Breakfast in Bed, Basketball, and Blessings

I have been thinking about writing for several days, but I am just now finding the will to do it. I feel like my life is one step forward, two steps back. Just when I think I might be ready to take two steps forward, I am blindsided by something. It doesn't take much. Sunday it was triggered by Allie. She had the idea and planned out bringing me breakfast in bed. How sweet! She has such a precious heart. Yet, in the back of my mind, I was remembering all the Mother's Days that Brad and the kids brought me breakfast in bed. Or the times Brad and I had breakfast in bed on trips together. Then tonight. Nate had a basketball game. It was just Allie and I in the car. I could not stop thinking about how I should not be driving - Brad should be driving, while we discussed the days events or planned the weekend. Then, we would go to Nate's game where Brad would watch intently and instruct Nate after the game on things to do to improve his game. It didn't happen that way. It was me, by myself, my heart aching that Nate doesn't have his dad in the stands. I find it so hard to believe I have lived my life without him for over 21 months. I'm sure there are some people that think "It's almost been 2 years…it's time to move forward." I really don't know what people are thinking….but, sometimes I say that to myself. "Why is it so hard to move forward?" "Shouldn't I be feeling better?"
I read an article today that gave me a better understanding of why I still feel so sad. The article called it grieving "secondary losses." Such losses are "secondary" to the "main" loss of losing your spouse. They include grieving the loss of your best friend, the loss of your family identity, the loss of your children's father, the loss of plans for the future you had together, the loss of shared memories….I could go on and on. Brad's death has affected so many different areas of my life. The article stated it was important to grieve each loss. Well, that could take a really long time! So, I get up each day, trusting in the strength only God can give me, and continue my life the best I can. Someone gave me a book entitled "I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can." I think that is about right. When I step back and look at my circumstances…the circumstances of watching your husband die in front of you, dealing with your daughter who witnessed more than any child should ever have to see, being a single mother, feeling so inadequate to meet the needs of a teenage boy, becoming the head of the family….and so many more. Well, it's just going to take time.
So what about the last part of my title? Blessings. I would not be honoring God or honoring Brad's life if I did not recognize the blessings in my life. I end my prayer every night thanking God for them. I don't consider Brad's death a blessing to me, but his life was. There are so many other blessings He has given me. A marriage that lasted 19 years, a marriage that grew closer and closer with each passing year. The blessing of two precious children. The blessing of a wonderful family. The blessing of some very special friends. The blessing of a nice home. The blessing of my children's school. The blessing of knowing without a shadow of a doubt that God is in control of my life. So many more...
Yes, it's going to take time to heal. God is working on me. He knows my heart. He knows my pain. I am following Him, and I trust Him wholeheartedly. I know there are more blessings to come.

2 Corinthians 9:8

The Message (MSG)

 ^8-11God can pour on the blessings in astonishing ways so that you're ready for anything and everything, more than just ready to do what needs to be done. As one psalmist puts it,

   He throws caution to the winds,
      giving to the needy in reckless abandon.
   His right-living, right-giving ways
      never run out, never wear out.
This most generous God who gives seed to the farmer that becomes bread for your meals is more than extravagant with you. He gives you something you can then give away, which grows into full-formed lives, robust in God, wealthy in every way, so that you can be generous in every way, producing with us great praise to God.