These past two weeks have been very testing. Between things at school, work, home life and the IRS, I am pretty much toast. Burnt toast. Oh, don't get me wrong, God has been with me every day, giving me the strength to do what needs to be done. However, between the anniversary of Brad's Heavenly Birthday and our upcoming wedding anniversary, my thoughts have been pretty much consumed with his absence and how much I miss him. Throughout the course of this path God gave me, I've had some well-meaning friends tell me, "It's been a year, you should move on" or "It's been two years, it's time to move on." I wish it were that easy. Just this morning, I woke up around 6:00, realizing I was sleeping on Brad's side of the bed, but not because he was up already working on some project or reading the Bible. He's gone. I could do nothing but cry. I cried myself back to sleep, mourning the loss of our usual Saturday morning routine. What people don't understand is, there are memories everywhere. Even simple things like which side of the bed I'm sleeping on. Yesterday, the kids and I went to the Heights to run an errand, and we passed a little cafe that Brad and I ate at on Saturday mornings when the kids were at grandparents'. Sadness. Heartache. Nate has begun to really like country music (one of the many things that Brad did, too.) Occasionally, I'll let him put the radio on a country station. In the hour we were in the car, two songs came on that almost had me in tears. One was "If Tomorrow Never Comes" by Garth Brooks, and the other I think was called "Remember When." Both songs immediately made me think of Brad and I had to change the station. I truly am trying my best to move forward, but it is so incredibly hard. I spent 22 years of my life with Brad. So much of who I am is connected to him. Time has helped, but his absence is very pervasive every day.
So when I say that I am toast…I'm literally physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I'm running on auto-pilot. (which I guess could be considered God!) The stress of every day life - bills, house issues, raising a pre-teen and a teen alone…has just become too much. God is seeing me through, as He has all this time, but I have decided I need a break. So, next week, I am treating myself to a few nights away for some pampering and relaxation. My wonderful sister-in-law and mother-in-law are coming to keep the kids. It's funny, usually the kids fuss about me going somewhere….they've not complained or griped - I think they also recognize how desperately I need to get away! ha!
I'm too positive to let this post end on a negative note, so I have to close with the most amazing thing that happened to the three of us on "Dad's Day," the day he went to be with Jesus, and we spend time as a family celebrating his time in our lives and that he is with Jesus. We thought climbing Pinnacle Mountain would be fun. It was fun, but it wasn't easy! Before Brad died, I was fit as a fiddle. I exercised regularly, and maintained a healthy weight. Since his death, I've obviously found comfort in food and my bed. I'm trying to change, but it is not coming easily. Anyway, the climb up proved to be a little difficult for me. It was sunny and rather warm, and after several minutes in the hot sunshine, I found a shady spot to take a little break. The kids were very patient with me and let me rest, then Nate asked if I wanted to go back down. "Nope!" I said as I hopped up. "We press on towards the goal…..I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" That second verse has become our "family" verse. So, as soon as the words came out of my mouth, I took one step, and started to take another, when I froze. "Oh my gosh!" The kids were freaking out thinking I had seen a snake or something by the tone in my voice. "Look!" We looked at the stone I was getting ready to step on, and someone had written in ink "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I get goosebumps just writing it! We were all amazed, and are STILL amazed at God's message so plainly for us to see. We talked about it as we climbed, then again when we reached the top. The top was so beautiful and peaceful, and such a reminder of how magnificent God's creation is. As we were heading down, I told the kids I wished I had taken a picture of that stone! Duh! So I asked them to remind me to take a picture on our way down. We couldn't find it. Maybe we overlooked it, but we could not find it. We all agreed it was God's plan for me to rest at that exact spot, for me to look down at that exact rock on our way up the mountain, for it to be that exact verse right after I quoted it….regardless if we overlooked it, it was definitely God giving us a "God Wink" that He was with us, and He was going to give us the strength we need to carry on. What an awesome God we serve.
