All along, people have been saying "you're starting a new normal." It used to make me mad. Still does in a way, but I guess I'm trying to see if that is what my life is - a new normal. Obviously, my "new normal" has been "very busy," since I haven't posted in over 2 months. I've wanted to write on several occasions, but the motivation went away as quickly as it appeared.
Summer has been hot, hot, and hot. I just came in about 30 minutes ago from mowing as much as I could before it got completely dark (it's 10 p.m. as I begin writing.) I managed to get a little done, but not enough. Nate got invited to go out of town with a friend, and as much as I need him to help mow, I would rather he be with a friend who has a great dad. There is no reason I can't get my lazy booty out and do yard work. It just is so hot! In hindsight, I don't think I would buy the same house again. This yard is nearing the point of being unmanageable…..and being married to Brad for 19 years, you don't hire someone to do something you can do yourself. I still look at a lot of things from his perspective. We truly had become "one" when we married. The person I am today was shaped so much from being married to Brad. Even better than that, I see so much of Brad in my children, especially Nate. He is his dad made over. Allie is pretty much a Jennifer, Jr., but I see Brad in her as well. They are both wonderfully unique - but both wonderfully part me/part Brad.
I've found myself in a circumstance the past few weeks that has really prompted me to push hard to move forward. I feel I've been moving forward all along, for if I hadn't been….well, I would still be in the bed. Minuscule movements forward, but forward nonetheless. However, the last few weeks has been different. I still cry, I still get sad, but those moments are fewer and farther between. I can't say with any certainty that it will continue at this pace. History has proven that feelings of forward movement have been followed by a "crash" or a "bottoming out." We shall see.
In the meantime, I'm enjoying the summer with my kids. Our time together is constantly interrupted by friends, activities, camps and my work, but we are having fun. In June, one of my friends and I decided to pack up and take our boys and a friend to the College World Series in Omaha. It was so much fun! The boys had a great time. We ended up staying at the team hotel, so the boys got to meet nearly all of the team and get a baseball signed by them. I received an email the other day that a signed baseball was on auction with a starting bid of $250.00. It ended yesterday and I don't know how much it sold for, but the first day it was already up to $300.00. What a treasure they have! Allie went to Brookhill in June, and I just picked them up from Family Farm Thursday. Nate was a Junior Counselor and Allie a camper. Since Nate is gone, Allie and I have been hanging out in between her playing with friends. This morning, she decided she would make us both orange juice smoothies for the first time (which were yummy!) and homemade oatmeal cookies! I'm glad the oven is being used for something…I digress.
Back to moving forward. I posted an email I received today on Facebook about moving on. This is what it read:
"What It Means to Move On
Day 253, Grief Share
Moving on does not mean . . .
• you forget the person.
• you never feel the pain of your loss.
• you believe that life is fair.
Moving on does mean . . .
• you experience a lessening of the pain.
• you can treasure your best memories of the person who has died.
• you can realistically accept the different aspects of your loss.
• you can form new relationships, try new things.
Moving on also means . . .
• you grow in grace and in your walk with God.
• you accept your loss and forgive others.
• you understand that both joy and loss are a part of life.
• you believe that God is good, even when life isn't.
"I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete" (John 15:11).
Holy God, sometimes moving on seems impossible. Continue to remind me that I cannot move on through my own strength, but only through an extension of Yours. Amen."
It really spoke to me. I think because it just was so "to the point." Maybe I need to start writing some in "bullet points." Ha ha. Anyway, the first three are biggies…I will NEVER forget Brad, I will ALWAYS feel the pain of my loss, and I don't think I will ever think life is fair. All that said, I can say I have begun to move forward. There is a lessening of the pain. I have to use the word "minuscule" as used previously, but truthfully it has lessened. I treasure memories of Brad. Always have, always will. I don't know that I've accepted all the different aspects of my loss - there are so many - but it is a work in progress. I think I'm ready to form new relationships and try new things. Most importantly, I'm growing in my walk with God and I believe God is good, even when life isn't. This last thing is what I hope others can learn from my tragedy. GOD IS GOOD, EVEN WHEN LIFE ISN'T! (and yes, I'm shouting!)
I can tell I've not written in awhile as my writing is choppy, there is not a clear subject, and I'm all over the place. Right now, I don't care….at some point, though, I know I will. I still feel a little nudging from God that He wants me to write. I'm also feeling a little tap on the shoulder that I'm not praying enough for direction and what He wants me to write about. *smile*
In the meantime, I will continue with creating my "new normal." Bleh. Still really not a fan of that phrase. Seriously, was my life really normal before? I had an incredible husband, awesome kids, a good job, a home, great friends and family. I just don't see how the absence of an incredible husband (and father to my kids) justifies calling my life "normal." New or not. I like to look at it that I am just living the life God gave me. It's a different life - a changed life. I think I've said this before, but definitely worth saying again. My life has changed. My God has not!
