed with a messy house. So, while I don't necessarily adore him, I do love him because my kids love him. So, Bo….well, apparently he has decided that he likes to eat Christmas decorations. He has not shown interest in anything else since we got him this summer, but leave some unsuspecting Christmas decor lying around and it is history. It started with my wreath. Casualties from this session included a pine cone, a gold pear, and some berries. The next to go was the cutest little camel that went with a wooden nativity set that I have had since Brad and I first got married. Allie found his head. I found pieces of the rest of him. Then just this morning, I hear him in the other room chewing on something. I walked in to find him gnawing on my Hummel ornament given to me by a dear family friend around the same time as the camel. Apparently we will have to move all our ornaments up a little like people with toddlers. I haven't figured out what his obsession with Christmas decorations is all about! Here's a picture of his cute little face. Don't let it fool you. ;-)
Now to the Tough Stuff. Nate had to wear a dress shirt and tie today because they have their first away game for basketball. After all those years of watching Brad tie a tie, I just knew I could do it. I couldn't. We even pulled up instructions on YouTube, and I still couldn't do it. Thank goodness for a dear neighbor who came to the rescue. Again, the tears. My emotions swing wildly from "I'm inadequate as a parent to a 13 year old boy" to "My child should not have to have friend's dad help him with his tie! It should be HIS dad!" Surely God has something magnificent in store for my children. I just have to cling to that hope...
Now to the Tough Stuff. Nate had to wear a dress shirt and tie today because they have their first away game for basketball. After all those years of watching Brad tie a tie, I just knew I could do it. I couldn't. We even pulled up instructions on YouTube, and I still couldn't do it. Thank goodness for a dear neighbor who came to the rescue. Again, the tears. My emotions swing wildly from "I'm inadequate as a parent to a 13 year old boy" to "My child should not have to have friend's dad help him with his tie! It should be HIS dad!" Surely God has something magnificent in store for my children. I just have to cling to that hope...
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
The Tough Stuff
Disclaimer: this post is pretty emotionally raw....
Today didn't start out as I had planned. I was greeted by Nate telling me he had a dream that Brad came back. Then he asked me if that could happen. *sigh* "No, sweetie." I guess it was just wishful thinking on his part? He then referenced someone who had spoken at their chapel. Apparently, they had been saved from death. Nate wanted to know why others were saved, but his dad was not. *sigh again* How do you answer that? I answered with my usual reply, "It's part of God's plan that we don't understand." Nothing I could say would make it better. I look at my child and see he really is looking less like a boy, and more like a man. Brad, to be precise. He looks like him, he acts like him....which are good things! It just makes my heart hurt that he doesn't have his dad. His loss is so different from mine, and I can't even begin to imagine what is going on in that teenage head and heart.
Some days I can swallow a conversation like that and keep going. Some days I can't even choke it down. Today was one of those days. The tears started falling, so I just crawled back in bed and let them. I was overwhelmed by the gravity of my conversation with Nate, thinking about my "to do" list, the finances, the light bulbs I can't reach, but mostly that I am having to do all these things alone.
I've learned a lot about grief. I've learned if you swallow it over and over, it will eventually come back up. Sometimes it triggers tears out of nowhere - like something as trivial as standing in my closet trying to find something to wear, and accidentally knocking his keys (that I had planned to put in my memory box) off the dresser. Or seeing a big group of ducks flying overhead. There's more….the side of the bed that is never slept in; hearing "I'll Be Home For Christmas," knowing he won't be coming home and how empty and hollow everything seems without him; seeing the first snow of the season; not having him making sure Christmas music is playing; having to go buy something for Nate in the Dillard's men's section, remembering all the times we spent shopping together...I literally felt physically ill. Then to get home and try to keep from crying in front of the kids. I know it is ok to cry in front of them, I just don't like doing it. I can tell it pains them to see me cry. They need me to be ok. So I am, in front of them most of the time. Behind closed doors, I cry because my heart is still broken, and no one knows what to say or do.
Yet, in the midst of my brokenness, God sends me little reminders that He is with me. I was in the bathroom, mindlessly running a brush through my hair. I had forced myself to get up and get ready to go to work, then pick up the kids. I started reading today's passage from Jesus Calling. About three or four lines into it I was stunned to read "I know the number of hairs on your head..." Well, as you can imagine, the tears started flowing again. This time not because I was sad, but because I knew that was God's way of wrapping His arms around me, reminding me He knows....and He cares.
I am trying really hard to move forward. It's almost like one step forward, two steps back. Days like today were more like three or four steps back. Tomorrow will be a better day. I know this was probably a hard post to read for some. Please know that I feel your prayers, and that is what I need the most.
Oh, and Nate did say something that made me smile. He said I should call the school and complain....(uh oh, I thought)....that they should have chapel every day. Not what I was expecting at all, but what a great thing to hear! It is such a blessing that Nate and Allie are able to attend a Christian school. They are surrounded by friends and teachers that love the Lord, and love them.
Today didn't start out as I had planned. I was greeted by Nate telling me he had a dream that Brad came back. Then he asked me if that could happen. *sigh* "No, sweetie." I guess it was just wishful thinking on his part? He then referenced someone who had spoken at their chapel. Apparently, they had been saved from death. Nate wanted to know why others were saved, but his dad was not. *sigh again* How do you answer that? I answered with my usual reply, "It's part of God's plan that we don't understand." Nothing I could say would make it better. I look at my child and see he really is looking less like a boy, and more like a man. Brad, to be precise. He looks like him, he acts like him....which are good things! It just makes my heart hurt that he doesn't have his dad. His loss is so different from mine, and I can't even begin to imagine what is going on in that teenage head and heart.
Some days I can swallow a conversation like that and keep going. Some days I can't even choke it down. Today was one of those days. The tears started falling, so I just crawled back in bed and let them. I was overwhelmed by the gravity of my conversation with Nate, thinking about my "to do" list, the finances, the light bulbs I can't reach, but mostly that I am having to do all these things alone.
I've learned a lot about grief. I've learned if you swallow it over and over, it will eventually come back up. Sometimes it triggers tears out of nowhere - like something as trivial as standing in my closet trying to find something to wear, and accidentally knocking his keys (that I had planned to put in my memory box) off the dresser. Or seeing a big group of ducks flying overhead. There's more….the side of the bed that is never slept in; hearing "I'll Be Home For Christmas," knowing he won't be coming home and how empty and hollow everything seems without him; seeing the first snow of the season; not having him making sure Christmas music is playing; having to go buy something for Nate in the Dillard's men's section, remembering all the times we spent shopping together...I literally felt physically ill. Then to get home and try to keep from crying in front of the kids. I know it is ok to cry in front of them, I just don't like doing it. I can tell it pains them to see me cry. They need me to be ok. So I am, in front of them most of the time. Behind closed doors, I cry because my heart is still broken, and no one knows what to say or do.
Yet, in the midst of my brokenness, God sends me little reminders that He is with me. I was in the bathroom, mindlessly running a brush through my hair. I had forced myself to get up and get ready to go to work, then pick up the kids. I started reading today's passage from Jesus Calling. About three or four lines into it I was stunned to read "I know the number of hairs on your head..." Well, as you can imagine, the tears started flowing again. This time not because I was sad, but because I knew that was God's way of wrapping His arms around me, reminding me He knows....and He cares.
I am trying really hard to move forward. It's almost like one step forward, two steps back. Days like today were more like three or four steps back. Tomorrow will be a better day. I know this was probably a hard post to read for some. Please know that I feel your prayers, and that is what I need the most.
Oh, and Nate did say something that made me smile. He said I should call the school and complain....(uh oh, I thought)....that they should have chapel every day. Not what I was expecting at all, but what a great thing to hear! It is such a blessing that Nate and Allie are able to attend a Christian school. They are surrounded by friends and teachers that love the Lord, and love them.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
God's Word to me on 11/12/10... Choices
Romans 8 (MSG)
"5-8Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God's action in them find that God's Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life. Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God. Anyone completely absorbed in self ignores God, ends up thinking more about self than God. That person ignores who God is and what he is doing. And God isn't pleased at being ignored.
9-11But if God himself has taken up residence in your life, you can hardly be thinking more of yourself than of him. Anyone, of course, who has not welcomed this invisible but clearly present God, the Spirit of Christ, won't know what we're talking about. But for you who welcome him, in whom he dwells—even though you still experience all the limitations of sin—you yourself experience life on God's terms. It stands to reason, doesn't it, that if the alive-and-present God who raised Jesus from the dead moves into your life, he'll do the same thing in you that he did in Jesus, bringing you alive to himself? When God lives and breathes in you (and he does, as surely as he did in Jesus), you are delivered from that dead life. With his Spirit living in you, your body will be as alive as Christ's!
12-14So don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There's nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go!
15-17This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him!
18-21That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens."
When I think about the night that Brad was called home, I remember being given a peace that this was part of God's plan. Do I like it? NO! I HATE it! But do I have a say in the matter? No. Is there anything I could have done to change it? No! This is what God has given me. That night, God gave me a choice. He always gives us a choice in how we react to the circumstances he has given us. I could have easily chosen to be angry, to be bitter, to be less than what God expected of me. No. I chose to accept what God had planned for me since before I was even created. That doesn't make it easy. I miss my earthly husband more than words. He wasn't perfect, but neither am I. Our marriage wasn't perfect, but God was in the center, and He is perfect. We loved each other, we worked at our marriage, and God blessed us with a deeper love with each passing year. It's easy for us in our human minds to ask "why me?" If we truly believe that God is in control, we wholly TRUST and have FAITH that He knows what is best for us, then you will be keenly aware of His presence.The question then becomes, "Why not me?" The decision I made that night has forever changed my life. Yes, seeing Brad go to spend eternity with God changed my life, but the decision I made changed it MORE. I'm still here, God still has plans for me. Brad's job is done. He planted seeds, he taught the kids and I the importance of seeking God. He made a difference in people's lives. Why would I ruin all that he worked so hard for during his life on earth by being bitter and angry? What would I be teaching my children if I let this difficult path break me instead of proving my faith is real? Life on earth is not easy. Choosing to trust God is! There is an indescribable peace when you make that choice. People look at my life and think "she is so strong" or "I could never do that" or "I don't know what I would do if that happened to me." Well, I used to think things like that as well. But when God gave me a path I would never have chosen, I said "This will be used for Your glory." I believe it is. I can't see the big picture, but God can. He is allowing me to see little pieces, encouraging glimpses that fuel my passion to live my life for Him. There are bad moments. There are bad hours. There are bad days. There are bad weeks. But in between all those bad moments, hours, days and weeks, there are incredible moments, sweet hours, fun days, and strong weeks! I've said I'm only as strong as God makes me. He chose this path for me, so I have to trust that He will give me the strength to endure. I will miss Brad until the day we are reunited, but in the meantime, I have the memories of the times we shared, two beautiful children that God blessed us with, and the purpose of a life chosen and led by God.
"5-8Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God's action in them find that God's Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life. Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God. Anyone completely absorbed in self ignores God, ends up thinking more about self than God. That person ignores who God is and what he is doing. And God isn't pleased at being ignored.
9-11But if God himself has taken up residence in your life, you can hardly be thinking more of yourself than of him. Anyone, of course, who has not welcomed this invisible but clearly present God, the Spirit of Christ, won't know what we're talking about. But for you who welcome him, in whom he dwells—even though you still experience all the limitations of sin—you yourself experience life on God's terms. It stands to reason, doesn't it, that if the alive-and-present God who raised Jesus from the dead moves into your life, he'll do the same thing in you that he did in Jesus, bringing you alive to himself? When God lives and breathes in you (and he does, as surely as he did in Jesus), you are delivered from that dead life. With his Spirit living in you, your body will be as alive as Christ's!
12-14So don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There's nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go!
15-17This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him!
18-21That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens."
When I think about the night that Brad was called home, I remember being given a peace that this was part of God's plan. Do I like it? NO! I HATE it! But do I have a say in the matter? No. Is there anything I could have done to change it? No! This is what God has given me. That night, God gave me a choice. He always gives us a choice in how we react to the circumstances he has given us. I could have easily chosen to be angry, to be bitter, to be less than what God expected of me. No. I chose to accept what God had planned for me since before I was even created. That doesn't make it easy. I miss my earthly husband more than words. He wasn't perfect, but neither am I. Our marriage wasn't perfect, but God was in the center, and He is perfect. We loved each other, we worked at our marriage, and God blessed us with a deeper love with each passing year. It's easy for us in our human minds to ask "why me?" If we truly believe that God is in control, we wholly TRUST and have FAITH that He knows what is best for us, then you will be keenly aware of His presence.The question then becomes, "Why not me?" The decision I made that night has forever changed my life. Yes, seeing Brad go to spend eternity with God changed my life, but the decision I made changed it MORE. I'm still here, God still has plans for me. Brad's job is done. He planted seeds, he taught the kids and I the importance of seeking God. He made a difference in people's lives. Why would I ruin all that he worked so hard for during his life on earth by being bitter and angry? What would I be teaching my children if I let this difficult path break me instead of proving my faith is real? Life on earth is not easy. Choosing to trust God is! There is an indescribable peace when you make that choice. People look at my life and think "she is so strong" or "I could never do that" or "I don't know what I would do if that happened to me." Well, I used to think things like that as well. But when God gave me a path I would never have chosen, I said "This will be used for Your glory." I believe it is. I can't see the big picture, but God can. He is allowing me to see little pieces, encouraging glimpses that fuel my passion to live my life for Him. There are bad moments. There are bad hours. There are bad days. There are bad weeks. But in between all those bad moments, hours, days and weeks, there are incredible moments, sweet hours, fun days, and strong weeks! I've said I'm only as strong as God makes me. He chose this path for me, so I have to trust that He will give me the strength to endure. I will miss Brad until the day we are reunited, but in the meantime, I have the memories of the times we shared, two beautiful children that God blessed us with, and the purpose of a life chosen and led by God.
Our Family
We met as two: one woman, one man.
Bringing us together was obviously part of God’s plan.
We fell in love after just a few dates.
We became best friends, we were truly soul mates.
We married soon after; God joined us as one.
May 18, 1991, our family of two had just begun.
The road was not easy, many storms we would weather.
But with God in the middle, we would stay together.
We tried several years to add a child to our life.
The first 7 years we were just husband and wife.
Infertility taught us patience and dependence on Him.
He gave us hope when things looked really dim.
I believe that journey was a stepping stone
To teach me how to depend on God alone.
But during that storm what a gift God gave to me….
A man after His own heart I grew to see.
After praying and waiting God blessed us times two -
First a boy, then a girl; our dreams had come true.
We thanked God for opening what seemed a closed door
In just a few years our family of two became a family of four.
When I look back over my life with Brad,
The times we shared were much more happy than sad.
I wish I could see him, hear his voice, touch his hand.
I will always think of him when I look at my wedding band.
Some days all I can do is cry,
But I know it's part of God's plan, so I try not to ask "why?"
God is not a God of chaos or of surprise,
He has our lives planned before the first time we open our eyes.
I miss Brad more than anyone could ever know.
But I know by God’s grace, He will ease the sorrow.
My children are precious - each one is a treasure.
The love I have for them no one can measure.
I look at them and marvel at what I see…
A little bit of Brad, and a little bit of me.
We loved to travel, grill out and the Dave Matthews Band.
We loved going to the beach and walking in the sand.
We loved to be together as our family of four,
But now it’s just three…..the four is no more.
What does God plan to do with my life?
I’m only a mom now, no longer a wife.
I know He has great plans in the months and years ahead.
He gives me great strength when I don’t want to get out of bed.
When things seem hard, when I’m feeling so sad,
It’s comforting to know that God is with Brad.
What an awesome thought with which I agree:
That if Brad is with God, and God is with me….
Brad is here with us,
Our family of three.
Bringing us together was obviously part of God’s plan.
We fell in love after just a few dates.
We became best friends, we were truly soul mates.
We married soon after; God joined us as one.
May 18, 1991, our family of two had just begun.
The road was not easy, many storms we would weather.
But with God in the middle, we would stay together.
We tried several years to add a child to our life.
The first 7 years we were just husband and wife.
Infertility taught us patience and dependence on Him.
He gave us hope when things looked really dim.
I believe that journey was a stepping stone
To teach me how to depend on God alone.
But during that storm what a gift God gave to me….
A man after His own heart I grew to see.
After praying and waiting God blessed us times two -
First a boy, then a girl; our dreams had come true.
We thanked God for opening what seemed a closed door
In just a few years our family of two became a family of four.
When I look back over my life with Brad,
The times we shared were much more happy than sad.
I wish I could see him, hear his voice, touch his hand.
I will always think of him when I look at my wedding band.
Some days all I can do is cry,
But I know it's part of God's plan, so I try not to ask "why?"
God is not a God of chaos or of surprise,
He has our lives planned before the first time we open our eyes.
I miss Brad more than anyone could ever know.
But I know by God’s grace, He will ease the sorrow.
My children are precious - each one is a treasure.
The love I have for them no one can measure.
I look at them and marvel at what I see…
A little bit of Brad, and a little bit of me.
We loved to travel, grill out and the Dave Matthews Band.
We loved going to the beach and walking in the sand.
We loved to be together as our family of four,
But now it’s just three…..the four is no more.
What does God plan to do with my life?
I’m only a mom now, no longer a wife.
I know He has great plans in the months and years ahead.
He gives me great strength when I don’t want to get out of bed.
When things seem hard, when I’m feeling so sad,
It’s comforting to know that God is with Brad.
What an awesome thought with which I agree:
That if Brad is with God, and God is with me….
Brad is here with us,
Our family of three.
Seeing God in a Federal Building
On Friday, May 14, 2010, my sister and I went to the federal building in downtown Little Rock for my Social Security appointment. This appointment was given to me, I did not pick it. We arrived a few
minutes early, found a place at the end of the parking meters...which meant Terri didn't have to parallel park - an event she was hoping to avoid! There were 9 minutes left on the meter. I filled it with coins to give us 2 hours, not knowing how long we would be. We walked through the metal detector and found the Social Security office to our immediate left. We walked in, I checked in and we sat down. We both noticed that looked out of place - we knew there were many sad stories around us without even talking to anyone. The room was full, there were lots of windows - I counted 17. At exactly my appointment time, I am called to window 9. We sat down and faced a very pleasant young woman with a quiet demeanor. I was immediately comfortable with her. Not knowing what to expect, I was relieved it wasn't someone grouchy or insensitive. We spent approximately 20 minutes with me giving her information to put in the system. She asked me for the kids' birth certificates. She noticed that Allie was born in Monticello and seems surprised - as if she was expecting it to say Little Rock. Then she noticed that Nate was born in Pine Bluff. The dialouge follows: "Y'all sure did a lot of jumping around! Pine Bluff, Monticello, Little Rock...." I explained that we were actually in Monticello when Nate was born. She begins, "I lived in Monticello from '95 to '02." Very matter-of-fact, no hint or suggestion that our paths ever crossed. I replied, "Brad actually graduated from UAM in '95, then he went to work for the banks." My sister laughed as she said "almost all of them!" Adding: "Y'all may have passed each other at WalMart!" We laughed and the young woman began having a puzzled look on her face. She asked, "Did he go by Brad?" (all the documents stated his given name, Bradley) I said yes. Then she said, "Did he work at Heartland Bank?" I said yes, again. "Was he a loan officer?" Again, yes. Terri says "Show her a picture." So, I pull up his picture on my iPhone. She looks at it, smiles, then starts nodding her head yes. Then the most amazing thing happened. Tears welled up in her eyes...she started talking... "I knew him. He got me up on my feet when I was a student. He gave me a signature loan to help me get started.....I had nothing, I was a student. He was a great judge of character - he always knew when my son's father and I were 'on the rocks.' In fact, about 6 months before my son's father and I split up, Brad went through and took my name off all the loans so I wouldn't be responsible for the debt my son's father was in - he was buying 4-wheelers and all this stuff. Brad basically built my credit."
Past this point, my memory is fuzzy because I was so stunned to be sitting in the Social Security office listening to a total stranger tell me how my husband helped her many years ago. We may say "what are the odds of that happening?" I could guess a million to one....but the truth is, there are no odds involved. It was an encounter totally orchestrated by God. I was so encouraged and filled with the Holy Spirit. There are no coincidences, only parts of God's plan being revealed to us.
We wiped our tears and completed the paperwork. Before we left, she asked if I had any questions for her. I told her I had one, but that it didn't have anything to do with Social Security, but it had everything to do with Brad. "I don't know what your faith is, but faith was the most important thing to Brad. I know Brad would want me to use this opportunity to mention it. I would love for you to come to our church." She told me they attended a church regularly, but were not members. She took my email, but I've not heard from her. I'm not really expecting to. I am, however, praising God for giving me a glimpse of Brad in an otherwise unwanted situation. God is with us and around us.....even showing up in a federal building.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Memories
Yesterday was such a fun day for me! I got to return to my alma mater, Ouachita Baptist University, to sing with a very special group of ladies, The Ouachi-Tones. If you went to OBU, then you probably know what I'm talking about. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, I was in an all-girls singing group named the Ouachi-Tones. We sang all over the state, nation and even Europe while I was a member! We had an annual concert in January, so we had to return to campus early every year to practice for our show. We sang, danced, even did some commercial parodies. (Remember the Bartles & Jaymes guys? How about GE Bringing Good Things To Life….the Energizer bunny...oh, you had to be there!) We toured all over Arkansas, from Monticello to Bentonville and towns in between….so there were some long van rides. On one particular trip home, we made up a rap (yes, a rap!) that we ended up performing at our concert. Would you believe I still know it after all these years? Some of our more memorable trips were to New York City, where we sang at the United Nations building, St. Louis, and Oklahoma (where Denise's grandfather entertained us by hypnotizing my roommate - she truly believed she had just won Miss America!). We sang in a beautiful cathedral in Austria, in the balcony with no heat, and a Baptist church in Germany. We spent New Year's Eve in Salzburg, Austria! Those were some of the special places we got to visit. But more special than those places were the people. The bond I formed with my O-Tones sisters was so strong. As you can imagine, we spent a lot of time together, so you better learn to love one another. It wasn't difficult. Those girls were so easy to love and will always be very special to me. There were some that didn't get to come yesterday, but those that were there, it was as if no time had gone by (even though it has been over 20 years!). We sang a song we had all sung as O-Tones, and seeing our beloved director, Mrs. Mary Shambarger, was priceless. She still insisted we wear our ruby red lipstick and sparkle! I got to see and visit with Denise and Shelley, my two famous friends (Point of Grace!) who have not changed at all. They are still so beautiful and beautifully talented. Shelley is just as funny as ever, and Denise still has the sweetest spirit. It was so good to visit with them and hear them perform, and it was so good to visit with my other O-Tones sisters and perform with them. It was just a great afternoon and evening.
Now where am I going with this? Well, I just want to use it as a reminder that sometimes we are able to see people we love again….but sometimes we are not. Point of Grace is partnering with the American Bible Society to provide Bibles for soldiers on the front lines overseas. They showed a video of kids being surprised by their dads who had returned from duty. The whole time I watched those precious faces reacting to seeing their dads, I was thinking of Nate and Allie. Especially Allie, because she was sitting on the other side of my dad. My heart broke thinking she would never get to experience that in her lifetime. She will never be surprised by her dad walking through the door unexpectedly. We talked about it afterwards, and she said she almost cried. She said she was imagining what it would be like to see her dad surprise her like that. So, while it was so good to see old friends and enjoy a show, it did bring up some heartache. We will never see Brad again on this earth. However, I know with 100% certainty that we will see him again one day. Take our situation and learn from it: hug your kids, love your kids, spend time with your kids. Tell your husband or your wife how much they mean to you. Write a letter to leave your family in case the unthinkable happens. No one wants to talk about it, but it is going to happen at some point. None of us will live forever on this earth! I cannot tell you how much I long to read something from Brad. I found a few birthday/Mother's Day/anniversary cards he gave me over the years, and I read them often. Cherish each moment with those you love as if it would be the last. I don't know if I'll get to see my O-Tones sisters in this life again, so I am so grateful for yesterday's opportunity! We aren't guaranteed tomorrow, so be sure to live for today.
Some of my O-Tones sisters from 1986-1989. From left to right: Melanie, Jackie, Leigh Anna, Denise, Amy, Cathy & Cathryn.
Yesterday was such a fun day for me! I got to return to my alma mater, Ouachita Baptist University, to sing with a very special group of ladies, The Ouachi-Tones. If you went to OBU, then you probably know what I'm talking about. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, I was in an all-girls singing group named the Ouachi-Tones. We sang all over the state, nation and even Europe while I was a member! We had an annual concert in January, so we had to return to campus early every year to practice for our show. We sang, danced, even did some commercial parodies. (Remember the Bartles & Jaymes guys? How about GE Bringing Good Things To Life….the Energizer bunny...oh, you had to be there!) We toured all over Arkansas, from Monticello to Bentonville and towns in between….so there were some long van rides. On one particular trip home, we made up a rap (yes, a rap!) that we ended up performing at our concert. Would you believe I still know it after all these years? Some of our more memorable trips were to New York City, where we sang at the United Nations building, St. Louis, and Oklahoma (where Denise's grandfather entertained us by hypnotizing my roommate - she truly believed she had just won Miss America!). We sang in a beautiful cathedral in Austria, in the balcony with no heat, and a Baptist church in Germany. We spent New Year's Eve in Salzburg, Austria! Those were some of the special places we got to visit. But more special than those places were the people. The bond I formed with my O-Tones sisters was so strong. As you can imagine, we spent a lot of time together, so you better learn to love one another. It wasn't difficult. Those girls were so easy to love and will always be very special to me. There were some that didn't get to come yesterday, but those that were there, it was as if no time had gone by (even though it has been over 20 years!). We sang a song we had all sung as O-Tones, and seeing our beloved director, Mrs. Mary Shambarger, was priceless. She still insisted we wear our ruby red lipstick and sparkle! I got to see and visit with Denise and Shelley, my two famous friends (Point of Grace!) who have not changed at all. They are still so beautiful and beautifully talented. Shelley is just as funny as ever, and Denise still has the sweetest spirit. It was so good to visit with them and hear them perform, and it was so good to visit with my other O-Tones sisters and perform with them. It was just a great afternoon and evening.
Now where am I going with this? Well, I just want to use it as a reminder that sometimes we are able to see people we love again….but sometimes we are not. Point of Grace is partnering with the American Bible Society to provide Bibles for soldiers on the front lines overseas. They showed a video of kids being surprised by their dads who had returned from duty. The whole time I watched those precious faces reacting to seeing their dads, I was thinking of Nate and Allie. Especially Allie, because she was sitting on the other side of my dad. My heart broke thinking she would never get to experience that in her lifetime. She will never be surprised by her dad walking through the door unexpectedly. We talked about it afterwards, and she said she almost cried. She said she was imagining what it would be like to see her dad surprise her like that. So, while it was so good to see old friends and enjoy a show, it did bring up some heartache. We will never see Brad again on this earth. However, I know with 100% certainty that we will see him again one day. Take our situation and learn from it: hug your kids, love your kids, spend time with your kids. Tell your husband or your wife how much they mean to you. Write a letter to leave your family in case the unthinkable happens. No one wants to talk about it, but it is going to happen at some point. None of us will live forever on this earth! I cannot tell you how much I long to read something from Brad. I found a few birthday/Mother's Day/anniversary cards he gave me over the years, and I read them often. Cherish each moment with those you love as if it would be the last. I don't know if I'll get to see my O-Tones sisters in this life again, so I am so grateful for yesterday's opportunity! We aren't guaranteed tomorrow, so be sure to live for today.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Saturday Morning
Saturday mornings were Brad's "project days." He always had something going on. It could be something as typical as yard work, or maybe it was installing cable in the kitchen so we could have a tv in there. He might've painted, or patched holes in the wall, put up a tile backsplash or installed new light fixtures…one year he built a storage room in our garage! He was so 'handy.' He also loved to go all out decorating for holidays. Now, on this Saturday morning, I am wondering where in the world I am going to find someone to help get the Christmas tree out of the attic, help hang the outside wreaths, someone to replace the outside flood lights, etc…
I don't want to have to depend on other people. It's hard to ask for help. Friends offer to help, but I don't want to bother anyone. I don't want anyone to have to go out of their way. I am a 'people pleaser' and I want to do things for others, not have others do things for me. That may sound silly to some, to not want to ask for help, but I have found asking for help to be one of the hardest thigs to do. Maybe it's because Brad always did everything. We hardly ever had to hire anyone to do anything. That's not to say it would'nt have been a bad idea to do so. One time, he installed new light fixtures in the upstairs bathroom. He had done that countless times before, but for some reason, this task was a little bit more difficult. He 'thought' he had done everything correctly….then, when he turned the breaker back on, sparks starting flying everywhere and I was trapped in the back part of the bathroom with a paintbrush in my hand! I was screaming at him to turn it off, but he was all the way outside and couldn't hear me! I think Nate learned really quickly when mom yells in a certain tone, he better come running! Crisis averted, no fire. But we had a good laugh about it afterwards.
This morning, I just got back from taking Nate to his basketball game. I am so proud of the young man he is becoming. We joke around that he is "Little Brad." He is so much like his dad. It breaks my heart that he doesn't have his dad to watch him from the stands, or take him out to give him some pointers on shooting, or just to talk to. He is at that pivotal age that he needs his dad to answer questions about sports, about "guy stuff" and about life. It is again I am reminded of those 3 words from Ecclesiastes: "quit asking questions." How I wish it were that simple. I try. I tell myself there is a greater picture. My heart knows God has a better plan. I know all of God's words to be true. I know He has a better plan. I know it was Brad's time. I trust God completely. That doesn't change the fact that I miss Brad. I just miss him so much.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Since it took me so long to get started on this, I have a lot of catching up to do! I'll be adding some of my previous writings as I can. I'm starting with this one, the first one I wrote early Tuesday morning following the Saturday Brad left for Heaven. I wrote it in one sitting, with no changes! This was printed as an insert in Brad's memorial service program.
"Jennifer's Reflections"
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
On Saturday, April 24, 2010, my life was changed forever. I lost my best friend, the love of my life, the person I thought I would grow old with. In just moments, God swept him up and placed him in His presence. While I can't understand it now, for whatever reason, God needed Brad to leave this earth - a place that knows pain, grief, sorrow, stress, illness and hardships - and take him to place that none of us can even imagine. I know without a doubt that Brad is sitting at the banquet table with Jesus. Someone told me they saw Brad running on Friday, and she said "who would've known he was running his final race to a better place." So true....I know he is now running on streets of gold. I've been trying to wrap my mind around this situation, and the only thing that keeps coming to me over and over is that God is Sovereign and His plan is perfect. It was part of His divine plan that Brad be taken when and where he was. I don't have to understand it, I only have to trust that God has prepared me for a time such as this. God has reminded me through the years that HE is enough. Enough for whatever I need. And He was, He is and He always will be. I have a choice of how I continue my life. I can choose to live in sorrow and sadness, or I can choose to move forward and be grateful for all the gifts God has blessed me with through the years with Brad. I choose to be grateful.
In the past few months, when life was not where Brad and I thought it would be, when things seemed hard, I kept repeating that it was ok - I still had my children, their health - and a loving, faithful, healthy husband. That was all that mattered to me. I woke up every morning to find Brad sitting in our favorite chair reading his Bible. I think that will be one of my most favorite memories of him.
Brad and I always said that while our life together was not always easy, neither of us would change a thing. Our marriage was never perfect, and there were some bumpy roads, but we had always made a commitment to put God in the center. Because of that commitment, our marriage grew stronger each day. Brad was an example of what a man after God's own heart should be. He always put his family first - but only after seeking God's direction. Brad was an incredible father, husband, son, brother and friend to many. I'll never understand why he had to leave us so early, but I cherish the fact that I was privileged to be his wife and the mother of his children. I know this goodbye is only temporary, that one day I will be reunited with him....and what a sweet day that will be. Until then, I take the responsibility that God has given me to raise our children to know and love God as much as he did and I do. It is only through God's grace and mercy that I can face each day to come.
Through the years, Brad and I have been blessed with a number of incredible friends. These past few days have been made easier for me by the outpouring of love from them. I know Brad would be humbled as much as I am by the love and care our family and friends have been showing me and our children. This is what life is about - relationships. Its not things, money or power. It is my prayer that Brad's death -and life - remind us all of this.
In the past few months, when life was not where Brad and I thought it would be, when things seemed hard, I kept repeating that it was ok - I still had my children, their health - and a loving, faithful, healthy husband. That was all that mattered to me. I woke up every morning to find Brad sitting in our favorite chair reading his Bible. I think that will be one of my most favorite memories of him.
Brad and I always said that while our life together was not always easy, neither of us would change a thing. Our marriage was never perfect, and there were some bumpy roads, but we had always made a commitment to put God in the center. Because of that commitment, our marriage grew stronger each day. Brad was an example of what a man after God's own heart should be. He always put his family first - but only after seeking God's direction. Brad was an incredible father, husband, son, brother and friend to many. I'll never understand why he had to leave us so early, but I cherish the fact that I was privileged to be his wife and the mother of his children. I know this goodbye is only temporary, that one day I will be reunited with him....and what a sweet day that will be. Until then, I take the responsibility that God has given me to raise our children to know and love God as much as he did and I do. It is only through God's grace and mercy that I can face each day to come.
Through the years, Brad and I have been blessed with a number of incredible friends. These past few days have been made easier for me by the outpouring of love from them. I know Brad would be humbled as much as I am by the love and care our family and friends have been showing me and our children. This is what life is about - relationships. Its not things, money or power. It is my prayer that Brad's death -and life - remind us all of this.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil. 4:13
This verse has become our "family" verse. We all find great comfort in it. I found out yesterday about yet another young woman who was widowed with young children. This makes SIX young widows I have crossed paths with this past 19 months. These are women who I've met personally or who are friends of friends/family. Increase that number by at least 4 the women I know personally who have lost their husbands, but their children are grown. All of these women have experienced one of the most difficult things in life. (I say 'one' of the most difficult things, as I've also met others who have lost a child….something I can't even begin to identify with.) This is where the above verse comes in.
When Brad died, God stepped in and did some amazing things. When I look back over those first few days, God was literally holding me up. I was in shock, yet I was making decisions regarding funeral arragements, planning a memorial service, caring for a child with a stomach virus, listening as tornado sirens were blaring continually, talking to the organ donor representative and having a house full of people. You CAN do anything through Christ, because He WILL give you a strength to take on whatever challenge you may face. When I tell my story to others, as I recount those first dark days, I marvel at how God carried me through. I remember people telling me "you are so strong." I was quick to reply that I am only as strong as God makes me. It truly is a strength that comes only from God.
If you were to have told me on that Friday before, that the next day Brad would collapse and die from a heart attack, I would've been a heap on the floor. This goes back to that verse in Ecclesiastes…"he's left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he's coming or going…" He is in control, and if we knew what He had planned - can you imagine what kind of chaos that would bring? God is not a God of chaos. He has planned everything. Jeremiah 1:5 states "Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you. Before you saw the light of day, I had holy plans for you: A prophet to the nations— that's what I had in mind for you."
I was blessed with a peace the night Brad died. I knew in my heart that it was part of God's plan, and I knew in my heart I would use it to God's glory. Thinking back to the last couple of years of Brad's life, I saw God preparing him. Every morning, he would be up first thing, reading his Bible. I had no idea at the time that God was preparing him for Heaven, but I recognize it as a gift that God gave me: the gift of a husband that was a man after God's own heart.
This is why I feel it is a time to write. Let me be quick to add: I DO NOT LIKE IT! I wish that I was not having to write about this experience. But there are so many hurting people. Death, illness, hardships….no one is immune. I feel this is part of my purpose, to help give encouragement. To show others that the unimaginable circumstances can be faced - and dealt with. Trust God. Spend time with Him. He is in control, and He will give you the strength to get through whatever trial you are in.
This verse has become our "family" verse. We all find great comfort in it. I found out yesterday about yet another young woman who was widowed with young children. This makes SIX young widows I have crossed paths with this past 19 months. These are women who I've met personally or who are friends of friends/family. Increase that number by at least 4 the women I know personally who have lost their husbands, but their children are grown. All of these women have experienced one of the most difficult things in life. (I say 'one' of the most difficult things, as I've also met others who have lost a child….something I can't even begin to identify with.) This is where the above verse comes in.
When Brad died, God stepped in and did some amazing things. When I look back over those first few days, God was literally holding me up. I was in shock, yet I was making decisions regarding funeral arragements, planning a memorial service, caring for a child with a stomach virus, listening as tornado sirens were blaring continually, talking to the organ donor representative and having a house full of people. You CAN do anything through Christ, because He WILL give you a strength to take on whatever challenge you may face. When I tell my story to others, as I recount those first dark days, I marvel at how God carried me through. I remember people telling me "you are so strong." I was quick to reply that I am only as strong as God makes me. It truly is a strength that comes only from God.
If you were to have told me on that Friday before, that the next day Brad would collapse and die from a heart attack, I would've been a heap on the floor. This goes back to that verse in Ecclesiastes…"he's left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he's coming or going…" He is in control, and if we knew what He had planned - can you imagine what kind of chaos that would bring? God is not a God of chaos. He has planned everything. Jeremiah 1:5 states "Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you. Before you saw the light of day, I had holy plans for you: A prophet to the nations— that's what I had in mind for you."
I was blessed with a peace the night Brad died. I knew in my heart that it was part of God's plan, and I knew in my heart I would use it to God's glory. Thinking back to the last couple of years of Brad's life, I saw God preparing him. Every morning, he would be up first thing, reading his Bible. I had no idea at the time that God was preparing him for Heaven, but I recognize it as a gift that God gave me: the gift of a husband that was a man after God's own heart.
This is why I feel it is a time to write. Let me be quick to add: I DO NOT LIKE IT! I wish that I was not having to write about this experience. But there are so many hurting people. Death, illness, hardships….no one is immune. I feel this is part of my purpose, to help give encouragement. To show others that the unimaginable circumstances can be faced - and dealt with. Trust God. Spend time with Him. He is in control, and He will give you the strength to get through whatever trial you are in.
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