If I could please have your attention...

Have you ever had one of those experiences where God is doing so much to get your attention, it's as if He is clanging cymbals in front of your face?

     Let me preface this by saying I love my church, but it has been incredibly difficult for me to go to since Brad died. The first year was not that hard. Actually, it was probably the most comforting thing at the time. Somewhere along the second year, though, it started becoming more and more painful. I would find myself either sitting with an empty chair next to me, or sitting next to someone I didn't know, or re-living the day of Brad's service (it was held in our Worship Center), or I would just get emotional walking in the door without a specific reason. Sometimes I would choke back tears just driving to church as that was such a special time for us as a family. Sometimes more special than others…trust me, we were just as vulnerable to Satan on Sunday mornings as everyone else! We had our share of rushing around and problems and foul moods on the way! We still do! So going to church as a family of 3 instead of 4 has been extremely hard for me. There's an absence.  However, I was raised in a small church where we were there every Sunday morning and most Sunday and Wednesday nights. So, to not go to church has given me a very difficult guilt to live with, despite my extreme anguish when I do go. I know I'm still going to Heaven if I don't go to church every Sunday. God knows my heart, and He knows how hard it is for me. He has not been the source of my guilt. He is a loving and understanding God. He knows what an important part worship played in my marriage to Brad. Still….there is a guilt. The kids love to go, but I think somehow they get that it is very hard for me. They have asked on occasion why we didn't go, and I always have answered truthfully. It makes me miss Brad terribly, nearly more than any other situation. It's just been a part of my grieving process that has taken it's sweet time getting resolved, and I believe God has been more than patient in waiting on me to get it worked out.  In addition to making Brad's absence glaring, it also magnifies the fact that I really don't "fit in" anywhere. I don't fall into your "typical" categories. There's just not a category that a young widow falls into.  I really have struggled finding a place to connect. I still have many, many friends there, but they are all married and quite honestly, I just feel out of place around married couples. I love my married friends, but as you can imagine, a lot is different now. My husband is no longer here, so being in a group with married couples just doesn't meet my needs.

     (I need to interject here that on Tuesday, I went to a funeral service for a man whose heart was after God's much like Brad's was. He made an impact on people and there were so many similarities in their services and how God had used their lives to reach others. I'm looking forward to a new friendship  with his wife that started several months ago. His death was anticipated, so it is a slightly different situation, but we share the bond of losing our husbands much too early. I know our paths have been crossed for a reason.)

     Anyway, as patient as God has been, I know He is telling me to take a deep breath, suck it up, and get myself to church. In the back of my mind, I had been telling myself "When school starts, we will get back in." Well, school started several weeks ago, and we have yet to go. Until today. Last night, Nate and Allie both spent the night with a friend. At 12:45 a.m. (yes!), my phone rang. It was Nate. I actually was awake. (I had been having a hard time going to sleep after the Razorback game…ugh, what a terrible night!) I answered, and Nate asked me if we were going to church. I told him I didn't know, that I was having a hard time going to sleep, and I would see how I felt in the morning. Well, that was not the answer Nate was looking for, and he stated emphatically, "If you don't take me, I will find someone who will." Ouch. Yes, that stung. Ok, yes, I'll take you. (Anyone hearing cymbals starting to clang?)

     So, Nate comes home, we get ready (Allie went to church with her friend) and go to church. Nate leaves me right inside the door. Here is where I start getting that sick feeling in my stomach. My thoughts start racing…..I'm alone. (yes, there are hundreds of people walking around me, but it's not the same.) Brad isn't here.... I don't like this….How can I do this? I don't want to do this! I keep walking, going towards the office of one of my best friends who works at church. Her door is closed, so I know she isn't there. Then I see a neighbor. We exchange a few words, then his very expectant wife walks up (baby may even be here as I type this!) and we talk for a few minutes. I wish them well with the delivery and turn to go sit by myself in the cafe'. I definitely know I'm not going to the Worship Center, as I know the tears will fall. I just can't explain it. Yes, even nearly 2 1/2 years later, those feelings surface as if it were yesterday. Then, in a split second, I make eye contact with a very close friend of mine and Brad's, Jason. He comes up to me and hugs me tight and asks me what I'm doing. "I'm trying to figure out where I fit," I tell him. He doesn't miss a beat, grabs my hand, and tells me "I know exactly where you fit!" as he is pulling me in the Edge (a more casual setting within our church). "Kim and Stephanie are in here, and you can fit right in with them!" So, he is literally pulling me through the crowd, his hand still holding mine tightly, until we find his wife, Kim, and a mutual friend, Stephanie, who was my Bible study leader for a couple of years. Of course, I'm thrilled to see these friends, and I am glad to be sitting with them. Jason was ushering, and Stephanie's husband was out of town. Perfect. I can do this. We all hug and say hi, but the music has already started. The nice thing about the Edge is, typically, the music is not as familiar to me. Music gets a grip on my soul and produces emotions that almost nothing else can come close to. I'm like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman" when she goes to the opera and gets all teary-eyed and choked up when the soprano hits the high note. Music has always had that affect on me. So, to this point, I am ok…the music is somewhat familiar, but nothing too emotion-provoking. Then, just as quick as I think I am ok, the next song begins. I am sure there were only 4 or 5 bars played, but I knew in an instant what song it was. I know you are smiling…yes, Revelation Song. Brad's favorite song. The song that was sung so beautifully by my dear friend Terry Jones at Brad's service. The song that Nate makes me change the station if it comes on. But also the song that Allie and I both have been able to listen to without having to change the station. It's funny how we have become less affected over time, but Nate hasn't reached that point yet. At least I thought I had reached that point. Let me tell you, in that moment, I was thrust back to Saturday, May 1, 2010, the day we celebrated Brad's life on earth and his beginning of eternity with Christ. The tears began and would not stop. I didn't even try to stop them. Kim immediately knew and put her arm around me. We both just cried like babies. I don't do that very often, but there was definitely no stopping it! Then Stephanie put her arm around Kim and grabbed my hand. It was so difficult to hear that incredible song, to think about Brad and how much he loved it…but my friends were there, crying with me. They literally were God's arms around me and His hand holding mine, assuring me "I've got you, and you can do this." The tears flow as I type this….thank you, Jason, Kim and Stephanie, for being God's arms and hands!  (How about those cymbals? Hear them yet?)

     The song ends and the service begins. This service is different than most as it was the service where our pastors are sharing the vision for the church.  I would be willing to bet that if you really think about it, you know what I'm going to say the pastors shared with us about the vision. Chuckle, snicker, ha ha, yes, God has a sense of humor….Our church's vision is discipleship. And how do we do become greater disciples? BY CONNECTING WITH GOD AND OTHERS, STARTING IN THE CHURCH. Oh, yes He did! I know most of you by now are thinking "Wow!" Yeah, 12 hours later, I'm still just shaking my head. God is so amazing! Anyway, the entire service, our 3 teaching pastors explain how they have gone to great lengths to make it easier to get connected with others. They've created a new place online with steps to input your information to help find a place to connect with others. They've had a team build a "Connection Center" in the church where someone will be staffed to help you find your place if you have trouble doing it on your own. It's just too much, isn't it?! I think I just channeled my inner Beth Moore on that one! (I know by now you have got to be hearing clanging cymbals….)

     There's not a lot I know about God's purpose in taking Brad from us for what seems way too early, but I do know that part of that plan is for me to glorify God. I distinctly remember sitting in the ER, telling my pastor that I would use Brad's death for glory. I chose that night to accept the challenge to raise our children and follow the path He had given me. How do you use someone's death for God's glory? You show others that life is not about us. You show them that life is about relationships with God and with others. How your relationship with God will impact others, which in turn will impact the kingdom of Heaven. Brad's life did this. I want mine to, as well.

     So, to recap, I've not been to church in weeks, really only a handful of times since the first year after Brad's death. Nate steps up and tells me to take him to church today "or else He will find someone who will." I just barely catch the eye of a close friend who is ushering. He and his family usually go to first service, but they were trying second service today, according to his wife. He also only ushers once every four weeks. He sits me with two friends who I know and love and trust and am 100% comfortable with. The typically more unfamiliar music to me in the Edge has suddenly become Brad's favorite song that reduces me to tears for the first time in a long time. The service is not a message per se, but about how a church with a membership of thousands has a new vision, and that vision is helping us become disciples. How does Fellowship define a disciple? A person who by God's grace connects with God and others; becomes transformed in attitude and action; and multiplies disciples at home and across the world. In other words (God's words), "Jennifer, go to church, get connected at church, help your children to become disciples, and help others become disciples by sharing that it is by God's grace we can make a difference for the Kingdom."

I know you're hearing those cymbals now!! Clang, clang, CLANG!!

(Just as a little side note, I started typing this about 10 p.m. on Sunday evening, September 9. It's now 1:30 a.m. on Monday, September 10. It just hit me that Brad would've turned 43 on Wednesday, September 12….Brad, I would give anything to be able to celebrate your earthly birthday with you on Wednesday, but I am glad you are no longer feeling the weight of this world on your shoulders. I can only imagine what a celebration every day in Heaven is, and I long for the day that I get to share seeing Jesus face to face with you! I love you and thank God for you and your legacy!)