A time to cry...

     I've felt it building for a few days now….the tears are here. I think the combination of the upcoming holidays and the succession of birthdays (Brad's in September, Allie's in October, and Nate's last week) have precipitated this "meltdown." I hate to call it a meltdown, because that's really not what it is…but I don't have a word for it. I'm sad, lonely, overwhelmed….I feel empty, distracted and, well, cheated.  
   I feel cheated  of the family I had. Cheated of being married to my best friend a long time. Cheated of having a partner to help raise my children. Normally, I am a happy person. It's just my personality. You will be hard pressed to ever see me anything else. I hide my grief well. Not only is it my personality, it's also the expectations of those around me. No one wants to hear that I'm not doing well. They want to say "How are you?" and they want to hear me say "I'm ok." So, that's what I say. A friend has tried to tell me on a few occasions that my answer should be "No, I'm not ok, but I will be." I've said it a few times, and I know it's true. I will be ok. I know that. It's the getting there part that is hard. It will just take time. You don't "get over" watching your husband die in front of you. It will be with me forever….
  Once I came out of the shock, I learned the last couple of years that my grief is like a roller coaster. I've written about this before. It is a ride of extreme ups and downs. The last few months have been a kiddie ride. The ups and downs have been pretty level, with just a few dips here and there. Well, I'm back on the BIG roller coaster again. I guess it should come as no surprise to me, but I admit it really does. I am plummeting down the big drop, gripping on to the safety bar (God!) as tightly as I can. I want to be ok so bad, but reality is it will take time.
    I guess the purpose of this writing is to ask for a couple of things. I've learned I have to ask for things, and that is not easy to do! Firstly, I so desperately need your prayers. The only reason I have made it this far is through God's unbelievable grace and mercy, and the prayers of others. Secondly, I need your patience and understanding. I have so many friends and family that love me and care about me. I need those friends and family to step in and help with my kids and to give me some time to grieve. I fell into a deep depression last year. I will not allow that to happen again! I will, though, allow myself some "down time" to grieve and relax and recoup. I know I can trust my friends and family will understand and be patient with me as I navigate this holiday season.
    I am such a "people pleaser," and never want to let anyone down. I feel guilty when someone gives my kids rides or does something to help me out. I'm trying to accept the help without the guilt, but it is hard. Brad was such a big part of our lives. Bottom line: I miss him. Living life without him is so hard, but I do it. I have no choice. There are, though, days that are harder than others. This is one of those days. Thank you for letting me share my pain. I'm not ok, but I will be….

Blessings to you all~
Jen