As I sat down to begin writing, I glanced at the clock: April 23, 2013. 11:58 p.m. The magnitude of thoughts swirling in my head cannot be described. I have been anticipating, dreading, thinking about - dwelling on - the date to come. I look again. April 23, 2013, 11:59 p.m….
Now it's here. April 24, 2013. 12:00 a.m. Three years ago, April 24, 2010, my world was turned completely upside down. My life as I knew it came to a screeching halt. My dreams shattered. My best friend gone. The father of my children taken far too soon.
The old cliche' "Time heals all wounds" is just not true in my case. My wounds will never completely heal from this. However, that said, God is mending my wounds. He is still slowly stitching up the rips and tears, gluing back the shattered pieces, filling the empty spaces with His love. What I want to convey in my message is that I know God has a plan for me, but I have resolved to grieve for as much and as long as I need to. I have been moving forward at a snail's pace. Occasionally, I'll quickly jump over a few obstacles or slide down a hill backwards uncontrollably. For the most part, though, it is a slow journey forward. I have wrestled with being frustrated that others around me want me to "be ok" or want to help me "move forward," when I want to sit in my grief. I am a people pleaser, so my initial reaction or even feelings are for and of others. I don't want my friends to feel uncomfortable or helpless. But let's be real here. Three years ago, April 24, 2010, I watched helplessly as the person God chose for me to spend my life with slipped through my fingers and into God's hands. I was there as he struggled to breathe. I watched him turn blue. I watched him stop breathing. I watched the paramedics shock him twice in our living room as I sat in the corner sobbing and praying that God would not take him from me.
I don't pretend to even begin to understand why he had to go so soon. I do know this, though. God's grace has and will see me through this. I've shared this before, but I had a peace in the hospital after the doctors had done everything that they could to save him. I still have that peace. I know there is a reason. It doesn't make it easy. I miss him every day. Some days are harder than others. The first year I was numb. The second year was harder. The third year was a little easier, but became hard again. It will be this way the rest of my life. Life is not how I pictured it. However, I can boldly say that even though my life has changed, my God has not. He has been with me every step….whether I've been on my knees praying or lying in my bed, sobbing. He knows my pain, and He knows my heart. I've not been the picture-perfect Christian. I've failed at so many things, and Satan has endlessly attacked me. I almost cringe when someone tells me how strong I am or what an inspiration I am to them. I am just like anyone of you who loves the Lord. When He chooses a different path than you would've liked, you have two choices: follow Him, or go your own way. When you truly love the Lord, you follow Him! I've learned it's still not an easy path, but letting Him lead is much easier than trying to find my way alone. I am weak, and He is strong.
I can always tell when I've not written in awhile. My thoughts are a jumbled mess and I struggle with writing in a way that will be meaningful and purposeful. I've had in my head the last few days, that I would sit down and write about the fact that Brad has been gone 3 years. When I talk with others about that, it is nearly incomprehensible. Three years? I've been a single parent for 3 years? I've gone to bed alone for 3 years? I've not seen the love of my life in 3 years? Yet, almost simultaneously, I think it's only been 3 years? It seems like an eternity….a lifetime. Which finally leads to the title of my post. Eternity. First of all, if you do not know Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, I pray you will come to know Him as I have. I honestly do not know how anyone who does not have faith can lose someone close to you and make it through one day. As humans, we cannot fathom eternity. To a child, even a day can seem like an eternity. Three years has seemed like an eternity to me, but one of the many things God has taught me through this storm is that this life is not about us. This life is finite. This life is not our home. My eternal perspective was changed the day Brad died. Before Brad died, I truly did not think much about death or Heaven or eternity. Don't get me wrong - I thought about it! I just look at life so differently now.
My heart hurts for my children who are growing up without their earthly father. I am trying to teach them that their Heavenly Father has and always will be with them. It's tough enough to grasp as an adult. I look at my children and marvel at what incredible beings they are. I see God working in their lives. They are growing up so fast. Last night while eating dinner, Allie quizzed Nate and I about Samson. Her teacher had posed the question at school, "How did God's plan change when Samson told about his weakness, disobeying him?" Nate and I thought about it, and I (stupidly) said "he used Samson in a different way." (thinking about how we watched the story of him in the tv series "The Bible," and how we talked about the consequences of disobeying God.) How humbling it was when my 11-year old daughter said with a smile, "God's plan didn't change." Chuckle. Yes, Allie, you are right! His plans NEVER change! He knew us before He even formed us. He has our lives planned out before we are even born. God has set eternity in our hearts by calling Brad to Him earlier than we would've liked. I would never have chosen this road, but God has consistently been showing me glimpses of His plan.
In the words of a life-long, very dear friend: I am not ok, but I will be. I am going to take all the time I need to let go of Brad. God will let me know if I'm not moving fast enough. He is teaching me things that I need to learn. I know God wants to use my story in a mighty way. Not in anyone else's time, not in my time, but in His time.
My life has changed, but my God has not. I am His for eternity.
Blessings,
Jennifer
ps, as I close at 1:15 a.m., April 24, 2013, it really irritates me that the date on my post is apparently PST, not CST! I want it to read the right date and time! And with that, I smile…. Brad is still such a part of me! He was such a perfectionist! I love you, Brad!
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