Things Brad Liked

As I was lying in bed trying desparately to go to sleep last night, thoughts of Brad just kept running through my mind. For some reason, I started thinking of things that reminded me of him. So, I've been anxiously waiting to sit down and write a few things Brad liked. I have so many wonderful memories, and I share a lot of them with the kids, but I thought sitting down and actually writing about them would be something they would really treasure some day.
Before I start about Brad, I want to share something that has been on my heart for a long time.  I often wish that I would stumble upon a letter that he wrote me if anything ever happened. He never wanted to talk about death, dying, wills, etc…so we never really had "that" discussion. I have run across a few old cards from birthdays and Mother's Day. Typically, I'm a pack rat and keep everything. I had decided to start "de-cluttering" and threw away some cards, just keeping a few. Ugh! But, at least I do have those. I treasure them and read them often…..just to remember what it felt like to be loved, to love, to be in love….of course I will love him til the day I die, but I am trying to move forward. I take one step forward, then 2 back. God lifts me up when I stumble and fall back too far, and gives me a little nudge urging me to keep going.
I'm realizing I've completely gotten off track of my initial thought!
Back to what's on my heart: Oddly enough, just about a month before Brad died, I sent myself an email.  I had about a 20 minute commute to work, and on the way to work I would have lots of time to think. I thought of a lot of things. I thought about Brad, the kids, what I was going to attempt to cook for dinner, work, friends, prayers, life, and things on my to do list….you get the idea. Then, when I got to work, if there was something I wanted to remind myself about, I would send myself an email. 

Here is a copy of the email I sent myself on March 29, 2010:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Re:

From:	Jen <mooney9801@sbcglobal.net>  View Contact
To:	Jen <mooney9801@sbcglobal.net>

---

Letter to kids


Jennifer
Sent from my iPhone

On Mar 29, 2010, at 9:18 AM, Jen <mooney9801@sbcglobal.net> wrote:

Blower
Power wash garage
Wash garage windows
Pharmacy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 (Yes, I still have some old emails. Save the judgmental comments.) Notice the every day to-do list on the bottom, but then I had thought of another one. "Letter to kids." By that, I meant, sit down and write a letter to my kids in case anything ever happened to me. Oh, how I wish I had sent that email to Brad, too!! How I wish I had one from him to me and to our children. If you are lucky enough to still have your spouse and/or children, go write them a letter and put it in a secret place. You never know what tomorrow holds, and those of us left behind cling to memories and feelings…how wonderful it would be to recieve such a gift. I know he showed them how much he loved them while he was here. They know he loved them…but to have something so personal…write a letter, people!!

WRITE A LETTER!

And….back to where I began (I obviously get distracted easily! Sorry!) About an hour has passed since I started writing this, and I'm ready for bed. Nights are so hard. So, I will start a list of "Things Brad Liked," and continue it as I am able…

1. Seinfeld. He had to watch it every night. He could name the episode 10 seconds in. He could quote lines, tell you what's coming up, point out things that were wrong….I don't think he laughed at anything as hard as he laughed at some of those shows. (For our 15th wedding anniversary, I surprised him with a trip to Las Vegas to see Jerry Seinfeld….I'll expound on that later!)

2. Dave Matthews Band. We had a friend introduce us to his music by taking us to our first concert in Dallas. We were hooked. We started buying every cd - we put them on our ipods, and he played the cds constantly in the car. We went to 4 more concerts after that one! What I love most about what Brad loved about their music was the lyrics and how he would study them and try to interpret them. I'm sure some of you have never listened to thier music, but I would say most of his songs are about life and death, with a few love songs and fun songs thrown in. They are somewhat "ambiguous." I can't really think of another word to describe it. They make you wonder if he's talking about heaven? Or God? Or maybe a true story? Does he believe in God, or just tries to make you think he does? Anyway, a lot of time was spent by Brad trying to interpret the lyrics of the songs. There are so many that Brad loved to pick apart, but I know his favorite was "Bartender." Here are the lyrics:


"Bartender"


If I go
Before I'm old
Oh, brother of mine
Please don't forget me if I go

Bartender, please
Fill my glass for me
With the wine you gave Jesus that set him free
After three days in the ground

Oh, and if I die
Before my time
Oh, sweet sister of mine
Please don't regret me if I die

Bartender, please
Fill my glass for me
With the wine you gave Jesus that set him free
After three days in the ground

Bartender, please
Fill my glass for me
With the wine you gave Jesus that set him free
After three days in the ground

I'm on bended knees, I pray
Bartender, please

When I was young, I didn't think about it
Now I just can't get it off my mind

I'm on bended knees
Father, please

If all this gold
Should steal my soul away
Oh, dear mother of mine
Please redirect me if this gold...

Bartender, you see
The wine that's drinking me
Came from the vine that strung Judas from the Devil's tree
It's roots deep, deep in the ground

Bartender, you see
The wine that's drinking me
Came from the vine that strung Judas from the Devil's tree
It's roots deep, deep in the ground
In the ground...

I'm on bended knees
Oh, Bartender, please

I'm on bended knees
Father, please

When I was young, I didn't dream about it
Now I think about it all the time

I'm on bended knees
Oh, Bartender, please
Bartender, please

I'm sure after reading those lyrics that you will understand why Brad was convinced that the "Bartender" was God. I look at that song so differently now, though…because it talks about dying young…
I'll have to stop there with Dave for now. Obviously, I could write and write about Brad's love for his songs. I'll save it for it's own post.


Last one for the night…I'll continue this later as well.
3. Sunflower seeds. With baseball starting, I've been buying Nate sunflower seeds. Exactly what Brad used to eat. (Nate is becoming more and more like his dad in so many ways, but that's another entire post!) We would always have to stop and buy the little packages - 2 for $1 from a convenience store, because they would fit in his pocket. Not just any seeds would do, though. He loved Ranch and BBQ the most. He would turn his nose up to regular ones, and I would just roll my eyes. He would say "Why have plain sunflower seeds when you can have Ranch?!" 


I'm so thankful God brings these memories to me. They put a smile on my face. It's still very bittersweet, I still miss him so much, but the memories will always be with me. Allie broke my heart the other day when I asked her if she remembered much from our trip to Disney World. "No, not really." She remembers some things with the help of pictures, but she was only 4. It was the most wonderful family vacation…we had the most incredible time. I guess I need to email myself with "write about our Disney World trip" on my To-Do list.