I stare in disbelief at the date on the computer….April 24, 2012.
April 24, 2010.
Two years ago our lives were turned upside down.
It's been two years since I saw his face, touched his hand, heard his voice...
Really?
How is it possible that I have lived two years without my husband, my best friend, the father of my children? How have I lived two years with the title of "Young Widow" and "Single Mom?" How can I still remember 95% of what happened on that night two years ago?
My answer is simple: God. He is the ONLY thing that has kept me from completely falling to pieces. When God challenges you to follow Him…when He lets you choose how you react to His plan when it differs from yours…well, I can only say I shudder at the thought had I not chosen to trust Him and acknowledge that I was following His plan, not mine. I've said this on several occasions: my life has changed, but my God has not. On April 24, 2010, I watched Brad struggle to breathe. I watched his heart stop beating. I watched the paramedics shock him twice in my living room. On April 24, 2010, God called his servant home, knowing that I would allow Him to use me however He saw fit. It has been the most painful, heart-wrenching, difficult two years. Yet, when I look beyond the pain and heartache - I see glimpses of a heavenly purpose. I'm hearing more songs that remind us that this world is not our forever home, that we are on our way home. It is a long journey, and it's not always in first-class on a jet. Sometimes it's a bicycle, sometimes it's walking…barefoot. On sharp rocks. Sometimes it's a limo, sometimes it's crawling. But I know I will get there one day. I'm glad that Brad is no longer experiencing the pain and stress of this world. I still miss him so much, but I know where he is. He is home, with our Lord and Savior….and I'm on my way. I don't know how long the journey is, but I will stay on the path.
Two years. Twenty-four months. It is still surreal.
Allie reminded me today that it "may have been 2 years to us, but it was only 2 seconds to dad." I'm completely humbled how God uses a child to put things into perspective. We all miss him. We all talk about him. We watched one of his favorite movies together earlier. We listen to some of his favorite music. I try to tell them stories about their dad. We miss him but we are so grateful for the time we had him. We were blessed to have him as the leader of our family. I was blessed to call him my husband. Nate and Allie were blessed to call him dad. It's hard to live life without him. Not a day goes by that something reminds me or the kids about him. There will always be a hole in our hearts that he once filled. God will mend our hearts in time, but even though our hearts are being mended…they will never be the same.
Two years. We love and miss you so much, Brad. Our lives are not the same without you. You will forever remain in our hearts...
Jen, thanks for sharing your journey. I certainly understand what you mean about how you wake up one day and 2 years have gone by and it is so hard to believe the world has gone on for that long, when so often it feels your world is standing still, while the world is spinning around you at top speed. It has been 2 years since I lost my uncle on April 13, 2010, he had beoome like a father to me as I looked to him for advice and encouragement since the loss of my daddy. My dad left this earth on Monday, April 5, 1982 and was present with the Lord in heaven on that day. His body was laid to rest on Good Friday and we celebrated in the resurection of Jesus Christ that Easter Sunday, and I have never viewed Easter in the same way since. I miss him greatly. This time of year is always difficult, but, I find peace knowing that he is now, where I will be when my walk on this earth is finished. Praise the Lord, He is risen! And, gives us the gift of eternal life with him. :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this, and for the picture given to us by your daughter. In the scheme of things, we will look back, and these moments will seem like the blink of an eye for us, too. As we look back, they will pale in comparrison to the future we have with Him in paradise. But, for now, we press on, knowing He is always right there for us, holding our hand. Thniking of you, and praying for you and your family during this time. :-)