Monday, March 26, 2012

Things Brad Liked

As I was lying in bed trying desparately to go to sleep last night, thoughts of Brad just kept running through my mind. For some reason, I started thinking of things that reminded me of him. So, I've been anxiously waiting to sit down and write a few things Brad liked. I have so many wonderful memories, and I share a lot of them with the kids, but I thought sitting down and actually writing about them would be something they would really treasure some day.
Before I start about Brad, I want to share something that has been on my heart for a long time.  I often wish that I would stumble upon a letter that he wrote me if anything ever happened. He never wanted to talk about death, dying, wills, etc…so we never really had "that" discussion. I have run across a few old cards from birthdays and Mother's Day. Typically, I'm a pack rat and keep everything. I had decided to start "de-cluttering" and threw away some cards, just keeping a few. Ugh! But, at least I do have those. I treasure them and read them often…..just to remember what it felt like to be loved, to love, to be in love….of course I will love him til the day I die, but I am trying to move forward. I take one step forward, then 2 back. God lifts me up when I stumble and fall back too far, and gives me a little nudge urging me to keep going.
I'm realizing I've completely gotten off track of my initial thought!
Back to what's on my heart: Oddly enough, just about a month before Brad died, I sent myself an email.  I had about a 20 minute commute to work, and on the way to work I would have lots of time to think. I thought of a lot of things. I thought about Brad, the kids, what I was going to attempt to cook for dinner, work, friends, prayers, life, and things on my to do list….you get the idea. Then, when I got to work, if there was something I wanted to remind myself about, I would send myself an email. 

Here is a copy of the email I sent myself on March 29, 2010:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Re:
From:
Jen <mooney9801@sbcglobal.net> 
View Contact
To:Jen <mooney9801@sbcglobal.net>

Letter to kids


Jennifer
Sent from my iPhone

On Mar 29, 2010, at 9:18 AM, Jen <mooney9801@sbcglobal.net> wrote:

Blower
Power wash garage
Wash garage windows
Pharmacy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 (Yes, I still have some old emails. Save the judgmental comments.) Notice the every day to-do list on the bottom, but then I had thought of another one. "Letter to kids." By that, I meant, sit down and write a letter to my kids in case anything ever happened to me. Oh, how I wish I had sent that email to Brad, too!! How I wish I had one from him to me and to our children. If you are lucky enough to still have your spouse and/or children, go write them a letter and put it in a secret place. You never know what tomorrow holds, and those of us left behind cling to memories and feelings…how wonderful it would be to recieve such a gift. I know he showed them how much he loved them while he was here. They know he loved them…but to have something so personal…write a letter, people!!
WRITE A LETTER!
And….back to where I began (I obviously get distracted easily! Sorry!) About an hour has passed since I started writing this, and I'm ready for bed. Nights are so hard. So, I will start a list of "Things Brad Liked," and continue it as I am able…
1. Seinfeld. He had to watch it every night. He could name the episode 10 seconds in. He could quote lines, tell you what's coming up, point out things that were wrong….I don't think he laughed at anything as hard as he laughed at some of those shows. (For our 15th wedding anniversary, I surprised him with a trip to Las Vegas to see Jerry Seinfeld….I'll expound on that later!)
2. Dave Matthews Band. We had a friend introduce us to his music by taking us to our first concert in Dallas. We were hooked. We started buying every cd - we put them on our ipods, and he played the cds constantly in the car. We went to 4 more concerts after that one! What I love most about what Brad loved about their music was the lyrics and how he would study them and try to interpret them. I'm sure some of you have never listened to thier music, but I would say most of his songs are about life and death, with a few love songs and fun songs thrown in. They are somewhat "ambiguous." I can't really think of another word to describe it. They make you wonder if he's talking about heaven? Or God? Or maybe a true story? Does he believe in God, or just tries to make you think he does? Anyway, a lot of time was spent by Brad trying to interpret the lyrics of the songs. There are so many that Brad loved to pick apart, but I know his favorite was "Bartender." Here are the lyrics:


"Bartender"


If I go
Before I'm old
Oh, brother of mine
Please don't forget me if I go

Bartender, please
Fill my glass for me
With the wine you gave Jesus that set him free
After three days in the ground

Oh, and if I die
Before my time
Oh, sweet sister of mine
Please don't regret me if I die

Bartender, please
Fill my glass for me
With the wine you gave Jesus that set him free
After three days in the ground

Bartender, please
Fill my glass for me
With the wine you gave Jesus that set him free
After three days in the ground

I'm on bended knees, I pray
Bartender, please

When I was young, I didn't think about it
Now I just can't get it off my mind

I'm on bended knees
Father, please

If all this gold
Should steal my soul away
Oh, dear mother of mine
Please redirect me if this gold...

Bartender, you see
The wine that's drinking me
Came from the vine that strung Judas from the Devil's tree
It's roots deep, deep in the ground

Bartender, you see
The wine that's drinking me
Came from the vine that strung Judas from the Devil's tree
It's roots deep, deep in the ground
In the ground...

I'm on bended knees
Oh, Bartender, please

I'm on bended knees
Father, please

When I was young, I didn't dream about it
Now I think about it all the time

I'm on bended knees
Oh, Bartender, please
Bartender, please



I'm sure after reading those lyrics that you will understand why Brad was convinced that the "Bartender" was God. I look at that song so differently now, though…because it talks about dying young…
I'll have to stop there with Dave for now. Obviously, I could write and write about Brad's love for his songs. I'll save it for it's own post.


Last one for the night…I'll continue this later as well.
3. Sunflower seeds. With baseball starting, I've been buying Nate sunflower seeds. Exactly what Brad used to eat. (Nate is becoming more and more like his dad in so many ways, but that's another entire post!) We would always have to stop and buy the little packages - 2 for $1 from a convenience store, because they would fit in his pocket. Not just any seeds would do, though. He loved Ranch and BBQ the most. He would turn his nose up to regular ones, and I would just roll my eyes. He would say "Why have plain sunflower seeds when you can have Ranch?!" 


I'm so thankful God brings these memories to me. They put a smile on my face. It's still very bittersweet, I still miss him so much, but the memories will always be with me. Allie broke my heart the other day when I asked her if she remembered much from our trip to Disney World. "No, not really." She remembers some things with the help of pictures, but she was only 4. It was the most wonderful family vacation…we had the most incredible time. I guess I need to email myself with "write about our Disney World trip" on my To-Do list.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Disclaimer: Major Vent

I just have to let off some steam. I can honestly say that anger has not been an emotion I've had to deal with…..until today. Today, I'm angry! I'm angry that I am having to raise my children alone. I'm angry I don't have anyone to talk to at the end of the day.  I'm angry I can't reach the air filters in my house. I'm angry that the trampoline I got the kids for Christmas is still sitting in my driveway!!  I'm just angry!!
First of all, just because something worked for your family does not mean it will work for mine. Every situation is different, and I do not want anyone to assume that they know what is best for my child. And don't think because it's been two years since Brad died that we aren't grieving anymore. We can't just "suck it up" and "deal with it." I'm 45 years old and I still hurt like I did 2 years ago. I'm sure my children feel the same. I cannot fathom what my kids are going through - they've lost the thing that made them feel most secure. Their 10 and 13 year old brains cannot process like an adults can. They look around at their friends who still have their dads and it makes them sad.  I do not expect Nate to be the man of the house. He's 13 year old. That's too young to have that kind of pressure placed on you. It's hard enough just being 13. He's already had his dad taken away from him. Don't take his childhood away, too.
Allie and I witnessed one of the most horrific things that no one should ever have to see. It was traumatic. If you have ever experienced a trauma, you know it doesn't ever really go away. It gets easier to deal with, but it never goes away. We are still adjusting to life without Brad, and sometimes it does feel like that people have forgotten. I'm doing the best that I can. It is so difficult to do it all.  Bills, grocery shopping, meals, taxes, doctor, dentist, orthodontist, and eye doctor visits, hearing tests, glasses, medicine, driving here and there, baseball, softball, practices, counseling, car maintenance, working outside the home, house and yard maintenance, helping with school work, being the only disciplinarian, on and on and on! The hardest thing is having to continually ask for help. It's even more frustrating when I ask for help and am told I will get it, only to never receive any. I don't want this to sound like a pity party. I just needed to vent. I know everyone has their own problems/issues. I'm stronger than I ever thought possible, but being a single mother in a situation like this is exhausting, heart wrenching and just plain SUCKS.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Random Thoughts

I've been wanting to write for awhile, I just haven't had a good topic. So, I thought "who needs a topic?" plenty of random thoughts run through my mind on a consistent basis, so why not jot them down.

1. Don't give a widow with young children a plant. I'm down to one, and it's just about gone. I've passed some to my mom and friends, but kept just a few. Now there's one, and I have not cared for it like I should. Don't get me wrong, the gesture is nice and very much appreciated....but I kill plants. Not on purpose. Gift cards are good. Food is good. Helping with my kids is good. Plants are not.
2. Allie has learned a lot of new vocabulary words. This week's word has been "insomnia.". Bless her heart, she is just struggling to go to sleep each night. She just sent me a text earlier that said "This insomnia is killing me!" I really hate that she knows the meaning of that word from experience.
3. I'm tired. I know, moms are tired. I'm physically tired, but emotionally tired as well. It's so hard to be the only adult. The good guy and the bad guy. The only reasonable mind in the house.
4. I really, really, really don't like to cook.
5. I am enjoying working again. I just love the little kiddos I work with. It's a great distraction.
6. Not a day goes by that something doesn't trigger a memory of Brad.
7. Some music just pierces my heart. Today I was brought to tears by these words: "And with your final heartbeat, kiss the world goodbye...." ugh. Get's me every time.
8. One day, some people will look back and think "Did I really say that to her? What was I thinking?!" Maybe. Maybe they won't. Some people will never understand.
9. I am a reality show/crime drama junkie. I currently have 25 episodes of Criminal Minds, 4 episodes of Survivor, 4 episodes of The Amazing Race and 6 episodes of The Mentalist to catch up on. I'm up to date on Biggest Loser, American Idol, The Voice, and CSI. Wow, that's sad.
10. It's been 22 months and 17 days since I have seen Brad. It STILL is so surreal.
11. God sends me new Bible verses on a regular basis. Well, not new....but new to my situation. He is so amazing. This is one He sent just a few days ago...

Ephesians 1:11
The Message (MSG)
 11-12It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.

I will end there with my random thoughts. I will do this again...I love randomness. ;-)

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Kiss it (him) good-bye...


Luke 14:33

The Message (MSG)
 33"Simply put, if you're not willing to take what is dearest to you, whether plans or people, and kiss it good-bye, you can't be my disciple."

God never ceases to amaze me. I know some people aren't "fans" of Facebook, but I absolutely love it. I don't post a whole lot, but I love to read friend's updates and see pictures. I've enjoyed re-connecting with old friends. It's helped me stay "social" even when I didn't feel like leaving the house. My most favorite thing, however, is when God sends me a fresh word from a friend. I know when I post a Bible verse, typically it is something that has spoken to me. The thing that amazes me is how God uses it to speak to others as well. A friend posted the above verse on his page a few days ago. I am sure I've heard this verse before, but I know not since Brad left this world. I immediately copied and pasted it to my status, along with the comment, "wow." Just wow! I've been mulling over those words for awhile, thinking about the last few weeks. God has really been speaking to me. I guess maybe I had slowed down long enough to hear Him? This journey has been so difficult, but God says in Jeremiah (MSG) "I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. 12"When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. 13-14"When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." (you may be more familiar with the NIV version: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.") 

Looking back at the verse from Luke, then contemplating the words from Jeremiah….well, God definitely has my attention. As I've written before, I grew up in the church. I accepted Jesus as my savior before I was a teenager. I went to a Baptist college (shhh…don't tell anyone I made a "C" in Old Testament! ha!). I went to church all the time. The point I'm trying to make is that it doesn't matter how long you've been a Christian. It doesn't matter how much you think you know Him. God is going to use your circumstances - both good and bad - to draw His people to Him. Sometimes it is for those who don't know Him at all. But sometimes, it's for those who "think" they know Him. If you had asked me before Brad's death if I knew God, my answer would be "Of course!" Ohhhh, how far from the truth that has been! God's purpose for us on this earth is to win souls for Christ. To prepare ourselves for eternity. Are you really ready for eternity? Let's re-visit that verse from Luke: "Simply put, if you're not willing to take what is dearest to you, whether plans or people, and kiss it good-bye, you can't be my disciple." "Simply put"….. simple. Easy. No hesitation. "What is dearest to you"…..your husband, your children, your family, friends, perhaps your home or even money. What do you think you just absolutely cannot live without? What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear "what is dearest to you?" Now here's the kicker. The words no one really want to read. A situation we really don't want to find ourselves in. Be ready to say goodbye to what matters most to you in this world, because it can be taken away in a moment. Whatever "it" is cannot be put ahead of God and His plan for us to be His disciples. I would have never said "Sure, Lord, I can kiss my husband good-bye forever so I can be your disciple." Read that again. No one wants to be willing to lose what is most dear to them. Yet that is what God wants. He wants to be first in your life. He wants to be what is most dear to you. He wants you to be His disciple, but you can't do that if you aren't willing to let something go that you think you never could.  
Before Brad died, I thought I had a good relationship with God. That could not be further than the truth. Oh, I read scripture and went to church and Bible studies…but can I say I was willing to give up what was most dear to me? No! Could I really, truly say I was "serious about finding me and want it more than anything else?" Honestly, no. Yet here I am nearly 2 years after kissing my husband of nearly 19 years good-bye. I'm still here. I've made it this far. I'm becoming God's disciple. Now I can say I'm willing to give up anything for Him. Do I think it is easy? Do I think it would be easy if I had to kiss something or even someone else good-bye? Of course not! But God has been teaching me over these past painful months that He is making me His disciple. The night Brad died, I told my pastor that I had a peace about the whole situation. That didn't mean an acceptance. I didn't really want to accept that God had taken Brad away from so soon. But I had peace. I don't believe God is chaotic. I don't believe He started that Saturday thinking "I think I'll bring Brad home today." No. He already knew that was part of His plan. Ponder the words from David: "all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." God has a plan. Before we were even born, He had a plan for us. Our plans are not His! Jeremiah speaks of this as well: "Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you. Before you saw the light of day, I had holy plans for you: A prophet to the nations— that's what I had in mind for you." When we think of prophet, we might think of Biblical prophets, or the gift of prophecy. However, the word prophet is derived from the Greek language. When translated, it means "to speak." So, essentially, we are all God's prophets! He wants us to speak about Him! I have felt from the very beginning that God wanted me to speak about Him during this journey. A journey I would have never chosen, but now see as part of God's purpose for my life. Now before anyone thinks I "have it all together," don't be fooled! Every day is a struggle! But every day, I wake up thankful that I serve a God of love, comfort and peace. A God who provides me with all I need. A God that I am willing to let go of anything for. I'm still a work in progress, though. 

Sometimes I wish God would send me an email, or a note drifted down from heaven…telling me my exact purpose, or telling me His reasoning for some of the things He does. Ha! Wouldn't we all love that! But, we have His Word, which tells us so much. While studying His word this morning, I came across this verse in Jeremiah 45: "But God says, 'Look around. What I've built I'm about to wreck, and what I've planted I'm about to rip up. And I'm doing it everywhere—all over the whole earth! So forget about making any big plans for yourself. Things are going to get worse before they get better. But don't worry. I'll keep you alive through the whole business.'" Add to that, the last words from the verse Isaiah: "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed."


There's my note drifted down from Heaven. It just took me awhile to find it.