Have you ever had one of those experiences where God is doing so much to get your attention, it's as if He is clanging cymbals in front of your face?
Let me preface this by saying I love my church, but it has been incredibly difficult for me to go to since Brad died. The first year was not that hard. Actually, it was probably the most comforting thing at the time. Somewhere along the second year, though, it started becoming more and more painful. I would find myself either sitting with an empty chair next to me, or sitting next to someone I didn't know, or re-living the day of Brad's service (it was held in our Worship Center), or I would just get emotional walking in the door without a specific reason. Sometimes I would choke back tears just driving to church as that was such a special time for us as a family. Sometimes more special than others…trust me, we were just as vulnerable to Satan on Sunday mornings as everyone else! We had our share of rushing around and problems and foul moods on the way! We still do! So going to church as a family of 3 instead of 4 has been extremely hard for me. There's an absence. However, I was raised in a small church where we were there every Sunday morning and most Sunday and Wednesday nights. So, to not go to church has given me a very difficult guilt to live with, despite my extreme anguish when I do go. I know I'm still going to Heaven if I don't go to church every Sunday. God knows my heart, and He knows how hard it is for me. He has not been the source of my guilt. He is a loving and understanding God. He knows what an important part worship played in my marriage to Brad. Still….there is a guilt. The kids love to go, but I think somehow they get that it is very hard for me. They have asked on occasion why we didn't go, and I always have answered truthfully. It makes me miss Brad terribly, nearly more than any other situation. It's just been a part of my grieving process that has taken it's sweet time getting resolved, and I believe God has been more than patient in waiting on me to get it worked out. In addition to making Brad's absence glaring, it also magnifies the fact that I really don't "fit in" anywhere. I don't fall into your "typical" categories. There's just not a category that a young widow falls into. I really have struggled finding a place to connect. I still have many, many friends there, but they are all married and quite honestly, I just feel out of place around married couples. I love my married friends, but as you can imagine, a lot is different now. My husband is no longer here, so being in a group with married couples just doesn't meet my needs.
(I need to interject here that on Tuesday, I went to a funeral service for a man whose heart was after God's much like Brad's was. He made an impact on people and there were so many similarities in their services and how God had used their lives to reach others. I'm looking forward to a new friendship with his wife that started several months ago. His death was anticipated, so it is a slightly different situation, but we share the bond of losing our husbands much too early. I know our paths have been crossed for a reason.)
Anyway, as patient as God has been, I know He is telling me to take a deep breath, suck it up, and get myself to church. In the back of my mind, I had been telling myself "When school starts, we will get back in." Well, school started several weeks ago, and we have yet to go. Until today. Last night, Nate and Allie both spent the night with a friend. At 12:45 a.m. (yes!), my phone rang. It was Nate. I actually was awake. (I had been having a hard time going to sleep after the Razorback game…ugh, what a terrible night!) I answered, and Nate asked me if we were going to church. I told him I didn't know, that I was having a hard time going to sleep, and I would see how I felt in the morning. Well, that was not the answer Nate was looking for, and he stated emphatically, "If you don't take me, I will find someone who will." Ouch. Yes, that stung. Ok, yes, I'll take you. (Anyone hearing cymbals starting to clang?)
So, Nate comes home, we get ready (Allie went to church with her friend) and go to church. Nate leaves me right inside the door. Here is where I start getting that sick feeling in my stomach. My thoughts start racing…..I'm alone. (yes, there are hundreds of people walking around me, but it's not the same.) Brad isn't here.... I don't like this….How can I do this? I don't want to do this! I keep walking, going towards the office of one of my best friends who works at church. Her door is closed, so I know she isn't there. Then I see a neighbor. We exchange a few words, then his very expectant wife walks up (baby may even be here as I type this!) and we talk for a few minutes. I wish them well with the delivery and turn to go sit by myself in the cafe'. I definitely know I'm not going to the Worship Center, as I know the tears will fall. I just can't explain it. Yes, even nearly 2 1/2 years later, those feelings surface as if it were yesterday. Then, in a split second, I make eye contact with a very close friend of mine and Brad's, Jason. He comes up to me and hugs me tight and asks me what I'm doing. "I'm trying to figure out where I fit," I tell him. He doesn't miss a beat, grabs my hand, and tells me "I know exactly where you fit!" as he is pulling me in the Edge (a more casual setting within our church). "Kim and Stephanie are in here, and you can fit right in with them!" So, he is literally pulling me through the crowd, his hand still holding mine tightly, until we find his wife, Kim, and a mutual friend, Stephanie, who was my Bible study leader for a couple of years. Of course, I'm thrilled to see these friends, and I am glad to be sitting with them. Jason was ushering, and Stephanie's husband was out of town. Perfect. I can do this. We all hug and say hi, but the music has already started. The nice thing about the Edge is, typically, the music is not as familiar to me. Music gets a grip on my soul and produces emotions that almost nothing else can come close to. I'm like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman" when she goes to the opera and gets all teary-eyed and choked up when the soprano hits the high note. Music has always had that affect on me. So, to this point, I am ok…the music is somewhat familiar, but nothing too emotion-provoking. Then, just as quick as I think I am ok, the next song begins. I am sure there were only 4 or 5 bars played, but I knew in an instant what song it was. I know you are smiling…yes, Revelation Song. Brad's favorite song. The song that was sung so beautifully by my dear friend Terry Jones at Brad's service. The song that Nate makes me change the station if it comes on. But also the song that Allie and I both have been able to listen to without having to change the station. It's funny how we have become less affected over time, but Nate hasn't reached that point yet. At least I thought I had reached that point. Let me tell you, in that moment, I was thrust back to Saturday, May 1, 2010, the day we celebrated Brad's life on earth and his beginning of eternity with Christ. The tears began and would not stop. I didn't even try to stop them. Kim immediately knew and put her arm around me. We both just cried like babies. I don't do that very often, but there was definitely no stopping it! Then Stephanie put her arm around Kim and grabbed my hand. It was so difficult to hear that incredible song, to think about Brad and how much he loved it…but my friends were there, crying with me. They literally were God's arms around me and His hand holding mine, assuring me "I've got you, and you can do this." The tears flow as I type this….thank you, Jason, Kim and Stephanie, for being God's arms and hands! (How about those cymbals? Hear them yet?)
The song ends and the service begins. This service is different than most as it was the service where our pastors are sharing the vision for the church. I would be willing to bet that if you really think about it, you know what I'm going to say the pastors shared with us about the vision. Chuckle, snicker, ha ha, yes, God has a sense of humor….Our church's vision is discipleship. And how do we do become greater disciples? BY CONNECTING WITH GOD AND OTHERS, STARTING IN THE CHURCH. Oh, yes He did! I know most of you by now are thinking "Wow!" Yeah, 12 hours later, I'm still just shaking my head. God is so amazing! Anyway, the entire service, our 3 teaching pastors explain how they have gone to great lengths to make it easier to get connected with others. They've created a new place online with steps to input your information to help find a place to connect with others. They've had a team build a "Connection Center" in the church where someone will be staffed to help you find your place if you have trouble doing it on your own. It's just too much, isn't it?! I think I just channeled my inner Beth Moore on that one! (I know by now you have got to be hearing clanging cymbals….)
There's not a lot I know about God's purpose in taking Brad from us for what seems way too early, but I do know that part of that plan is for me to glorify God. I distinctly remember sitting in the ER, telling my pastor that I would use Brad's death for glory. I chose that night to accept the challenge to raise our children and follow the path He had given me. How do you use someone's death for God's glory? You show others that life is not about us. You show them that life is about relationships with God and with others. How your relationship with God will impact others, which in turn will impact the kingdom of Heaven. Brad's life did this. I want mine to, as well.
So, to recap, I've not been to church in weeks, really only a handful of times since the first year after Brad's death. Nate steps up and tells me to take him to church today "or else He will find someone who will." I just barely catch the eye of a close friend who is ushering. He and his family usually go to first service, but they were trying second service today, according to his wife. He also only ushers once every four weeks. He sits me with two friends who I know and love and trust and am 100% comfortable with. The typically more unfamiliar music to me in the Edge has suddenly become Brad's favorite song that reduces me to tears for the first time in a long time. The service is not a message per se, but about how a church with a membership of thousands has a new vision, and that vision is helping us become disciples. How does Fellowship define a disciple? A person who by God's grace connects with God and others; becomes transformed in attitude and action; and multiplies disciples at home and across the world. In other words (God's words), "Jennifer, go to church, get connected at church, help your children to become disciples, and help others become disciples by sharing that it is by God's grace we can make a difference for the Kingdom."
I know you're hearing those cymbals now!! Clang, clang, CLANG!!
(Just as a little side note, I started typing this about 10 p.m. on Sunday evening, September 9. It's now 1:30 a.m. on Monday, September 10. It just hit me that Brad would've turned 43 on Wednesday, September 12….Brad, I would give anything to be able to celebrate your earthly birthday with you on Wednesday, but I am glad you are no longer feeling the weight of this world on your shoulders. I can only imagine what a celebration every day in Heaven is, and I long for the day that I get to share seeing Jesus face to face with you! I love you and thank God for you and your legacy!)
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Life is hard….but that's no excuse
Yesterday, I attended the funeral of a man who lived his life very similar to Brad's. While I don't remember a lot about Brad's service, I do remember the focus of the service was to celebrate his life. This was very important to me. I didn't want it to be sad or somber. Scot's service was strikingly similar. When someone dies young (and I'm speaking in relative terms here), there is an automatic human response to question the reason. If someone has lived a long life, it's still not easy to say goodbye, but we tend to look at it differently. I think back to the things that were said about Brad and Scot, and they both were men after God's own heart. How blessed Lisa (Scot's wife) and I were to have such husbands! I had several people come to me in the months after Brad's death and tell me that they were so impacted by his life and his service. I'm sure Lisa will experience the same. While our situations are different (Scot was diagnosed with ALS 6 years ago), they are very much the same. God 's plans for our lives may or may not match up to what we have expected and/or wanted. I had a conversation with a dear family friend (whose wife died young) about something he had heard in a sermon or a study. It was a question I could answer very quickly. "Is this how I pictured my life at ___?" (enter your age). Well, of course not! I never imagined that I would be 45 years old, raising an almost 14 year old boy (young man) and an almost 11 year old girl by myself! I never dreamed my husband would collapse at home and die from a massive heart attack when he was 40. It never crossed my mind that Brad and I would not be able to grow old together, to watch our children grow, to give them advice and encouragement as they navigate life. Yet, when I found myself in the ER of Baptist Hospital that Saturday night, I knew in my heart that it was part of God's plan….that He had chosen this life path for me. Do I like it??? No! Would I have chosen something different? Of course! Prior to Brad's death, he was having some problems with his employer. He was looking for another job, and was under an extreme amount of stress. Where did he turn? To God. He trusted God. Yes, he worried. It's just human nature to do so. But every morning, there he was, in his chair reading his Bible. We knew we weren't going to get to stay in what I termed "Brad's dream house." We were ok with that. We were sad, but we knew it wasn't part of God's plan anymore. I distinctly remember us standing in the kitchen, looking out over the pool and the beautiful view down the fairway as the sun set. We were commenting on how much we would miss the view and what we called home at the time, but then Brad said something so striking. "I'm at peace with moving. I just look at it that God allowed me to live in my dream house, even if it was for just a short time." I remember hugging him, knowing he was sad that life was going as he wanted it to. Looking back, God has brought this (among many other memories) to mind that life is not perfect….but we can CHOOSE to be grateful for the things we have been given. Yes, life was hard then. Money was tight, and Brad was under stress. Even then, though, God was teaching me be to grateful in all circumstances. Instead of being angry or dwelling on the fact that we were having to move, we were thankful for the time we had there. I tell my kids all the time that it's ok to miss dad, it's ok to be sad, but we can always be grateful for the time that we had him. I'm sure Scot and Lisa would've never chosen the path God laid out for them. I know I would never choose the path I'm on. Would you choose the path that you are on? Some of you may be able to answer that with a sound "yes." Some of you may answer "probably not," or "maybe a little differently." I would answer with a loud "NO!" only because I miss Brad, and I miss our family the way it used to be. Does that make me a bad Christian? No. It makes me human. We all want the "fairy tale" life….or even just a life that is not hard. Well, I'm here to tell you that life is hard (if you haven't already figured that out!), but God is good. I wrote a quick note on Facebook yesterday as I was sitting in the carpool line waiting on Allie and Nate to get out of school. I commented on the similarities of Brad and Scot's lives. My thoughts were of how their lives were remembered and celebrated. How they had impacted others with their lives. I hope when my name is called, that when my life is remembered, the same things can be said about me. Live your life as a reflection of God. Let Him lead you down the path He has chosen. CHOOSE to follow Him, and find things to be grateful for. I'm here to tell you that it is possible. I've found myself repeating the same things over and over: "My life has changed, but my God has not" and "God is not testing my faith, He is proving it."
Yesterday, as I was driving Nate and 3 of his buddies back to school after Scot's service (they are friends with Scot and Lisa's youngest daughter), I told them I had a "mom speech" for them. I don't know what the 3 boys in the back were thinking, but Nate was definitely not happy to hear me say that! I just had to take that opportunity that God had given me to teach those boys something. I told Nate that I didn't know how much he remembered about his dad's service, but a lot of what was said about Mr. Scot was also said about his dad. The other boys didn't even know Nate when Brad died, so this was also an opportunity for me to share with them a little about Brad. I told them to "live your lives in such a way, that when your time on earth is done, that you can have the same things said about you that were said about Mr. Scot and Nate's dad." There was a pause, then Nate said "Is that it? I was expecting some 30 minute lecture." *Grin* I knew had to make an impact with my statement, and I know 13 year old minds don't hear much past the first few words. I hope that they will remember those words. Life is hard…but that's no excuse. Putting God first prepares us as we fight the every day battles of life - small or large. Brad and Scot lived that kind of life. They put God first, their families second, and others third. While the exact same words weren't used, the general message was the same at both services. Life is not about things, money or power. Life is not about "me." Life is about building relationships - a relationship with God and relationships with others. There is no other way to make a bigger impact on the life that is to come….and that life is eternal.
Yesterday, as I was driving Nate and 3 of his buddies back to school after Scot's service (they are friends with Scot and Lisa's youngest daughter), I told them I had a "mom speech" for them. I don't know what the 3 boys in the back were thinking, but Nate was definitely not happy to hear me say that! I just had to take that opportunity that God had given me to teach those boys something. I told Nate that I didn't know how much he remembered about his dad's service, but a lot of what was said about Mr. Scot was also said about his dad. The other boys didn't even know Nate when Brad died, so this was also an opportunity for me to share with them a little about Brad. I told them to "live your lives in such a way, that when your time on earth is done, that you can have the same things said about you that were said about Mr. Scot and Nate's dad." There was a pause, then Nate said "Is that it? I was expecting some 30 minute lecture." *Grin* I knew had to make an impact with my statement, and I know 13 year old minds don't hear much past the first few words. I hope that they will remember those words. Life is hard…but that's no excuse. Putting God first prepares us as we fight the every day battles of life - small or large. Brad and Scot lived that kind of life. They put God first, their families second, and others third. While the exact same words weren't used, the general message was the same at both services. Life is not about things, money or power. Life is not about "me." Life is about building relationships - a relationship with God and relationships with others. There is no other way to make a bigger impact on the life that is to come….and that life is eternal.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
EPIC meltdown….enter GOD
So, I had the meltdowns of all meltdowns this morning….
I have been doing really well - I guess too well. I thought I had this grief thing all figured out, but every now and then it reminds me it is completely out of my control. When I have these "epic" meltdowns, I cry and get angry and want to throw things. Beth Moore immediately comes to mind. Why her? I just remember her saying on several occasions that she was always so perplexed why God would use someone like her to minister to others. She always references her sinful nature. Well, I understand where she is coming from. By that, I mean that all of us are on this journey of life. In this journey, we have choices. I chose a long time ago to follow Christ, but that doesn't mean I do it perfectly. I am such a sinner - I'm selfish, I make poor choices, I am lazy, I don't rely on God like I should. There are so many other things that make me a sinner, but I won't go into those. We all have our "things" between ourselves and God. All that said, I too, wonder why God chose me to minister to others through my grief. I'm a positive person - a people pleaser - I would describe my personality as friendly, happy, always look on the bright side, etc…. It's when I'm alone that the dark side comes out. I don't mean dark side like evil or mean. I mean selfish, selfish, selfish. I get lazy and the first thing that gets pushed aside is God. I don't talk with Him or listen to Him or read His Word. Oh, I pray occasionally…when I've been asked to. I have numerous friends with such pressing needs and concerns. I tell them I will pray, and I do. That's where it stops, and this is where I finally make my point. I am quite certain my epic meltdown was a direct result of my selfishness and my lack of communication with God. I know it is part of the process of grief to have tears and down moments, but I've witnessed the difference between a grief-stricken moment and an "epic meltdown." The difference all lies within my relationship with God. The closer to God, the more strength I have, the more clarity, I have, and the less selfishness I have.
Where did all this come from? Oh, it's a good one. It started last week when the kids started back to school. I could feel a hollowness, a sadness, an aching that my kids were at another milestone without their dad. It was disguised as a grief for my children. Well, not really disguised, but was attributed to that. Deep down, I was grieving my loss as well. I didn't want to admit that. I was doing too well….I was in "up" mode. By the weekend, I could feel my body responding, then by the first of the week, my brain began overloading, and this morning - well, my heart just couldn't take it any more. Allie has had a couple of injuries and Nate and I have had a couple of "heated discussions" since school started. I finally cooked dinner for the first time in months Tuesday, and there is the empty chair at the table. I've had a few projects inside and outside that are weighing on me. These are some of those things that make Brad's absence glaring. (Bear with me, I'm getting to the meltdown.) Combine all these things (among other little ones not mentioned) and a meltdown of epic proportions is inevitable.
The meltdown. I dropped the kids off at school, and decided I'd run to WalMart to grab some mulch and a few other things for one of my outdoor projects. I'm fine. I didn't give any thought to anything except my project. I checked out, my garden cart full. I got about halfway through the crosswalk, and I felt a shift in my cart. Sure enough, a few bags of mulch, a plant, and a bag of garden soil have fallen off the front of the cart and I was stuck. I calmly walked around, put the now-half-empty-of-soil plant back on the cart, shoved the mulch back on and dragged the rest to the curb. In that brief moment, weeks of tears are building, and my pity party is just about to begin. I started it by getting angry at the men around me who just looked at me and kept on walking. I had 3 thoughts - "I wouldn't be doing this if Brad were here!" "If Brad were here, he would be helping me!" and "How RUDE of these men to not offer to help me!" How's that for some crazy thinking?? Then, an employee of WalMart finally came over to help. I can't say he was a knight in shining armor, but it was better than nothing. In the process, I hit my nose on the cart picking up something that fell. I got in the car, feeling the meltdown building. I got about half way home and the tears started. I was feeling so sorry for myself. I passed a friend who waved so friendly. I know I waved, but was it before or after wiping the tears? I pulled into the driveway and sat in the car sobbing for what seemed like forever. In that moment, a flood of memories - and not good ones - comes over me. I miss him. I hate having to do everything alone. I hate my kids don't have their dad. I re-live the night Brad died, I re-live the graveside service, seeing the casket, sitting at the memorial service. It really happened. It's like it JUST happened. He's really gone. That may not make sense to you if you have not lost someone so close to you. I think psychologically it is called "denial," but I just don't like that word. I KNOW he died. I KNOW he's gone and is not coming back. I'm not denying that fact, but when it builds and builds, after awhile it has to come out. I cried and yelled. I banged the steering wheel, stomped my feet and wondered where I could go to throw something. I wondered who I could call and cry to. No one - no one gets it. Everyone wants me to be ok. It's just easier to do it alone. I've said repeatedly I really haven't questioned God, but today I did. Why? I know there is a reason, but it just doesn't seem right! Why did God need Brad more than my kids and I did?? I wanted to just throw myself down on the ground and kick and scream like a toddler. Then, it stopped. I walked into my house and sat down at the computer. Enter GOD.
I know I've mentioned Facebook before, and I know a lot of people don't use it or like it. But God definitely uses it! I logged in under Nate's page, and the first thing I saw was this:
Ok, God, you have my attention. I scrolled down a little and then there is this:
Yes, God….you are the only answer. Pity party over.
Lastly, I moved over to my page, and I saw this:
Wow! What a visual. The very first thing I thought when I saw that was Brad. I just know he is one of those standing around me! Immediately, I feel comforted. Then, I am driven to write. So, here I am, well over an hour later, feeling much less sorry for myself. I'm feeling convicted that I'm not reading my Bible and I'm not nurturing my relationship with God like I should be, but in that same moment, I also feel very loved and forgiven….
….and life in this world goes on, but it is leading to life everlasting with Him.
I have been doing really well - I guess too well. I thought I had this grief thing all figured out, but every now and then it reminds me it is completely out of my control. When I have these "epic" meltdowns, I cry and get angry and want to throw things. Beth Moore immediately comes to mind. Why her? I just remember her saying on several occasions that she was always so perplexed why God would use someone like her to minister to others. She always references her sinful nature. Well, I understand where she is coming from. By that, I mean that all of us are on this journey of life. In this journey, we have choices. I chose a long time ago to follow Christ, but that doesn't mean I do it perfectly. I am such a sinner - I'm selfish, I make poor choices, I am lazy, I don't rely on God like I should. There are so many other things that make me a sinner, but I won't go into those. We all have our "things" between ourselves and God. All that said, I too, wonder why God chose me to minister to others through my grief. I'm a positive person - a people pleaser - I would describe my personality as friendly, happy, always look on the bright side, etc…. It's when I'm alone that the dark side comes out. I don't mean dark side like evil or mean. I mean selfish, selfish, selfish. I get lazy and the first thing that gets pushed aside is God. I don't talk with Him or listen to Him or read His Word. Oh, I pray occasionally…when I've been asked to. I have numerous friends with such pressing needs and concerns. I tell them I will pray, and I do. That's where it stops, and this is where I finally make my point. I am quite certain my epic meltdown was a direct result of my selfishness and my lack of communication with God. I know it is part of the process of grief to have tears and down moments, but I've witnessed the difference between a grief-stricken moment and an "epic meltdown." The difference all lies within my relationship with God. The closer to God, the more strength I have, the more clarity, I have, and the less selfishness I have.
Where did all this come from? Oh, it's a good one. It started last week when the kids started back to school. I could feel a hollowness, a sadness, an aching that my kids were at another milestone without their dad. It was disguised as a grief for my children. Well, not really disguised, but was attributed to that. Deep down, I was grieving my loss as well. I didn't want to admit that. I was doing too well….I was in "up" mode. By the weekend, I could feel my body responding, then by the first of the week, my brain began overloading, and this morning - well, my heart just couldn't take it any more. Allie has had a couple of injuries and Nate and I have had a couple of "heated discussions" since school started. I finally cooked dinner for the first time in months Tuesday, and there is the empty chair at the table. I've had a few projects inside and outside that are weighing on me. These are some of those things that make Brad's absence glaring. (Bear with me, I'm getting to the meltdown.) Combine all these things (among other little ones not mentioned) and a meltdown of epic proportions is inevitable.
The meltdown. I dropped the kids off at school, and decided I'd run to WalMart to grab some mulch and a few other things for one of my outdoor projects. I'm fine. I didn't give any thought to anything except my project. I checked out, my garden cart full. I got about halfway through the crosswalk, and I felt a shift in my cart. Sure enough, a few bags of mulch, a plant, and a bag of garden soil have fallen off the front of the cart and I was stuck. I calmly walked around, put the now-half-empty-of-soil plant back on the cart, shoved the mulch back on and dragged the rest to the curb. In that brief moment, weeks of tears are building, and my pity party is just about to begin. I started it by getting angry at the men around me who just looked at me and kept on walking. I had 3 thoughts - "I wouldn't be doing this if Brad were here!" "If Brad were here, he would be helping me!" and "How RUDE of these men to not offer to help me!" How's that for some crazy thinking?? Then, an employee of WalMart finally came over to help. I can't say he was a knight in shining armor, but it was better than nothing. In the process, I hit my nose on the cart picking up something that fell. I got in the car, feeling the meltdown building. I got about half way home and the tears started. I was feeling so sorry for myself. I passed a friend who waved so friendly. I know I waved, but was it before or after wiping the tears? I pulled into the driveway and sat in the car sobbing for what seemed like forever. In that moment, a flood of memories - and not good ones - comes over me. I miss him. I hate having to do everything alone. I hate my kids don't have their dad. I re-live the night Brad died, I re-live the graveside service, seeing the casket, sitting at the memorial service. It really happened. It's like it JUST happened. He's really gone. That may not make sense to you if you have not lost someone so close to you. I think psychologically it is called "denial," but I just don't like that word. I KNOW he died. I KNOW he's gone and is not coming back. I'm not denying that fact, but when it builds and builds, after awhile it has to come out. I cried and yelled. I banged the steering wheel, stomped my feet and wondered where I could go to throw something. I wondered who I could call and cry to. No one - no one gets it. Everyone wants me to be ok. It's just easier to do it alone. I've said repeatedly I really haven't questioned God, but today I did. Why? I know there is a reason, but it just doesn't seem right! Why did God need Brad more than my kids and I did?? I wanted to just throw myself down on the ground and kick and scream like a toddler. Then, it stopped. I walked into my house and sat down at the computer. Enter GOD.
I know I've mentioned Facebook before, and I know a lot of people don't use it or like it. But God definitely uses it! I logged in under Nate's page, and the first thing I saw was this:
Ok, God, you have my attention. I scrolled down a little and then there is this:
Yes, God….you are the only answer. Pity party over.
Lastly, I moved over to my page, and I saw this:
Wow! What a visual. The very first thing I thought when I saw that was Brad. I just know he is one of those standing around me! Immediately, I feel comforted. Then, I am driven to write. So, here I am, well over an hour later, feeling much less sorry for myself. I'm feeling convicted that I'm not reading my Bible and I'm not nurturing my relationship with God like I should be, but in that same moment, I also feel very loved and forgiven….
….and life in this world goes on, but it is leading to life everlasting with Him.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
New Normal?
All along, people have been saying "you're starting a new normal." It used to make me mad. Still does in a way, but I guess I'm trying to see if that is what my life is - a new normal. Obviously, my "new normal" has been "very busy," since I haven't posted in over 2 months. I've wanted to write on several occasions, but the motivation went away as quickly as it appeared.
Summer has been hot, hot, and hot. I just came in about 30 minutes ago from mowing as much as I could before it got completely dark (it's 10 p.m. as I begin writing.) I managed to get a little done, but not enough. Nate got invited to go out of town with a friend, and as much as I need him to help mow, I would rather he be with a friend who has a great dad. There is no reason I can't get my lazy booty out and do yard work. It just is so hot! In hindsight, I don't think I would buy the same house again. This yard is nearing the point of being unmanageable…..and being married to Brad for 19 years, you don't hire someone to do something you can do yourself. I still look at a lot of things from his perspective. We truly had become "one" when we married. The person I am today was shaped so much from being married to Brad. Even better than that, I see so much of Brad in my children, especially Nate. He is his dad made over. Allie is pretty much a Jennifer, Jr., but I see Brad in her as well. They are both wonderfully unique - but both wonderfully part me/part Brad.
I've found myself in a circumstance the past few weeks that has really prompted me to push hard to move forward. I feel I've been moving forward all along, for if I hadn't been….well, I would still be in the bed. Minuscule movements forward, but forward nonetheless. However, the last few weeks has been different. I still cry, I still get sad, but those moments are fewer and farther between. I can't say with any certainty that it will continue at this pace. History has proven that feelings of forward movement have been followed by a "crash" or a "bottoming out." We shall see.
In the meantime, I'm enjoying the summer with my kids. Our time together is constantly interrupted by friends, activities, camps and my work, but we are having fun. In June, one of my friends and I decided to pack up and take our boys and a friend to the College World Series in Omaha. It was so much fun! The boys had a great time. We ended up staying at the team hotel, so the boys got to meet nearly all of the team and get a baseball signed by them. I received an email the other day that a signed baseball was on auction with a starting bid of $250.00. It ended yesterday and I don't know how much it sold for, but the first day it was already up to $300.00. What a treasure they have! Allie went to Brookhill in June, and I just picked them up from Family Farm Thursday. Nate was a Junior Counselor and Allie a camper. Since Nate is gone, Allie and I have been hanging out in between her playing with friends. This morning, she decided she would make us both orange juice smoothies for the first time (which were yummy!) and homemade oatmeal cookies! I'm glad the oven is being used for something…I digress.
Back to moving forward. I posted an email I received today on Facebook about moving on. This is what it read:
"What It Means to Move On
Day 253, Grief Share
Moving on does not mean . . .
• you forget the person.
• you never feel the pain of your loss.
• you believe that life is fair.
Moving on does mean . . .
• you experience a lessening of the pain.
• you can treasure your best memories of the person who has died.
• you can realistically accept the different aspects of your loss.
• you can form new relationships, try new things.
Moving on also means . . .
• you grow in grace and in your walk with God.
• you accept your loss and forgive others.
• you understand that both joy and loss are a part of life.
• you believe that God is good, even when life isn't.
"I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete" (John 15:11).
Holy God, sometimes moving on seems impossible. Continue to remind me that I cannot move on through my own strength, but only through an extension of Yours. Amen."
It really spoke to me. I think because it just was so "to the point." Maybe I need to start writing some in "bullet points." Ha ha. Anyway, the first three are biggies…I will NEVER forget Brad, I will ALWAYS feel the pain of my loss, and I don't think I will ever think life is fair. All that said, I can say I have begun to move forward. There is a lessening of the pain. I have to use the word "minuscule" as used previously, but truthfully it has lessened. I treasure memories of Brad. Always have, always will. I don't know that I've accepted all the different aspects of my loss - there are so many - but it is a work in progress. I think I'm ready to form new relationships and try new things. Most importantly, I'm growing in my walk with God and I believe God is good, even when life isn't. This last thing is what I hope others can learn from my tragedy. GOD IS GOOD, EVEN WHEN LIFE ISN'T! (and yes, I'm shouting!)
I can tell I've not written in awhile as my writing is choppy, there is not a clear subject, and I'm all over the place. Right now, I don't care….at some point, though, I know I will. I still feel a little nudging from God that He wants me to write. I'm also feeling a little tap on the shoulder that I'm not praying enough for direction and what He wants me to write about. *smile*
In the meantime, I will continue with creating my "new normal." Bleh. Still really not a fan of that phrase. Seriously, was my life really normal before? I had an incredible husband, awesome kids, a good job, a home, great friends and family. I just don't see how the absence of an incredible husband (and father to my kids) justifies calling my life "normal." New or not. I like to look at it that I am just living the life God gave me. It's a different life - a changed life. I think I've said this before, but definitely worth saying again. My life has changed. My God has not!
Summer has been hot, hot, and hot. I just came in about 30 minutes ago from mowing as much as I could before it got completely dark (it's 10 p.m. as I begin writing.) I managed to get a little done, but not enough. Nate got invited to go out of town with a friend, and as much as I need him to help mow, I would rather he be with a friend who has a great dad. There is no reason I can't get my lazy booty out and do yard work. It just is so hot! In hindsight, I don't think I would buy the same house again. This yard is nearing the point of being unmanageable…..and being married to Brad for 19 years, you don't hire someone to do something you can do yourself. I still look at a lot of things from his perspective. We truly had become "one" when we married. The person I am today was shaped so much from being married to Brad. Even better than that, I see so much of Brad in my children, especially Nate. He is his dad made over. Allie is pretty much a Jennifer, Jr., but I see Brad in her as well. They are both wonderfully unique - but both wonderfully part me/part Brad.
I've found myself in a circumstance the past few weeks that has really prompted me to push hard to move forward. I feel I've been moving forward all along, for if I hadn't been….well, I would still be in the bed. Minuscule movements forward, but forward nonetheless. However, the last few weeks has been different. I still cry, I still get sad, but those moments are fewer and farther between. I can't say with any certainty that it will continue at this pace. History has proven that feelings of forward movement have been followed by a "crash" or a "bottoming out." We shall see.
In the meantime, I'm enjoying the summer with my kids. Our time together is constantly interrupted by friends, activities, camps and my work, but we are having fun. In June, one of my friends and I decided to pack up and take our boys and a friend to the College World Series in Omaha. It was so much fun! The boys had a great time. We ended up staying at the team hotel, so the boys got to meet nearly all of the team and get a baseball signed by them. I received an email the other day that a signed baseball was on auction with a starting bid of $250.00. It ended yesterday and I don't know how much it sold for, but the first day it was already up to $300.00. What a treasure they have! Allie went to Brookhill in June, and I just picked them up from Family Farm Thursday. Nate was a Junior Counselor and Allie a camper. Since Nate is gone, Allie and I have been hanging out in between her playing with friends. This morning, she decided she would make us both orange juice smoothies for the first time (which were yummy!) and homemade oatmeal cookies! I'm glad the oven is being used for something…I digress.
Back to moving forward. I posted an email I received today on Facebook about moving on. This is what it read:
"What It Means to Move On
Day 253, Grief Share
Moving on does not mean . . .
• you forget the person.
• you never feel the pain of your loss.
• you believe that life is fair.
Moving on does mean . . .
• you experience a lessening of the pain.
• you can treasure your best memories of the person who has died.
• you can realistically accept the different aspects of your loss.
• you can form new relationships, try new things.
Moving on also means . . .
• you grow in grace and in your walk with God.
• you accept your loss and forgive others.
• you understand that both joy and loss are a part of life.
• you believe that God is good, even when life isn't.
"I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete" (John 15:11).
Holy God, sometimes moving on seems impossible. Continue to remind me that I cannot move on through my own strength, but only through an extension of Yours. Amen."
It really spoke to me. I think because it just was so "to the point." Maybe I need to start writing some in "bullet points." Ha ha. Anyway, the first three are biggies…I will NEVER forget Brad, I will ALWAYS feel the pain of my loss, and I don't think I will ever think life is fair. All that said, I can say I have begun to move forward. There is a lessening of the pain. I have to use the word "minuscule" as used previously, but truthfully it has lessened. I treasure memories of Brad. Always have, always will. I don't know that I've accepted all the different aspects of my loss - there are so many - but it is a work in progress. I think I'm ready to form new relationships and try new things. Most importantly, I'm growing in my walk with God and I believe God is good, even when life isn't. This last thing is what I hope others can learn from my tragedy. GOD IS GOOD, EVEN WHEN LIFE ISN'T! (and yes, I'm shouting!)
I can tell I've not written in awhile as my writing is choppy, there is not a clear subject, and I'm all over the place. Right now, I don't care….at some point, though, I know I will. I still feel a little nudging from God that He wants me to write. I'm also feeling a little tap on the shoulder that I'm not praying enough for direction and what He wants me to write about. *smile*
In the meantime, I will continue with creating my "new normal." Bleh. Still really not a fan of that phrase. Seriously, was my life really normal before? I had an incredible husband, awesome kids, a good job, a home, great friends and family. I just don't see how the absence of an incredible husband (and father to my kids) justifies calling my life "normal." New or not. I like to look at it that I am just living the life God gave me. It's a different life - a changed life. I think I've said this before, but definitely worth saying again. My life has changed. My God has not!
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Toast
These past two weeks have been very testing. Between things at school, work, home life and the IRS, I am pretty much toast. Burnt toast. Oh, don't get me wrong, God has been with me every day, giving me the strength to do what needs to be done. However, between the anniversary of Brad's Heavenly Birthday and our upcoming wedding anniversary, my thoughts have been pretty much consumed with his absence and how much I miss him. Throughout the course of this path God gave me, I've had some well-meaning friends tell me, "It's been a year, you should move on" or "It's been two years, it's time to move on." I wish it were that easy. Just this morning, I woke up around 6:00, realizing I was sleeping on Brad's side of the bed, but not because he was up already working on some project or reading the Bible. He's gone. I could do nothing but cry. I cried myself back to sleep, mourning the loss of our usual Saturday morning routine. What people don't understand is, there are memories everywhere. Even simple things like which side of the bed I'm sleeping on. Yesterday, the kids and I went to the Heights to run an errand, and we passed a little cafe that Brad and I ate at on Saturday mornings when the kids were at grandparents'. Sadness. Heartache. Nate has begun to really like country music (one of the many things that Brad did, too.) Occasionally, I'll let him put the radio on a country station. In the hour we were in the car, two songs came on that almost had me in tears. One was "If Tomorrow Never Comes" by Garth Brooks, and the other I think was called "Remember When." Both songs immediately made me think of Brad and I had to change the station. I truly am trying my best to move forward, but it is so incredibly hard. I spent 22 years of my life with Brad. So much of who I am is connected to him. Time has helped, but his absence is very pervasive every day.
So when I say that I am toast…I'm literally physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I'm running on auto-pilot. (which I guess could be considered God!) The stress of every day life - bills, house issues, raising a pre-teen and a teen alone…has just become too much. God is seeing me through, as He has all this time, but I have decided I need a break. So, next week, I am treating myself to a few nights away for some pampering and relaxation. My wonderful sister-in-law and mother-in-law are coming to keep the kids. It's funny, usually the kids fuss about me going somewhere….they've not complained or griped - I think they also recognize how desperately I need to get away! ha!
I'm too positive to let this post end on a negative note, so I have to close with the most amazing thing that happened to the three of us on "Dad's Day," the day he went to be with Jesus, and we spend time as a family celebrating his time in our lives and that he is with Jesus. We thought climbing Pinnacle Mountain would be fun. It was fun, but it wasn't easy! Before Brad died, I was fit as a fiddle. I exercised regularly, and maintained a healthy weight. Since his death, I've obviously found comfort in food and my bed. I'm trying to change, but it is not coming easily. Anyway, the climb up proved to be a little difficult for me. It was sunny and rather warm, and after several minutes in the hot sunshine, I found a shady spot to take a little break. The kids were very patient with me and let me rest, then Nate asked if I wanted to go back down. "Nope!" I said as I hopped up. "We press on towards the goal…..I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" That second verse has become our "family" verse. So, as soon as the words came out of my mouth, I took one step, and started to take another, when I froze. "Oh my gosh!" The kids were freaking out thinking I had seen a snake or something by the tone in my voice. "Look!" We looked at the stone I was getting ready to step on, and someone had written in ink "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I get goosebumps just writing it! We were all amazed, and are STILL amazed at God's message so plainly for us to see. We talked about it as we climbed, then again when we reached the top. The top was so beautiful and peaceful, and such a reminder of how magnificent God's creation is. As we were heading down, I told the kids I wished I had taken a picture of that stone! Duh! So I asked them to remind me to take a picture on our way down. We couldn't find it. Maybe we overlooked it, but we could not find it. We all agreed it was God's plan for me to rest at that exact spot, for me to look down at that exact rock on our way up the mountain, for it to be that exact verse right after I quoted it….regardless if we overlooked it, it was definitely God giving us a "God Wink" that He was with us, and He was going to give us the strength we need to carry on. What an awesome God we serve.
So when I say that I am toast…I'm literally physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I'm running on auto-pilot. (which I guess could be considered God!) The stress of every day life - bills, house issues, raising a pre-teen and a teen alone…has just become too much. God is seeing me through, as He has all this time, but I have decided I need a break. So, next week, I am treating myself to a few nights away for some pampering and relaxation. My wonderful sister-in-law and mother-in-law are coming to keep the kids. It's funny, usually the kids fuss about me going somewhere….they've not complained or griped - I think they also recognize how desperately I need to get away! ha!
I'm too positive to let this post end on a negative note, so I have to close with the most amazing thing that happened to the three of us on "Dad's Day," the day he went to be with Jesus, and we spend time as a family celebrating his time in our lives and that he is with Jesus. We thought climbing Pinnacle Mountain would be fun. It was fun, but it wasn't easy! Before Brad died, I was fit as a fiddle. I exercised regularly, and maintained a healthy weight. Since his death, I've obviously found comfort in food and my bed. I'm trying to change, but it is not coming easily. Anyway, the climb up proved to be a little difficult for me. It was sunny and rather warm, and after several minutes in the hot sunshine, I found a shady spot to take a little break. The kids were very patient with me and let me rest, then Nate asked if I wanted to go back down. "Nope!" I said as I hopped up. "We press on towards the goal…..I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" That second verse has become our "family" verse. So, as soon as the words came out of my mouth, I took one step, and started to take another, when I froze. "Oh my gosh!" The kids were freaking out thinking I had seen a snake or something by the tone in my voice. "Look!" We looked at the stone I was getting ready to step on, and someone had written in ink "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I get goosebumps just writing it! We were all amazed, and are STILL amazed at God's message so plainly for us to see. We talked about it as we climbed, then again when we reached the top. The top was so beautiful and peaceful, and such a reminder of how magnificent God's creation is. As we were heading down, I told the kids I wished I had taken a picture of that stone! Duh! So I asked them to remind me to take a picture on our way down. We couldn't find it. Maybe we overlooked it, but we could not find it. We all agreed it was God's plan for me to rest at that exact spot, for me to look down at that exact rock on our way up the mountain, for it to be that exact verse right after I quoted it….regardless if we overlooked it, it was definitely God giving us a "God Wink" that He was with us, and He was going to give us the strength we need to carry on. What an awesome God we serve.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Two Years = Two Seconds
I stare in disbelief at the date on the computer….April 24, 2012.
April 24, 2010.
Two years ago our lives were turned upside down.
It's been two years since I saw his face, touched his hand, heard his voice...
Really?
How is it possible that I have lived two years without my husband, my best friend, the father of my children? How have I lived two years with the title of "Young Widow" and "Single Mom?" How can I still remember 95% of what happened on that night two years ago?
My answer is simple: God. He is the ONLY thing that has kept me from completely falling to pieces. When God challenges you to follow Him…when He lets you choose how you react to His plan when it differs from yours…well, I can only say I shudder at the thought had I not chosen to trust Him and acknowledge that I was following His plan, not mine. I've said this on several occasions: my life has changed, but my God has not. On April 24, 2010, I watched Brad struggle to breathe. I watched his heart stop beating. I watched the paramedics shock him twice in my living room. On April 24, 2010, God called his servant home, knowing that I would allow Him to use me however He saw fit. It has been the most painful, heart-wrenching, difficult two years. Yet, when I look beyond the pain and heartache - I see glimpses of a heavenly purpose. I'm hearing more songs that remind us that this world is not our forever home, that we are on our way home. It is a long journey, and it's not always in first-class on a jet. Sometimes it's a bicycle, sometimes it's walking…barefoot. On sharp rocks. Sometimes it's a limo, sometimes it's crawling. But I know I will get there one day. I'm glad that Brad is no longer experiencing the pain and stress of this world. I still miss him so much, but I know where he is. He is home, with our Lord and Savior….and I'm on my way. I don't know how long the journey is, but I will stay on the path.
Two years. Twenty-four months. It is still surreal.
Allie reminded me today that it "may have been 2 years to us, but it was only 2 seconds to dad." I'm completely humbled how God uses a child to put things into perspective. We all miss him. We all talk about him. We watched one of his favorite movies together earlier. We listen to some of his favorite music. I try to tell them stories about their dad. We miss him but we are so grateful for the time we had him. We were blessed to have him as the leader of our family. I was blessed to call him my husband. Nate and Allie were blessed to call him dad. It's hard to live life without him. Not a day goes by that something reminds me or the kids about him. There will always be a hole in our hearts that he once filled. God will mend our hearts in time, but even though our hearts are being mended…they will never be the same.
Two years. We love and miss you so much, Brad. Our lives are not the same without you. You will forever remain in our hearts...
April 24, 2010.
Two years ago our lives were turned upside down.
It's been two years since I saw his face, touched his hand, heard his voice...
Really?
How is it possible that I have lived two years without my husband, my best friend, the father of my children? How have I lived two years with the title of "Young Widow" and "Single Mom?" How can I still remember 95% of what happened on that night two years ago?
My answer is simple: God. He is the ONLY thing that has kept me from completely falling to pieces. When God challenges you to follow Him…when He lets you choose how you react to His plan when it differs from yours…well, I can only say I shudder at the thought had I not chosen to trust Him and acknowledge that I was following His plan, not mine. I've said this on several occasions: my life has changed, but my God has not. On April 24, 2010, I watched Brad struggle to breathe. I watched his heart stop beating. I watched the paramedics shock him twice in my living room. On April 24, 2010, God called his servant home, knowing that I would allow Him to use me however He saw fit. It has been the most painful, heart-wrenching, difficult two years. Yet, when I look beyond the pain and heartache - I see glimpses of a heavenly purpose. I'm hearing more songs that remind us that this world is not our forever home, that we are on our way home. It is a long journey, and it's not always in first-class on a jet. Sometimes it's a bicycle, sometimes it's walking…barefoot. On sharp rocks. Sometimes it's a limo, sometimes it's crawling. But I know I will get there one day. I'm glad that Brad is no longer experiencing the pain and stress of this world. I still miss him so much, but I know where he is. He is home, with our Lord and Savior….and I'm on my way. I don't know how long the journey is, but I will stay on the path.
Two years. Twenty-four months. It is still surreal.
Allie reminded me today that it "may have been 2 years to us, but it was only 2 seconds to dad." I'm completely humbled how God uses a child to put things into perspective. We all miss him. We all talk about him. We watched one of his favorite movies together earlier. We listen to some of his favorite music. I try to tell them stories about their dad. We miss him but we are so grateful for the time we had him. We were blessed to have him as the leader of our family. I was blessed to call him my husband. Nate and Allie were blessed to call him dad. It's hard to live life without him. Not a day goes by that something reminds me or the kids about him. There will always be a hole in our hearts that he once filled. God will mend our hearts in time, but even though our hearts are being mended…they will never be the same.
Two years. We love and miss you so much, Brad. Our lives are not the same without you. You will forever remain in our hearts...
Monday, April 16, 2012
Things I know vs. how I feel
There are so many things I know to be truth: I love God, my family and my friends. I am loved by God, my family and my friends. I still love Brad. I was loved by Brad. God knows the plans He has for me. I know all things work together for good for those who love God. There is a time for everything. I can do all things through Christ…..
Unfortunately time does not allow me to continue with all the things I know, but suffice it to say, there are so many truths that I know and cling to.
Compare those things to how I feel….I'm sad. My heart hurts. I miss our family the way it used to be.
I miss him….
Unfortunately time does not allow me to continue with all the things I know, but suffice it to say, there are so many truths that I know and cling to.
Compare those things to how I feel….I'm sad. My heart hurts. I miss our family the way it used to be.
I miss him….
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