I just have to let off some steam. I can honestly say that anger has not been an emotion I've had to deal with…..until today. Today, I'm angry! I'm angry that I am having to raise my children alone. I'm angry I don't have anyone to talk to at the end of the day. I'm angry I can't reach the air filters in my house. I'm angry that the trampoline I got the kids for Christmas is still sitting in my driveway!! I'm just angry!!
First of all, just because something worked for your family does not mean it will work for mine. Every situation is different, and I do not want anyone to assume that they know what is best for my child. And don't think because it's been two years since Brad died that we aren't grieving anymore. We can't just "suck it up" and "deal with it." I'm 45 years old and I still hurt like I did 2 years ago. I'm sure my children feel the same. I cannot fathom what my kids are going through - they've lost the thing that made them feel most secure. Their 10 and 13 year old brains cannot process like an adults can. They look around at their friends who still have their dads and it makes them sad. I do not expect Nate to be the man of the house. He's 13 year old. That's too young to have that kind of pressure placed on you. It's hard enough just being 13. He's already had his dad taken away from him. Don't take his childhood away, too.
Allie and I witnessed one of the most horrific things that no one should ever have to see. It was traumatic. If you have ever experienced a trauma, you know it doesn't ever really go away. It gets easier to deal with, but it never goes away. We are still adjusting to life without Brad, and sometimes it does feel like that people have forgotten. I'm doing the best that I can. It is so difficult to do it all. Bills, grocery shopping, meals, taxes, doctor, dentist, orthodontist, and eye doctor visits, hearing tests, glasses, medicine, driving here and there, baseball, softball, practices, counseling, car maintenance, working outside the home, house and yard maintenance, helping with school work, being the only disciplinarian, on and on and on! The hardest thing is having to continually ask for help. It's even more frustrating when I ask for help and am told I will get it, only to never receive any. I don't want this to sound like a pity party. I just needed to vent. I know everyone has their own problems/issues. I'm stronger than I ever thought possible, but being a single mother in a situation like this is exhausting, heart wrenching and just plain SUCKS.
My name is Shannon and I lost my husband Mark on february 16th, 2012. I have sat and cried reading this as I am there with you. I have laughed as well because I am glad to know someone gets it. If I hear it will get better one more time I may hurt someone. I will pray for you to have peace and I hope you will keep me in you prayers as well. My children are 18 and 19 and my youngest daughter this is her senior year and I am trying to be so strong so that she can enjoy it but all I want to do is go with Mark. You are incredibly strong to be able to do this and I want you to know it helped me today.
ReplyDeleteI am trying to figure out how to be me without Mark and I have no idea where to start. We were blessed to have jobs where we spent all day everyday together and that makes it worse because he was my routine. I too am having trouble letting people help me or asking for help because I feel when someone fixes something he built or does something for me it is replacing parts of him I can't let go off or ever get back. I know this is crazy but it is how I feel and can't help it. I call his phone when I am coming to the house or say I told Mark___ and then it just like starting all over again.
I get everything you are going thru and I am so dang mad I can't function most days... There is a saying many of my friends have placed on my facebook page and sister this sums us up:
You never know how Strong you are until being Stong is the only choice you have.
Peace and Love your way
Shannon McClure