Thursday, August 23, 2012

EPIC meltdown….enter GOD

So, I had the meltdowns of all meltdowns this morning….

     I have been doing really well - I guess too well. I thought I had this grief thing all figured out, but every now and then it reminds me it is completely out of my control. When I have these "epic" meltdowns, I cry and get angry and want to throw things. Beth Moore immediately comes to mind. Why her? I just remember her saying on several occasions that she was always so perplexed why God would use someone like her to minister to others. She always references her sinful nature. Well, I understand where she is coming from. By that, I mean that all of us are on this journey of life. In this journey, we have choices. I chose a long time ago to follow Christ, but that doesn't mean I do it perfectly. I am such a sinner - I'm selfish, I make poor choices, I am lazy, I don't rely on God like I should. There are so many other things that make me a sinner, but I won't go into those. We all have our "things" between ourselves and God. All that said, I too, wonder why God chose me to minister to others through my grief. I'm a positive person - a people pleaser - I would describe my personality as friendly, happy, always look on the bright side, etc…. It's when I'm alone that the dark side comes out. I don't mean dark side like evil or mean. I mean selfish, selfish, selfish. I get lazy and the first thing that gets pushed aside is God. I don't talk with Him or listen to Him or read His Word. Oh, I pray occasionally…when I've been asked to. I have numerous friends with such pressing needs and concerns. I tell them I will pray, and I do. That's where it stops, and this is where I finally make my point. I am quite certain my epic meltdown was a direct result of my selfishness and my lack of communication with God. I know it is part of the process of grief to have tears and down moments, but I've witnessed the difference between a grief-stricken moment and an "epic meltdown." The difference all lies within my relationship with God.  The closer to God, the more strength I have, the more clarity, I have, and the less selfishness I have.
     Where did all this come from? Oh, it's a good one. It started last week when the kids started back to school. I could feel a hollowness, a sadness, an aching that my kids were at another milestone without their dad. It was disguised as a grief for my children. Well, not really disguised, but was attributed to that. Deep down, I was grieving my loss as well. I didn't want to admit that. I was doing too well….I was in "up" mode. By the weekend, I could feel my body responding, then by the first of the week, my brain began overloading, and this morning - well, my heart just couldn't take it any more. Allie has had a couple of injuries and Nate and I have had a couple of "heated discussions" since school started. I finally cooked dinner for the first time in months Tuesday, and there is the empty chair at the table. I've had a few projects inside and outside that are weighing on me. These are some of those things that make Brad's absence glaring. (Bear with me, I'm getting to the meltdown.) Combine all these things (among other little ones not mentioned) and a meltdown of epic proportions is inevitable.
     The meltdown. I dropped the kids off at school, and decided I'd run to WalMart to grab some mulch and a few other things for one of my outdoor projects. I'm fine. I didn't give any thought to anything except my project. I checked out, my garden cart full. I got about halfway through the crosswalk, and I felt a shift in my cart. Sure enough, a few bags of mulch, a plant, and a bag of garden soil have fallen off the front of the cart and I was stuck. I calmly walked around, put the now-half-empty-of-soil plant back on the cart, shoved the mulch back on and dragged the rest to the curb. In that brief moment, weeks of tears are building, and my pity party is just about to begin. I started it by getting angry at the men around me who just looked at me and kept on walking. I had 3 thoughts - "I wouldn't be doing this if Brad were here!" "If Brad were here, he would be helping me!" and "How RUDE of these men to not offer to help me!"  How's that for some crazy thinking?? Then, an employee of WalMart finally came over to help. I can't say he was a knight in shining armor, but it was better than nothing. In the process, I hit my nose on the cart picking up something that fell. I got in the car, feeling the meltdown building. I got about half way home and the tears started. I was feeling so sorry for myself. I passed a friend who waved so friendly. I know I waved, but was it before or after wiping the tears? I pulled into the driveway and sat in the car sobbing for what seemed like forever. In that moment, a flood of memories - and not good ones - comes over me. I miss him. I hate having to do everything alone. I hate my kids don't have their dad. I re-live the night Brad died, I re-live the graveside service, seeing the casket, sitting at the memorial service. It really happened. It's like it JUST happened. He's really gone. That may not make sense to you if you have not lost someone so close to you. I think psychologically it is called "denial," but I just don't like that word. I KNOW he died. I KNOW he's gone and is not coming back. I'm not denying that fact, but when it builds and builds, after awhile it has to come out. I cried and yelled. I banged the steering wheel, stomped my feet and wondered where I could go to throw something. I wondered who I could call and cry to. No one - no one gets it. Everyone wants me to be ok. It's just easier to do it alone. I've said repeatedly I really haven't questioned God, but today I did. Why? I know there is a reason, but it just doesn't seem right! Why did God need Brad more than my kids and I did?? I wanted to just throw myself down on the ground and kick and scream like a toddler. Then, it stopped. I walked into my house and sat down at the computer. Enter GOD.
     I know I've mentioned Facebook before, and I know a lot of people don't use it or like it. But God definitely uses it! I logged in under Nate's page, and the first thing I saw was this:




Ok, God, you have my attention. I scrolled down a little and then there is this:


Yes, God….you are the only answer.  Pity party over.

Lastly, I moved over to my page, and I saw this:


Wow! What a visual. The very first thing I thought when I saw that was Brad. I just know he is one of those standing around me! Immediately, I feel comforted. Then, I am driven to write. So, here I am, well over an hour later, feeling much less sorry for myself. I'm feeling convicted that I'm not reading my Bible and I'm not nurturing my relationship with God like I should be, but in that same moment, I also feel very loved and forgiven….

….and life in this world goes on, but it is leading to life everlasting with Him.